I have to be honest, and it might help someone else to hear my story...You see when I was a kid age 5 or 6, my parents divorced. I was living with my mother, however she could not afford to keep me and had to let my dad have me. It was horrible, although I loved my dad I wanted to live with my mother, but he was not paying child support.  She had to get a job and could not keep me. She had it rough, we took taxis everywhere because no one taught her to drive ( she was German)... and she only spoke German to me. Oddly enough I still understand it :).  I dunno I moved in with my father and my step-mother Michelle, her two sons and Richie my step brother. It changed my life. What was my father thinking when he married a stripper , REALLY !  Her sons made me do bad things with them, and my step-brother Richie raped me. I don't call it molestation. I call it rape. Molestation is too nice of a word and those who this has happened to know what I mean. I know we live in a 'fallen' world so NO I do not blame God for what happened. It would not do any good to blame anyone. What good would that do ? It doesn't make what happened go away, or undo the pain.  I am just glad it is over that is all I can say. 

     Quite honestly, I have had a hard time dealing with the horror that happened. I have been in therapy since I was 19.  I guess I started after Richie called me and said, "I heard my little sis was married " ... I was  FURIOUS ! I immediately went into reactive mode, a thing that is all too comfortable to me and told him " I REMEMBER WHAT YOU DID".  I immediately hung up on him and was crying.  I was so incredibly livid. What nerve did HE have to call me and say that ? He is a pedophile for sure, I know I am not the only one he has hurt.  I remember one specific incidence where he said we were going to 'play a game'....It was NOT funny at all or fun. I am graciously blessed by God with two children after all this has happened to my body so I count myself lucky.   O.K. I am giving you a warning if some of you are squeamish then do not read any further. At age six (*Richie was 15) he put a water hose inside of my and turned it on full blast.


     I am writing this down, because for those of us who have unfortunately been abused by someone in whatever way, we not only have to deal with the initial trauma of the ABUSE but its consequences .  I have to say it makes me very angry. I have had to be in therapy for so many years I have lost count.   It isn't just the fact that I was raped,  by different people, my ex-husband or Richie . It isn't just the emotional damage something like that has caused.  People overlook the Physical Damage in later years....

     I do not know how I honestly had kids. You see after the physical trauma of the water hose and the many abusers that attacked me in my youth, I have Intercystial Cystitis ... It is having bladder leakage to the Nth degree. I am sorry for being  so graphic I pray it does someone some kind of good to know I am one of many unfortunately and for those of us who have suffered WE ARE NOT ALONE.  I have no control of my bladder and am in constant pain.  I used to be on pain medication but got addicted so I have just stopped with my shrink's help.  I as you may have noticed have a better perspective than in previous posts because I have a new outlook.  I have a good tdoc and she helps me a lot.  The style of therapy she does when we are trying to place a memory is EMDR and it is VERY EFFECTIVE.  I honestly say I hated DBT and this is much better. 

I want people to understand how I am having to have a hysterectomy from the mess that was made of my insides.  It angers me yes but I have to accept it. I have had problems for as long as I can remember.  It does no good to play the blame game either. I am 40 now and well I am realizing that I have to overcome and it is a fight and if I stay angry it is only going to continue giving him power over me and you know what I am done with that part of my life.  I refuse to let him or anyone else control me. It is why I can get so disagreeable. I don't like being jacked around and treated badly.  I have to say, not that it makes it alright but someone had to have done it to him.  Yes I believe  that  is NOT AN EXCUSE.  Rape is not about sex, but about power.  It just is.  The control was in his hands.  Anytime my father told him to leave me alone (Richard Sr. did not know until later ) or if Richie got into trouble over something he did to me.  I REMEMBER him looking at me and saying with his face and evil eyes ... "I am going to get you".  I remember him holding me under the bathwater when he gave me a bath. I remember him putting pillows over my face or stuffing HIS socks in my mouth.  

    None of this is acceptable, but what makes it even worse is - he told me "if you tell the devil is going to get you"... I even think from a blurry memory that he was in a black robed cult because I remember things happened there too.  That I will leave out.   I have a severely dark past thanks to those people who were supposed to care for me and didn't.  I do not understand I am THERE for my kids I don't expect them to do my house work or beat them or mistreat them.  I know I am not a perfect mother but I try to do better each day. The Lord knows I am a perfectionist, and was a former really dedicated "Type A" personality.  It is difficult to live up to all of that.

    Well you know I truly believe there is a lesson in EVERYTHING and well I will never, ever be able to use the gifts that God has given me if I am stuck in the past and I am 40 now and I must move on or all of this will kill me.  I am not saying ANY OF THE ABUSE WAS O.K. that is not my point. It surely was NOT !  I am saying it is time to let go of it.  I can't bring that innocent six year old back and fix it.  I can only stay in THE PRESENT.  I really am amazed I have two beautiful children and a great husband.  None of us are perfect but we love each other.  We truly do.   That is what counts, I am blessed for sure.  I did have two miscarriages yes, but after the divorce I got pregnant and met my current husband and then later we had my other child ... God is truly good.

     I wish I could say it is easy to let go of the pain, it isn't.  I have found the stages of grief are really true:   Shock and Denial, Pain and Guilt, Anger and Bargaining, Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness, The Upward Turn, Reconstruction and Working Through,  Acceptance and Hope.

I am glad to say I am in the " Reconstruction Phase"  and thankful.  Yes I have been severely abused by all the so called parents I had, not just my biological ones. I was living with a real foster family (although I think she had her license taken away ...)  and she was as mean as a rattler.  I can't go back and undo the damage she caused or any that anyone caused me.  I don't know how you guys feel, but it SUCKS.  I have had so much trauma to the head from being smacked around, I have been told I have brain damage.  I know you are saying "WHAT?" . How can someone with brain trauma make complete sentences ?  Well being smacked around is not good for anyone. Especially not a child whose brain is still growing.  All the serotonin was messed up from drug use in college ( I have been clean for over 20 years).  I was traumatized ever since birth and it was NOT until I was an adult and with my new husband that things started undoing themselves.

     With EVERY experience we have it makes a pathway for serotonin to flow if you hit a child in the head it affects the brain.  I have had car accidents and been abused even in my other marriage. (He was terrible).  I have had trauma until I was 26 and well that is a LONG time ... I had a crazy lady that changed the spelling of my name, wanted me to change it to India, and gave me her awful last name.  I was told this was so people would not question the legality of medical procedures. Who the heck knows?  I had another set of parents constantly telling me to behave or they were going to put me in a home.  When I was in college I met my first husband and well that was a huge mistake.  I began my drug use after I married him.  We didn't know the first thing about marriage, I was looking for security and I was considered "high maintenance property" to him. He called me crazy and took friends away and isolated me and made me TOTALLY DEPENDENT  on him. I then went on my own and explored my adulthood.  I have had EVERY kind of abuse there is.  I am a survivor not a "victim" anymore . I pray that for anyone who reads this and understands where I am coming from.  Man after my divorce I didn't even know how to get gas for pity's sake... sad huh ?

Well, I guess I have a lot to learn just like everyone else.  I am just grateful for good friends and family.  I am also truly thankful for God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.  I have an appointment with a lady who has gifts similar to mine but knows how to use them. LOL .... I am going to get some advice from her and have a cleansing (spiritual )  No she is not going to cast spirits into me or out of me but it is an energy thing .  I don't think anyone would understand what I meant unless you have been explained and I can't so... I have spiritual gifts but not sure exactly how to use them. I desperately need training.

I am going to write another blog and hope someone out there got something out of me bearing my soul.

Take care all... t