This year I am not loading out a bunch of cash for costumes. You see I went to a thrift sale and bought my daughter a 50's outfit that someone hand made and it is Gorgeous ! We she has decided that it is not good enough so I am taking a raggy old monster robe that my son wore last year with a mask that was terribly scary and covering her with those spider webs and buying some scars and make-up and then she will just be a zombie I am done with it. I am not spening more than $20 on it. As far as my son goes I think I have some quilt stuffing in the laundry room and I am going to make him look fat go and get some clothes from Goodwill and make him look like a monster from something from the great beyond. I am not spending more than $30 on him for everything. So maybe $50 total and I have to buy candy too.... I am toast I can't afford the kids thinking that we are made out of money. I still have my concert to go to and the groceries to buy and gas and cigarrettes and the latter is not that important. I could live without those if I had to.
I painted my bathroom and my poor son messed the waynes coating all up. I am having to redo it all and I am so tired and it is all over the floor. All over my NEW floor fuck ! He went while I left him alone and just spalttered paint all over it like a madman. Phil was furious. I think my son has uncontrolled bi-polar. He needs a mood stabilizer and i am going to tell his doc. I have to go for now have an appointment and I can't feel my fingers will write more later. I love my kids so I really do. I want to stress I am not angry at my son just really tired.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
I Spoke With a Priest Yesterday
I spoke with a Priest yesterday about praying for the house. I told him about how me and my son get scratched. I even had a dream that I got really bad scratches all over my body and woke up. This thing is EVIL and out to get us. We have heard footsteps in the hallway and had the door closed while dad was asleep and thought he was going to his office and he was no more there than the man on the moon. NO ONE WAS THERE .... it was NO ONE. A ghost did it. He was asleep in bed it was nothing vapors. I see shadows and hear things. I have recorded on my arcos a voice saying "Get OUT" three time... and "I will scratch YOU" and other things and breathing. I don't like the way it sounds. It is evil.
I dunno, I have a bucket of Holy Water now and a prayer book. I know that this thing is not going without a fight and I am going to start going to church.
My son is battling with his problem they think its autism and it will be 6 months before they are able to get him in scheduled for an appointment. I can't believe it. I pray they have a cancellation. Lord help me get my house in order before the priest comes. My fingers are numb have to stop typing now. gtg bye
I dunno, I have a bucket of Holy Water now and a prayer book. I know that this thing is not going without a fight and I am going to start going to church.
My son is battling with his problem they think its autism and it will be 6 months before they are able to get him in scheduled for an appointment. I can't believe it. I pray they have a cancellation. Lord help me get my house in order before the priest comes. My fingers are numb have to stop typing now. gtg bye
It is going well
It is going very well. I found a post from Billie an ex-friend on my husbands facebook and told her to butt out of our lives she basically implied that her being a christian made her better equipped to deal with the likes of me being difficult. However, I know that my husband knew that I was difficult when he married me, right ? He knew me and understood my problems with money and my attitude and how I was. He knew I was aggressive and a fighter and understood me. I have calmed down tremendously since then especially since my last trip to the hospital. Especially since I have been in contact with the things that are visiting me from above.
I have not told you of that. I see them land, and they are incredible. It is amazing to see they float through the trees, their ships. All lit up and full of light. It is the most amazing thing I have ever seen ! I don't know why I get to see them but it has been happening for about 2 months now since latter September and I am in shock. I can see them when the come out of the ships. They glow and I KNOW I am not hallucinating because I know the difference. I see them as clear as day and have tried to come close to them. They disappear because they are afraid of me. I know they are afraid except for one specific one that has been on my roof and in my woods throwing branches and trying to scare me. One made a noise at me and I threatened it, cursed at it and told it to get down and leave me alone. *(Or I would kick it's ass). I don't even know if that is possible but I was willing to give it a try. I don't like getting scared by things I don't when I can't see them.
I see them glow, and they are the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I tried calling the UFO sighting people and they basically told me I was mentally ill. I told them when they would let me finally speak they were missing out and he told me to get an astrologer or science teacher. I give up. I saw one coming through the trees (a ship) last night that was shaped like a triangle and it was amazing and it was lit along the edges. I was flashing its lights at me when I flashed the flashlight and it was so interestingly cool. My fingers are going numb because I am typing lol.
I don't know why I get to see this but it is amazing and I feel so blessed. I ask them if they will answer me by going out if the answer is a yes. I have asked most of them if they believe in God and the answer is always been yes. They are created by God and live on different planets and have wars sometimes. It is amazing to see beings from another planet... they are golden or white in color and you can't imagine how they are beings of light. I can only see them if I turn the lights in my yard off. Right now I have my Halloween lights on, so the beings are in the trees on the side by my creek. I can see the ships land on the side by my creek . I have even drawn some in my sketch book that I have seen. I think they are beautiful.
I never feel like I have been in danger except when the one has been on my roof. Then I cursed at it, and cursed it out and meant every word. I know that I could have put up a fight if something happened lol. I am a fighter to a tee. I have God on my side too and that means supernatural gifts. We all have gifts of healing did you know that ? We can all read auras and see things beyond this world if we try ... we just have to be open to it. These beings are all around us hiding in the trees in the branches in the midst of lights in the trees. I know that it is possible to see these things you just have to be open and I open myself up and ask for them to show themselves and talk to them gently. They like that a lot. I also dance and shine lights to the ships up in the sky. You see it started when I had my Arcos and shined it to the sky back and forth to get its attention. It flashed back and then came down then more and more came.
The first ship that came was a round ship that had golden beings in it with oblong heads and they just looked at me strangly. I danced for them, another time I was dancing and the ship in the sky followed me as I was moving in my chair. It was like it could hear the music almost. Then it came through the trees and landed in my dogwoods in the front of the yard and came out they were tall and golden and I got up and walked out to them and they disappeared.
I have seen the bottom of ships as I walked down my steps the lights beneath, it was so incredible. I know it is unable to be fathomed but it is so true and so real and I am being so honest. They exist and communicate with me through lights and their bodies lighting up and going off. I know it sounds bizzarre but it is so real and true and exists I DO NOT LIE. Regardless of having bi-polar or not I am not crazy and am stable on my medication and do not hallucinate like this I would know the difference. I am in treatment and go to counseling . I see ghosts, can read auras and read minds and see the future but this is real for sure. It is for real !
Believe it or not it is real- people in my family can't see it only my daughter. She saw the ship in the sky going on and off and dancing. Anyway, I am done talking about this believe it or not it is real they exsist and have come into my yard to hang out. I see them all the time from about 8 pm on and sometimes they come in the morning . Who knows maybe the stars you think you see are really ships too? Flash a light at them and find out!
I have not told you of that. I see them land, and they are incredible. It is amazing to see they float through the trees, their ships. All lit up and full of light. It is the most amazing thing I have ever seen ! I don't know why I get to see them but it has been happening for about 2 months now since latter September and I am in shock. I can see them when the come out of the ships. They glow and I KNOW I am not hallucinating because I know the difference. I see them as clear as day and have tried to come close to them. They disappear because they are afraid of me. I know they are afraid except for one specific one that has been on my roof and in my woods throwing branches and trying to scare me. One made a noise at me and I threatened it, cursed at it and told it to get down and leave me alone. *(Or I would kick it's ass). I don't even know if that is possible but I was willing to give it a try. I don't like getting scared by things I don't when I can't see them.
I see them glow, and they are the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I tried calling the UFO sighting people and they basically told me I was mentally ill. I told them when they would let me finally speak they were missing out and he told me to get an astrologer or science teacher. I give up. I saw one coming through the trees (a ship) last night that was shaped like a triangle and it was amazing and it was lit along the edges. I was flashing its lights at me when I flashed the flashlight and it was so interestingly cool. My fingers are going numb because I am typing lol.
I don't know why I get to see this but it is amazing and I feel so blessed. I ask them if they will answer me by going out if the answer is a yes. I have asked most of them if they believe in God and the answer is always been yes. They are created by God and live on different planets and have wars sometimes. It is amazing to see beings from another planet... they are golden or white in color and you can't imagine how they are beings of light. I can only see them if I turn the lights in my yard off. Right now I have my Halloween lights on, so the beings are in the trees on the side by my creek. I can see the ships land on the side by my creek . I have even drawn some in my sketch book that I have seen. I think they are beautiful.
I never feel like I have been in danger except when the one has been on my roof. Then I cursed at it, and cursed it out and meant every word. I know that I could have put up a fight if something happened lol. I am a fighter to a tee. I have God on my side too and that means supernatural gifts. We all have gifts of healing did you know that ? We can all read auras and see things beyond this world if we try ... we just have to be open to it. These beings are all around us hiding in the trees in the branches in the midst of lights in the trees. I know that it is possible to see these things you just have to be open and I open myself up and ask for them to show themselves and talk to them gently. They like that a lot. I also dance and shine lights to the ships up in the sky. You see it started when I had my Arcos and shined it to the sky back and forth to get its attention. It flashed back and then came down then more and more came.
The first ship that came was a round ship that had golden beings in it with oblong heads and they just looked at me strangly. I danced for them, another time I was dancing and the ship in the sky followed me as I was moving in my chair. It was like it could hear the music almost. Then it came through the trees and landed in my dogwoods in the front of the yard and came out they were tall and golden and I got up and walked out to them and they disappeared.
I have seen the bottom of ships as I walked down my steps the lights beneath, it was so incredible. I know it is unable to be fathomed but it is so true and so real and I am being so honest. They exist and communicate with me through lights and their bodies lighting up and going off. I know it sounds bizzarre but it is so real and true and exists I DO NOT LIE. Regardless of having bi-polar or not I am not crazy and am stable on my medication and do not hallucinate like this I would know the difference. I am in treatment and go to counseling . I see ghosts, can read auras and read minds and see the future but this is real for sure. It is for real !
Believe it or not it is real- people in my family can't see it only my daughter. She saw the ship in the sky going on and off and dancing. Anyway, I am done talking about this believe it or not it is real they exsist and have come into my yard to hang out. I see them all the time from about 8 pm on and sometimes they come in the morning . Who knows maybe the stars you think you see are really ships too? Flash a light at them and find out!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Our Earthly Relationship To Our Father is NOT Related to Our Godly Father
I don't know why it is but in life we relate that relationship we have with our earthly father to that of our Heavenly Father. In the spiritual realm this is not good because it makes things more difficult for us. God is all merciful and good and wants us to receive no harm and our earthly fathers are of this world and can let us down.
I know this sounds bizzarre. Everyone we come across we are a part of, and inevitably must respect and accept whether they are of a different race, creed or religion. I am not attempting to preach but sharing what I have realized in my short time on earth. St. Francis said," A sinner is lead back to God by humble meekness rather than creal scolding". I believe we can all apply this to our everyday lives even if we are not christians. I think if we are offended by someone it is important to be gentle rather than hateful. I AM NOT GOOD
at THIS and it frustrates me I lose my temper a LOT ! too much !! Just twice yesterday I had to go back (that I can remember and eat my words with grown adults that were not in my family). I eat words all the time in my own family. I don't try to be mean but having bi-polar is not a good combination with being a woman, your cycle and 2 kids home schooling and a work at home spouse.
I just want everyone to feel 'normal' in my blog. Especially mothers of mid-pre teen children and it is hard. I have an 8 year old and a 12 about to be 13 year old. lol, and He is someone to be reckoned with. He has not been taking his depression medicine for who knows how long and suffers from sensory disorder and may have aspebergs. I am so stressed because it is going to be over 6 months before I can get him any help. It will be next year before I can see the psychologist at the specialist office.
I am amazed how different he is off his meds. At first I didn't know and then he burst into tears on and off and I caught him yesterday. I flat out asked him how long it had been and he said a couple of months. I am worried he does not understand the seriousness of taking medication and going cold turkey off of it. Just now his favorite toy got chewed up he is pissed and slamming stuff around. I am at a loss, typing here because it gives me solace. I don't know how many read this but I honestly don't know what is wrong with him. He is a great kid and looking at him you would not see anything but when you 'deal' with him there is something there. It is difficult for everyone in the family especially him. He feels so frustrated and like he is letting everyone down and he hates to take his medicine. He was so angry with me when he took his medicine. He said " It is always about the medicine". It was so hateful (his tone of voice). I don't know why but he is so angry and I do know that is how depression shows up in children. His chemicals in his brain are messed up. He has had to see his mom try to hurt herself several times (not literally) but be in the hospital. It has scarred his brain and caused ptsd I am sure. I can't feel guilty I was seeing quacky, dingy doctors that had me seriously overmedicated. I wasn't thinking straight. Oddly enough they are still in practice. Karma is a bitch though. It will come back to haunt them. On a side note once when I was admitted to a terrible hospital where an old doctor of mine was going to be on call he sent me away to another hospital (which was good for me I got better treatment anyhoo). I just think my son unfortunately doesn't realize what a dramatic difference medication can have with depression. If we had cancer it would be more acceptable. I know he doesn't want to end up like me. That is what I am getting what my inner capabilities are telling me.
I just had a good friend tell me that he should be "over it" by now. I am angry about it, because people that are traumatized in their childhood don't just frigging " GET OVER IT" . I am so pissed that I want to scream and my son is being a turd. I don't know why he is choosing or not I can't tell but he is SO incredibly mean to me. I don't fucking deserve this.
I had such a lovely weekend too with my family in the mountains. No computer, or t.v. or phones around to bother us. We fished for trout and examined their insides looking at specifically their respitory system which we are studying in science. (We had to gut and clean the fish). No arguing, no fighting , board games walking and antique shopping going through the mountains, looking and picnicing, views and beauty and rest. Sheer and utter unadlterated quiet. I was shocked totally. I went to bed Friday and woke up Saturday and had NO CLUE where I was it took a couple of minutes to get my bearings.
I have to print out the " Serenity Prayer" it is important for us to identify the a. things we cannot change , the things we can change and what the wisdom that lies therein. I had a therapist help me with that one in the hospital. (My neighbor like to call me a pill head, I got over it by doing that and accepting the fact I will ALWAYS be on medication. It is final ! Or I would be dead.... I don't want that.
love -me
I know this sounds bizzarre. Everyone we come across we are a part of, and inevitably must respect and accept whether they are of a different race, creed or religion. I am not attempting to preach but sharing what I have realized in my short time on earth. St. Francis said," A sinner is lead back to God by humble meekness rather than creal scolding". I believe we can all apply this to our everyday lives even if we are not christians. I think if we are offended by someone it is important to be gentle rather than hateful. I AM NOT GOOD
at THIS and it frustrates me I lose my temper a LOT ! too much !! Just twice yesterday I had to go back (that I can remember and eat my words with grown adults that were not in my family). I eat words all the time in my own family. I don't try to be mean but having bi-polar is not a good combination with being a woman, your cycle and 2 kids home schooling and a work at home spouse.
I just want everyone to feel 'normal' in my blog. Especially mothers of mid-pre teen children and it is hard. I have an 8 year old and a 12 about to be 13 year old. lol, and He is someone to be reckoned with. He has not been taking his depression medicine for who knows how long and suffers from sensory disorder and may have aspebergs. I am so stressed because it is going to be over 6 months before I can get him any help. It will be next year before I can see the psychologist at the specialist office.
I am amazed how different he is off his meds. At first I didn't know and then he burst into tears on and off and I caught him yesterday. I flat out asked him how long it had been and he said a couple of months. I am worried he does not understand the seriousness of taking medication and going cold turkey off of it. Just now his favorite toy got chewed up he is pissed and slamming stuff around. I am at a loss, typing here because it gives me solace. I don't know how many read this but I honestly don't know what is wrong with him. He is a great kid and looking at him you would not see anything but when you 'deal' with him there is something there. It is difficult for everyone in the family especially him. He feels so frustrated and like he is letting everyone down and he hates to take his medicine. He was so angry with me when he took his medicine. He said " It is always about the medicine". It was so hateful (his tone of voice). I don't know why but he is so angry and I do know that is how depression shows up in children. His chemicals in his brain are messed up. He has had to see his mom try to hurt herself several times (not literally) but be in the hospital. It has scarred his brain and caused ptsd I am sure. I can't feel guilty I was seeing quacky, dingy doctors that had me seriously overmedicated. I wasn't thinking straight. Oddly enough they are still in practice. Karma is a bitch though. It will come back to haunt them. On a side note once when I was admitted to a terrible hospital where an old doctor of mine was going to be on call he sent me away to another hospital (which was good for me I got better treatment anyhoo). I just think my son unfortunately doesn't realize what a dramatic difference medication can have with depression. If we had cancer it would be more acceptable. I know he doesn't want to end up like me. That is what I am getting what my inner capabilities are telling me.
I just had a good friend tell me that he should be "over it" by now. I am angry about it, because people that are traumatized in their childhood don't just frigging " GET OVER IT" . I am so pissed that I want to scream and my son is being a turd. I don't know why he is choosing or not I can't tell but he is SO incredibly mean to me. I don't fucking deserve this.
I had such a lovely weekend too with my family in the mountains. No computer, or t.v. or phones around to bother us. We fished for trout and examined their insides looking at specifically their respitory system which we are studying in science. (We had to gut and clean the fish). No arguing, no fighting , board games walking and antique shopping going through the mountains, looking and picnicing, views and beauty and rest. Sheer and utter unadlterated quiet. I was shocked totally. I went to bed Friday and woke up Saturday and had NO CLUE where I was it took a couple of minutes to get my bearings.
I have to print out the " Serenity Prayer" it is important for us to identify the a. things we cannot change , the things we can change and what the wisdom that lies therein. I had a therapist help me with that one in the hospital. (My neighbor like to call me a pill head, I got over it by doing that and accepting the fact I will ALWAYS be on medication. It is final ! Or I would be dead.... I don't want that.
love -me
Saturday, October 8, 2011
I am tired of all the arguing !!!!
Damnit I want peace in my home. I want peace so bad that I am ready to leave my husband but I have not means to. I am trapped like a rat. I am stuck in this shit like I can't imagine. I am home schooling my children and must do so to get them on track because both of them fell behind in school and missed quite a bit. My son NEVER learned the basic grammar and my daughter kept failing in math yet the teacher passed her. They are both very bright but I feel the responsibility is on me to guide them into the right path.
My spouse yells at my son like he is a dog. I was angry at my spouse because I went to the grocery store and wanted to come home and cook as it was noon when I got back. He was laying down watching t.v. and since I have been sick all week I haven't been able to get much done but school. I was furious, and he said " I tried" and I was like "what you don't think my back hurts?" Seriously don't give me a cop out when my back is messed up and I need help too. I am tired of it. He griped because he was like I didn't get my sleep....ugh he is constantly griping and bitching and I am sick of it. The glass is always HALF EMPTY. I am tired of it. Jesus above help me get through this time in my life. I am not all prissy like I was I smoke and he complains because I am not like I was when I was married to Mark. He say I bring up Mark more than I do our marriage. He hates me and who I am now. He even admitted he didn't like me anymore. I don't know how a mate could hurt a person more. I don't think I can touch him ever again. He has hurt me beyond hurt. I don't think I am going to kiss him EVER again. I am who I am and he doesn't appreciate me. The things I tell him he thinks are bologna and that I am hallucinating and my imagination is working overtime. He doesn't understand my spirituality nor does he appreciate it and it hurts. I give up trying to be his friend and he won't be my lover. I don't have a real relationship with him. He is an asshole to Christopher and he has problems he may have bi-polar and I can't see that specialist with him for another 6 months. so ??? what am I supposed to do. I am fucked stuck in this marriage unappreciated and yelled at and mistreated and everyone that knows him thinks he is so god damn great. He is a jerk. A big ugly mean ass jerk and I think he goes on here and reads this because I sign out and every time I go to type on my blog I am already signed in. I go on the porch to be alone because I HATE t.v. and don't think that it is worth shit to watch and it rots your brain. That is why I go outside to be with God and nature. I talk to God and listen to music. I am so fed up with this stuff him bitching and it does not motivate me to be a better person it just brings me down. That is what it does maybe if he was somewhat nice to me I would clean more or do more but I hate being around him . He needs to see a shrink. I pray to God things change if they don't then eventually I am going to leave his ass and be ALONE. I am tired of this shit. I don't need the emotional abuse and neither does he and my kids surely don't need to hear all the yelling and fighting when it does happen. We are stressed about money and that causes the arguments but it is not an excuse to belittle my son. My son my have autism or something and when he (husband ) starts on him he doesn't let go. He is like a roaring lion eating him alive. He just won't shut up and tears him down. I at least apologize when I am a jerk I know when I have crossed the bounds of being an asshole. I apologize. Not him he just says everything like my son is a man grown and can take it and my son sits on the floor with his hands over his ears and cries and cries and says how bad he is and then today my husband was telling him to "STOP IT" and making fun of him. Like it was easy not to be upset under those circumstances. Oh my God Jesus Lord how I would love to leave. I am getting my son into counseling. I hope my husband keeps his pdoc appt. I hope he does. He needs to go desperately. I am going to go now. I feel like shit and my life is shit and I want to crawl in a hole and die but I have kids to live and protect. I am not doing anything stupid. I don't have that option.
My spouse yells at my son like he is a dog. I was angry at my spouse because I went to the grocery store and wanted to come home and cook as it was noon when I got back. He was laying down watching t.v. and since I have been sick all week I haven't been able to get much done but school. I was furious, and he said " I tried" and I was like "what you don't think my back hurts?" Seriously don't give me a cop out when my back is messed up and I need help too. I am tired of it. He griped because he was like I didn't get my sleep....ugh he is constantly griping and bitching and I am sick of it. The glass is always HALF EMPTY. I am tired of it. Jesus above help me get through this time in my life. I am not all prissy like I was I smoke and he complains because I am not like I was when I was married to Mark. He say I bring up Mark more than I do our marriage. He hates me and who I am now. He even admitted he didn't like me anymore. I don't know how a mate could hurt a person more. I don't think I can touch him ever again. He has hurt me beyond hurt. I don't think I am going to kiss him EVER again. I am who I am and he doesn't appreciate me. The things I tell him he thinks are bologna and that I am hallucinating and my imagination is working overtime. He doesn't understand my spirituality nor does he appreciate it and it hurts. I give up trying to be his friend and he won't be my lover. I don't have a real relationship with him. He is an asshole to Christopher and he has problems he may have bi-polar and I can't see that specialist with him for another 6 months. so ??? what am I supposed to do. I am fucked stuck in this marriage unappreciated and yelled at and mistreated and everyone that knows him thinks he is so god damn great. He is a jerk. A big ugly mean ass jerk and I think he goes on here and reads this because I sign out and every time I go to type on my blog I am already signed in. I go on the porch to be alone because I HATE t.v. and don't think that it is worth shit to watch and it rots your brain. That is why I go outside to be with God and nature. I talk to God and listen to music. I am so fed up with this stuff him bitching and it does not motivate me to be a better person it just brings me down. That is what it does maybe if he was somewhat nice to me I would clean more or do more but I hate being around him . He needs to see a shrink. I pray to God things change if they don't then eventually I am going to leave his ass and be ALONE. I am tired of this shit. I don't need the emotional abuse and neither does he and my kids surely don't need to hear all the yelling and fighting when it does happen. We are stressed about money and that causes the arguments but it is not an excuse to belittle my son. My son my have autism or something and when he (husband ) starts on him he doesn't let go. He is like a roaring lion eating him alive. He just won't shut up and tears him down. I at least apologize when I am a jerk I know when I have crossed the bounds of being an asshole. I apologize. Not him he just says everything like my son is a man grown and can take it and my son sits on the floor with his hands over his ears and cries and cries and says how bad he is and then today my husband was telling him to "STOP IT" and making fun of him. Like it was easy not to be upset under those circumstances. Oh my God Jesus Lord how I would love to leave. I am getting my son into counseling. I hope my husband keeps his pdoc appt. I hope he does. He needs to go desperately. I am going to go now. I feel like shit and my life is shit and I want to crawl in a hole and die but I have kids to live and protect. I am not doing anything stupid. I don't have that option.
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