Topher was gone all weekend and it made me sad....I am so sad that my boy is growing up, He is so big and strong like a man. 5'5 and 170 lbs and has a 12 size foot. I can't believe it. I miss the days when he would sit in my lap and I would read to him or just love on him. I miss the baby that he used to be, him and Maya. I used to cuddle and nurse them when they were little and it meant so much to be such a strong symbol in their lives. I wish my mother would have been like that with me. She was distant and cold like most German people. I don't understand it but I can make sense of it because her adopted mother was awful to her. She locked her in closets and beat her with brooms and belts. My mother was the product of a Nazi affair. Her father was Gestapo and my grandmother (biological) was a Jew. I know my mother was born of the concentration camp from a rape. I wish I could say otherwise but I know the things that happened then were awful. I am sad for my mother and she is not around now. I should have listened to my husband and saved her and had her live with me. I would have cared for her but I was not strong like I am now.
I don't understand this pulling away that children do. It is hard when your identity IS your family. I used to be successful and did things and now I am just a 'mom' to most. It is a life I adore. I am not tidy like my mother was, I have a horrid back condition and probably fybromyalgia. I wish I didn't but taking medication for it makes you gain weight and nothing really helps and my arthritis is terrible. I take nuerontin when I need to it helps a little. I am tired of hurting all the time. I think that constant pain just makes you want to die. It really does. It is from the trauma I had when I was a little girl. I was raped and beaten and forced to do a LOT of hard heavy lifting and when I worked I had to lift things and just screwed up my body. When you have trauma your body remembers it and carries it with you the rest of your life. I wish I could cleanse my being and heal it. My son is a healer but he doesn't want to hear anything about it. He just wishes he could be 'normal'. His hands get so hot to the touch when he prays or touches me. I know God gifted him with this for a reason. I know he will be a pastor of a church one day which is why I named him Christopher (which means bearer of Christ). I believe that names are key to WHO YOU ARE. When I was a child people called me 'Cinderella' and Leska "Mommie Dearest". She was such a freak of nature. I oddly enough have the name Tatjana which means "Princess" I think it is funny that I was named princess and was called Cinderella .... because she became a princess. I find that humorous. It is just SO incredibly ironic. Life is full of irony.
My life has been pretty messy but I am attempting to change and grow. Tonight I will return to church which is scary. I just feel the need to be with God in a literal sense and I guess I feel like maybe He is at church. I believe totally what the "Stigmata" movie says about the book in the Bible that was not allowed to be in there by the Catholics . It states from Jesus that He is everywhere. He is in the trees and earth and flowers and doesn't have to be just in a building. My dog is sad because he got into the brawnsweiger which was on the table and he ate it and now he is crying because he thinks we are mad at him. I told him I understood he was just hungry and he is doing better :) . I don't give a rats ass what people say, dogs have souls just like humans. Did you know cats are the only animal that are not mentioned in the Bible ? My son told me that. Wierd and strange isn't it?
I don't know how to get my house clean. I am attempting to get motivated and I just feel crappy. Nothing helps thank God that I see my shrink next week (I think). I am not feeling so great. I don't want to take Prozac anymore it gives me night terrors about the devil and all sorts of past trauma and they say it is for PTSD. I don't understand how a drug that is for that can cause you to have bad dreams about stuff you want to forget.
Last night my phone called someone (I don't know them from Adam) that lives about 2 hours away. 4 times at 1:30 this morning. It was her son Nathan that had died from a drug overdose. My gift is getting stronger, and I don't understand what to do. I got that Nathan wanted her forgivness and I prayed with her. She seemed to be more peaceful after we talked. I don't have ANY record on ANY of my phones with her number. Just now when I was typing about this the screen when blank. Something is here with me now and just knocked something off the desk. I keep my feet crossed under the chair I am sitting in so there is NO way I unplugged it. Nathan must be here with me now. I dunno or someone else. I give up on trying to understand this gift / curse. It is hard to always "FEEL" what is going on with others it is like electricity running constantly around me. I can see what people look like when I don't even know them. I can see stuff that has happened and my heart was hurting after I talked with Ms. Margret. I dunno. I just don't understand.. I am going to go and wash my son's covers so I can make up his bed. I cleaned his carpet. It doesn't look great because it is as old at the house but it smells good in his room now. I am going to try to tuck him in tonight if he will let me.
Pray for me Paul. I will pray for you. I like your column that you have and it is very insightful. My husband is Catholic. I like the mystisim that is involved but you are right the 10 minutes they have of what they think is insightful text doesn't touch the true greatness of our God. I don't know why they walk around with the Bible like it is so Holy that we shouldn't touch it or why only Catholics are allowed the sacrement. I wish it wasn't so. No church has the lowdown on God. The church that I am going to is The Lords Church , the Church of Christ and they think they are the only way into Heaven. Jesus died for ALL MEN and that is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am going to leave this room the printer just made a noise and it is off. Something is following me. I need divine intervention. God PLEASE help me understand what is going on. I need you. Speak to me tonight. I love you Tanja
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