I went to the hospital for a med redo, and well I just was fucked up. I kept feeling like I wanted to kick someone's ass or was going to run into a car when I was driving or in front of a truck or into something. I was NOT well. I just could not handle myself. The tdoc that ckd me in said I was having mixed states which in bp mentality means you go from drive to reverse and back again. It really sucks. I dunno what to do with myself. I am also struggling with my sexuality. I don't want to be with men at all. I mean I haven't had sex with a man (husband) for over 8 years and don't want to really not because I don't love him but I don't like penis' and find them revolting because of being raped at 6 years of age by many different people including my step-brother. He was 15 and I was six. He was probably six feet tall and wore a 13 shoe and I was tiny. I don't know what the fuck his problem was. He was a man and I was a little girl. He used a water hose on me too that is why my bladder is all fucked up. I hate the bastard. I told that to the doctor in the hospital and she was so sad she started crying. She said the girls in the facility did not EVER tell and she told me how strong I was for being able to talk about it. How can I NOT remember ? How can I not be ANGRY about it? The injustice done to children at the hands of bastards like that ? It is sick. I get mad at people driving too fast though a parking lot. If someone hurt my children I would KILL them plain and simple. I would. If I found out someone raped or molested my children they would pay dearly mark my words at the hand of God. I would not tolerate it. I would not stand by and wait for some magistrate to deal out their sentence. I don't think there is any law that fits. My best friend got raped in an alley at the age of 11. It shocked me to find out that his sentence was like 4 years . that was all. How pathetic is that ? He should have been casterated. He should have been hung. I don't know what life my step-brother is leading but from what I understand he is some so called 'christian' (which is WHY I don't go to church) church is a very loose term in most places. They let anyone in and Do not check backgrounds lol. I just heard the most creepy noise in my house. ugh that is ANOTHER STORY....
I have been having weird shit happen around my house. I don't KNOW what is going on. My so called psychic friend won't come over and bless it ( I guess she is scared lol) and the priest want me to contact a priest closer to my home and the priest closer to my home wants me to contact someone of my own faith which I don't have a 'particular faith' so I am fucked. So, I am in bed the other day after the kids have had an argument and was telling them how Jesus said to forgive 70 X 7 and the hot water faucet turnes on ... all by itself. ? Also, a computer flies off the desk in my husbands room and knocks off a computer screen upside down .... when I am by myself. I hear voices say "we are tired of this " in unison like demonic ones in my son's room woke up at 2 am creeped me out and now I hear something shaking my dogs cage harshly. It shook it several times. I don't know what to do? If anyone has any advice let me know how to get a thing that is evil out of my house. It is creeping me out. I threw my tarot cards away. That is for sure. I am not messing with them. May God protect us. I am not giving glory to the weirdness I am not afraid I did not flinch except for when the computer flew off the desk that I was not expecting. Now I expect it. I expect something to happen. I know to protect my dogs I just let Bella out of her cage. Jesus be with us as we sleep if I can get that way. I dunno if I can. I am not tired. ugh. I had to write in my blog.
I am stressed beyond recognition. I dunno I feel stressed out and am tired of people using me. I am sick of my husband not listening to me and wanting me to "hush" , he doesn't want me to talk about what is going on in my mind or what I am thinking about or the past ... he says "he is not my therapist. I don't have any idea what happened to him prior to him meeting me or he doesn't have any idea what happened to me prior to me meeting him I guess. he knows a little of my history. I got hurt a lot. Beatings from Leska a lot of them. I followed the footsteps of my mother I think. I totally believe that she was a war child. Born from WWII she has a Polish last name so I am a german jew... I have the history behind me from what I can understand and decifer, my mothers mother -what she told me was a Jewish actress and her father was a Nazi. I am guessing she was born in a Nazi camp and adopted out. She was adopted. It sucked her life she was beaten and locked in closets and starved her foster mother was nutso like Leska. There was no telling what she had to do to survive. Then she escaped before the wall was built. She met my father sometime in 1971 and I was born in 1972 in Germany. He was in the Army, and he wasn't even there when I was born the bastard. He was NEVER there when I needed him. EVER. All the times he should have been watching over me he wasn't. He gave me to Leska his cousin and she just used me as a maid because she was to damn lazy to do her own work and it ruined my back and now I pay for it. I am only 39 and my back is all fucked up because of her. I was called Cinderella by all of her family, oddly enough my name means "PrIncess" but they don't know now is I am living like a Queen and the joke is on them. I have it easy comparitively to their lives. I guess God smiled on me thankfully . I don't know why I am a sinner too. I just don't go around beating my kids and smacking them in the head telling them they are stupid all the time and causing brain damage. You would NOT believe it ... she had me thinking that I could not think for myself and I would believe EVERYTHING she said. She made me watch the "faces of death" videos and also got a sheep with maggots in it and made me feed it a bottle it was fucking dying and she made me feed it a damn bottle while they were crawling in and out of its skin. YOU KNOW that is traumatic ! I was sitting there watching the videos and thinking why am I watching this and she had told me if I didn't watch all of them she would beat me. I got a beating for trimming my hair. Well she wouldn't let me get a haircut. What was I supposed to do. She would rip the hairbrush through my curly hair. She NEVER did it right and had patience with my tender head. It HURT ! I trimmed my hair unevenly and her daughter saw that I had done it and said "mom is gonna kill you" and she told her and then she took me to get a bob it looked so pretty. Boys started paying attention to me. It was the best time of my life. I felt so pretty. Then one Saturday when everyone was gone, she made me strip naked and lay on Maeleska's bed and facedown I laid while she took an open belt and whipped me like 45 times. and counted it everytime all over my back and ass. It hurt like hell. People would wonder why I was so defensive and angry ? I couldn't help it. I couldn't, I was hurt NO ONE EVER WANTED ME. EVER I am not sure if I am wanted now for more than a cook and dishwasher. I know he loves me but he doesn't show it. he doesn't show he loves me. I need physical affection. I NEED it. I have to have it and I haven't had it in so damn long I have forgotten what it feels like to be touched like that. I dunno am I crazy ? It just hurts. That is all. My kids are on my last nerve. They don't listen for shit and act helpless. I guess I say that because I was expected to do so much at such a young age and comparitivley they are helpless. I used to clean house at 9 my daughter won't clean the toilet it is "yucky" if I acted like that I got backhanded. I can't do that. My "leska" wants to come out but I won't let it. I refuse to because I hate her so much. She was such a shit. No one like her should ever have had Foster kids but she raised them me and many others collected money from the gov't and was a faker and a fucker. shame on her. Ruined lives ... She has children she smuggled across the border from Mexico too and personally it drives me crazy because she has already ruined one of the kids lives and made her into me all over again what I used to be. Its terrible. She stayed with my old parents for awhile and got better started thinking clearly and leska didn't like that so she made her go back home. dumbass. Leska is coniving. Anyway Leska brought these kids over from Mexico to take care of her when she gets old because she already pissed off her own natural born children. She is that bad of a mother. I MEAN IT.
I think I have ranted and raved long enough but would like to add one more thing tonight or this morning- my dad tried to rape me twice as a teenager. What a bastard. You can't trust the man. He smacked me when I repeated what he cursed at me. He said if your damn radio is more important than your fuckin scholin than you can just quit. I said all you ever say to me is "damn and fuck" and he hit me full on. My whole cheek swelled up. The school should have called the cops on him. DSS should have gotten involved. NO ONE did. NO ONE CARED EVENTUALLY i spent the night at my neighbors and he thought I ran away. I ended back with Deena and Steve thank God. They saved my life. I praise God for them, they kept me out of trouble.
I don't know much about life except Jesus is my hero. He was the coolest person to ever walk the earth i wish I had His patience. His love and His discernment. I need His help right now I am feeling sad and lonely. Fluctuating talking about all this stuff has made me sad. I hope this has been enlightening and helpful to those of you who struggle with issues similar. May God bless you.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Well My husband made a fucking LIST
Well my husband made a type of list you see to explain his turn ons and turn offs and I don't like it one damn bit. He also told me my style of sexuality made him feel "dirty". I thought from his porn activity that my style of sexuality was tame in comparison. He said he wants me to be "classy". I am at my fucking wits end with him. He listed things like "talking about chores and money stress him out" and that "whip cream and strawberries are a turn on " and crap like that. I don't know anymore what to do.
I am tired of this bullshit. I am ready to leave and be alone just alone with my God and not anyone else. I am sick of this because I haven't had sex with anyone but MYSELF and it is getting old. I have men hit on me when I look like total shit. I was in the store the other day and this really nice looking black man asked me for my number. I had an AFRO under my bandana and capris on with a dirty t-shirt and NO bra. I totally smelled too. I have been so depressed I have been suicidal and now my husband springs this shit on me? I don't need it. He REALLY hurt my feelings and I have no use for him. I just want to fucking leave and I have no god damn place to go. I don't have my disablity they won't give it to me I am college educated and he makes too much money, and well quite frankly I have a lot of honors and academia behind my name so they just think I am too smart ? I don't get it though I have been committed so many times they should NAME a hospital after me and Friday I cussed out my husband's doctor three different times because they were giving me shit about calling in some medication for him which could have caused him to have a stroke. Dumbasses. I am so pissed at the world right now I could have smacked my neighbor today who was sitting outside watching me and the kids I am ON EDGE and don't like it. Not to mention something creepy is going on in my house. Faucets turning on things falling off shelves bangs on walls knocking voices you fucking name it. I have blessed the house but can I get a priest to come over Hell no. NO ONE cares. I heard a large bang and called a friend to come over she told me " you are fine, nothing is there" My husbands computer was on the floor and his screen was toppled over NO EXPLANATION. ugh. some friend. I do everything for people and get nothing in return. I am done with it. I would rather help the homeless than someone who calls themself a friend to me . I had given someone 100 dollars for an eviction notice and when they got their paycheck ...they ate at Ryan's ? I went and bought them groceries with my money and had to buy myself groceries with it too. I only had $140 ? They didn't look at the COST of anything . I was looking and saying this is the same thing and it is cheaper. Can you get it ? Even if it was only a few cents ...IT WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE and when she took me to Subway I got a kids meal not the most expensive thing on the menu. Excuse me for being practical. I don't use people. I think Amy is mad because I didn't PAY her for keeping my kids the night me and Phil went to eat out and spent the night alone but you know what happened ? They didn't tell me that Topher didn't have his meds and also let him stay up with her husband DRINKING beer in front of him God knows how much (he is an alchoholic) until 4am... and she is mad at me. duh that is so fucking stupid. I give up on having friends . I give up. I would rather GO TO GOD than to go to a friend I can't even really depend on my husband he said I make him sick. so fuck him too. I am tired of this shit . I need to go to the hospital because I am so fucking depressed. I have so much shit to do and can't get it done and my son's school is suffering and he can't handle school and he just got put on ADD meds and he is doing better. I am about to call my insurance. I need help. I wish I had two cars. I don't though. I hate my husband for saying what he said to me. I feel dirty enough most of the time I don't need someone saying that to me. Now I really want to die.
I am tired of this bullshit. I am ready to leave and be alone just alone with my God and not anyone else. I am sick of this because I haven't had sex with anyone but MYSELF and it is getting old. I have men hit on me when I look like total shit. I was in the store the other day and this really nice looking black man asked me for my number. I had an AFRO under my bandana and capris on with a dirty t-shirt and NO bra. I totally smelled too. I have been so depressed I have been suicidal and now my husband springs this shit on me? I don't need it. He REALLY hurt my feelings and I have no use for him. I just want to fucking leave and I have no god damn place to go. I don't have my disablity they won't give it to me I am college educated and he makes too much money, and well quite frankly I have a lot of honors and academia behind my name so they just think I am too smart ? I don't get it though I have been committed so many times they should NAME a hospital after me and Friday I cussed out my husband's doctor three different times because they were giving me shit about calling in some medication for him which could have caused him to have a stroke. Dumbasses. I am so pissed at the world right now I could have smacked my neighbor today who was sitting outside watching me and the kids I am ON EDGE and don't like it. Not to mention something creepy is going on in my house. Faucets turning on things falling off shelves bangs on walls knocking voices you fucking name it. I have blessed the house but can I get a priest to come over Hell no. NO ONE cares. I heard a large bang and called a friend to come over she told me " you are fine, nothing is there" My husbands computer was on the floor and his screen was toppled over NO EXPLANATION. ugh. some friend. I do everything for people and get nothing in return. I am done with it. I would rather help the homeless than someone who calls themself a friend to me . I had given someone 100 dollars for an eviction notice and when they got their paycheck ...they ate at Ryan's ? I went and bought them groceries with my money and had to buy myself groceries with it too. I only had $140 ? They didn't look at the COST of anything . I was looking and saying this is the same thing and it is cheaper. Can you get it ? Even if it was only a few cents ...IT WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE and when she took me to Subway I got a kids meal not the most expensive thing on the menu. Excuse me for being practical. I don't use people. I think Amy is mad because I didn't PAY her for keeping my kids the night me and Phil went to eat out and spent the night alone but you know what happened ? They didn't tell me that Topher didn't have his meds and also let him stay up with her husband DRINKING beer in front of him God knows how much (he is an alchoholic) until 4am... and she is mad at me. duh that is so fucking stupid. I give up on having friends . I give up. I would rather GO TO GOD than to go to a friend I can't even really depend on my husband he said I make him sick. so fuck him too. I am tired of this shit . I need to go to the hospital because I am so fucking depressed. I have so much shit to do and can't get it done and my son's school is suffering and he can't handle school and he just got put on ADD meds and he is doing better. I am about to call my insurance. I need help. I wish I had two cars. I don't though. I hate my husband for saying what he said to me. I feel dirty enough most of the time I don't need someone saying that to me. Now I really want to die.
Monday, April 18, 2011
I made it surprisingly through 13 days
I don't know how I did it but I did ... I made it through the 13 days with him being gone. It was rough more than I could have EVER imagined. I cried a lot. I spent money on people that didn't appreciate it and got hurt in the process, and taken advantage of. I learned a big lesson, I need his covering or I would probably have to give the kids up because I can't do it on my own. I can't but I don't know if he could either. I know he did it better than I did when I was gone but the house was a mess and I had to throw all my dishes away.
I dunno we are a TEAM that is what I know not seperate. These kids are driving me up a wall all the damn time. I am sick of their attitude and not listening. I need to call the family therapist can't find her number. I am texting her in a minute. gtg have things to do. folding and what not. of course school did not go well today, my son couldn't focus and was all over the place. It took him 3 hours just to do his math and he only did two small sections of it . I am getting sick of it. Threating him with putting him in public school is NOT working.
I dunno we are a TEAM that is what I know not seperate. These kids are driving me up a wall all the damn time. I am sick of their attitude and not listening. I need to call the family therapist can't find her number. I am texting her in a minute. gtg have things to do. folding and what not. of course school did not go well today, my son couldn't focus and was all over the place. It took him 3 hours just to do his math and he only did two small sections of it . I am getting sick of it. Threating him with putting him in public school is NOT working.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
this is how I feel when my husband is gone
This indecision got me climbing up the wall
I've been cheating gravity and waiting on the fall
How did this come over me, I thought I was above it all
Our hope's gone up in smoke, swallow your crown
On a kiss, I thought I'd save my breath for you
On a kiss, I thought I'd save my breath for you
Give me some rope I'm coming loose, I'm hanging on you
Give me some rope I'm coming loose, I'm pulling for you now
Give me some rope I'm coming, out of my head, into the clear when you, go,
I, come, loose
These premonitions got me crying up a storm
Leave your condition, this position does no harm
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/rope-lyrics-foo-fighters.html ]
On a kiss, I thought I'd save my breath for you
On a kiss, I thought I'd save my breath for you
Give me some rope I'm coming loose, I'm hanging on you
Give me some rope I'm coming loose, I'm pulling for you now
Give me some rope I'm coming, out of my head, into the clear when you, go,
I, come, loose
Give me some rope I'm coming loose, I'm hanging on you
Give me some rope I'm coming loose, I'm pulling for you now
Give me some hope I'm coming through, I'm counting on you
Give me some rope I'm coming, out of my head, into the clear when you, go,
I, come Loose
he has been gone for awhil now and I am lost now without him. The kids have not been behaving.
I am lost.... he is returning Wednesday. I am cleaning his office now and the carpets the dogs pooped on when they got a stomach virus. I am tired as hell and trying to stay motivated. I am going to conquer this stuff with a bold spirit and do it all by tommorow and that way my friends can paint his room I am doing his office art deco and spent like a thousand dollars on the stuff .. it is going to look so cool. Marylin Monroe stuff and Paris stuff and a stool with a really groovy pillow. I also got him a rod and am going to glue place mats on it for a window treatment they are bamboo. It kicks ass. When he gets back I am getting tattooed and going shopping and having some fun. I have gone through hell with these children. LITERALLY my son has been obrtrusive with his mouth and I gave away my daughters toys because she threw her toys on top of the poop in the room I was pissed. It was terrible. I am cleaning it now. I had to take a break because my back was hurting. Bending over to clean is not my thing. I am mopping and scrubbing everything today and moving my husands computer out of his rooom and all his printers (2) and his screens and two printers...I am going to be busy than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest and am enlisting the help of my children because they NEED TO HELP damnit. They have treated me like shit this week. I am tired of it. I yelled at them yesterday and made them cry but I didn't care because they get thier clothes that I was (mind you I washed like 20 loads a couple of weeks ago) I have a REALLY bad back and up until I got on nuerontin I could hardly move I take 4 600mg pills a day some times 5 and that is to keep me from limping ... I could NOT clean I had cleaning ladies.. at 85 a week. they did NOT do their job at all. I was getting taken. I fired ALL of them. especially the nazi one. She was a bitch. Reminded me of Leska and I DID NOT NEED THAT !!!!! anyway I got to do my own stuff and then the kids are throwing the clothes and toys in the floor and I am having my dog buddy poop on them when he caught my daughters stomach virus or got scared from a really bad storm I don't know which.... so I have a room stained with dog poop. It is dried on the carped I had to take hot water and Mr. Clean and totally awesome and pour it on the spots and then am taking a butter knife to scrub it off .. then I have to take the carpet cleaner over it and then the toilet brush.... to get it up... ugh It smells SO incredibly bad in there. I can't imagine how it is going to be when I get it clean. My crazy neighbor Anne came over and asked if my daughter slept in that room and I said NO ! emphatically....I don't dare make her sleep in that room. I could never make her sleep in that room. yuck. Anyway we have spirits in here (i think) unless my friend did something. I have had a peacable time without Philippe and have NOT heard nor seen ANYTHING and my neighbor has been nice to me so I don't know what is up. I am surprised about it too. She didn't yell about anything. Nor fuss about the house which is surprisingly clean. I told her I fired the cleaning ladies and my house is picked up. and my dishes are done for the most part. Just the dishes from last night. I made Hungarian Dumplings. You can get the Hungarian Paprika from World Market it is a specialty store and the recipe is on Cooks. com it is yummy. The only difference in the dumplings is the dumplings are made with eggs and the broth has paprika.. so it is red. It is very tasty. I love it. I have to say I have gone from living like a pig to being organized ... it is nice. I love it. I had a couple of bad weeks but am doing better ... I cleaned the guest bathroom the other day I just need to mop the floor and clean the sink and light fixture. I MUST clean the light fixture in my bathroom it hasn't been cleaned since I moved in. The nazi cleaning lady said she was going to clean it but she never did. I am also going to take a magic eraser to my sons walls in his room and my friends husband and cousing in law are going to hang light fixtures for me that i bought. they are modern. I am not going to have to replace the carpet if I get this poop out which would be nice because the dogs are not housebroken and will go in there again. I KNOW it they have already done it again today the dumbasses. ugh ! I hate that. I don't know why... I have them walk them and they come in the house and they go poop on the carpet in my daughter's room. I am going to lay down those pads and see if that helps if they go in there maybe they will go on those pads. I am listening to the Supremes. I love Diana Ross YAAAY she kicks ass. Her music is about sad stuff but you know it is about love and truthful things that happen in love. I believe that she is right on. I love 60's music. I love Janis and Jimmy too. I love all kinds of music even from the 30's and 40's I was born in the wrong era I think. I don't get into the music now I think music that is soulful is much better. I love adele and the foo fighters too. I know they have meaning. I must be in love to make love. My husband is the only man for me. I think I would be with a woman before I would cheat on my husband. If a woman came onto me I might think about it because I haven't had sex in so long... but that would be the only thing. I don't like men because i was rape and men make me feel threatened ...they are nasty creatures and overbearing and hateful. I hate men. Seriously they think they know better than you do and tend to be self-righteous and condescending. I don't need that. I had a black man come on to me and he is nice looking but he isn't smart and not well spoken I would have not EVER slept with him the way he acted. He was so rude and crass. I finally told him he needed to be a gentleman I didn't want to hear it I wasn't like that. I am a one man woman and even if me and my husband aren't intimate it doesn't matter I don't want a man. I don't like men (I didn't tell him that) but I don't. I would rather be with a girl. I would ! I don't want a man. I could see myself having sex with a woman WAY more than a man and would much rather do that than a man. I just don't want a penis inside of me. sorry for the bluntness. I don't like them. I was RAPED at 6 and I don't need that shit. I don't ...
I am going to talk about something happy now. I am making some curry tonight. I bought something at World Market that is yummy it is sauces and I am taking some of the leftover chicken and making a curry and going to make rice and save the dumplings for when hubby comes home.
I can't wait for my tattoos and shopping going to take my girlfriend to get her lip pierced too. she wants it done. I am going to get my nicoderm patches too to quit smoking I CAN'T WAIT ! I am going to be able to breathe.
well hope all is well with my readers thanks for listening. bye for now
I've been cheating gravity and waiting on the fall
How did this come over me, I thought I was above it all
Our hope's gone up in smoke, swallow your crown
On a kiss, I thought I'd save my breath for you
On a kiss, I thought I'd save my breath for you
Give me some rope I'm coming loose, I'm hanging on you
Give me some rope I'm coming loose, I'm pulling for you now
Give me some rope I'm coming, out of my head, into the clear when you, go,
I, come, loose
These premonitions got me crying up a storm
Leave your condition, this position does no harm
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/rope-lyrics-foo-fighters.html ]
On a kiss, I thought I'd save my breath for you
On a kiss, I thought I'd save my breath for you
Give me some rope I'm coming loose, I'm hanging on you
Give me some rope I'm coming loose, I'm pulling for you now
Give me some rope I'm coming, out of my head, into the clear when you, go,
I, come, loose
Give me some rope I'm coming loose, I'm hanging on you
Give me some rope I'm coming loose, I'm pulling for you now
Give me some hope I'm coming through, I'm counting on you
Give me some rope I'm coming, out of my head, into the clear when you, go,
I, come Loose
he has been gone for awhil now and I am lost now without him. The kids have not been behaving.
I am lost.... he is returning Wednesday. I am cleaning his office now and the carpets the dogs pooped on when they got a stomach virus. I am tired as hell and trying to stay motivated. I am going to conquer this stuff with a bold spirit and do it all by tommorow and that way my friends can paint his room I am doing his office art deco and spent like a thousand dollars on the stuff .. it is going to look so cool. Marylin Monroe stuff and Paris stuff and a stool with a really groovy pillow. I also got him a rod and am going to glue place mats on it for a window treatment they are bamboo. It kicks ass. When he gets back I am getting tattooed and going shopping and having some fun. I have gone through hell with these children. LITERALLY my son has been obrtrusive with his mouth and I gave away my daughters toys because she threw her toys on top of the poop in the room I was pissed. It was terrible. I am cleaning it now. I had to take a break because my back was hurting. Bending over to clean is not my thing. I am mopping and scrubbing everything today and moving my husands computer out of his rooom and all his printers (2) and his screens and two printers...I am going to be busy than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest and am enlisting the help of my children because they NEED TO HELP damnit. They have treated me like shit this week. I am tired of it. I yelled at them yesterday and made them cry but I didn't care because they get thier clothes that I was (mind you I washed like 20 loads a couple of weeks ago) I have a REALLY bad back and up until I got on nuerontin I could hardly move I take 4 600mg pills a day some times 5 and that is to keep me from limping ... I could NOT clean I had cleaning ladies.. at 85 a week. they did NOT do their job at all. I was getting taken. I fired ALL of them. especially the nazi one. She was a bitch. Reminded me of Leska and I DID NOT NEED THAT !!!!! anyway I got to do my own stuff and then the kids are throwing the clothes and toys in the floor and I am having my dog buddy poop on them when he caught my daughters stomach virus or got scared from a really bad storm I don't know which.... so I have a room stained with dog poop. It is dried on the carped I had to take hot water and Mr. Clean and totally awesome and pour it on the spots and then am taking a butter knife to scrub it off .. then I have to take the carpet cleaner over it and then the toilet brush.... to get it up... ugh It smells SO incredibly bad in there. I can't imagine how it is going to be when I get it clean. My crazy neighbor Anne came over and asked if my daughter slept in that room and I said NO ! emphatically....I don't dare make her sleep in that room. I could never make her sleep in that room. yuck. Anyway we have spirits in here (i think) unless my friend did something. I have had a peacable time without Philippe and have NOT heard nor seen ANYTHING and my neighbor has been nice to me so I don't know what is up. I am surprised about it too. She didn't yell about anything. Nor fuss about the house which is surprisingly clean. I told her I fired the cleaning ladies and my house is picked up. and my dishes are done for the most part. Just the dishes from last night. I made Hungarian Dumplings. You can get the Hungarian Paprika from World Market it is a specialty store and the recipe is on Cooks. com it is yummy. The only difference in the dumplings is the dumplings are made with eggs and the broth has paprika.. so it is red. It is very tasty. I love it. I have to say I have gone from living like a pig to being organized ... it is nice. I love it. I had a couple of bad weeks but am doing better ... I cleaned the guest bathroom the other day I just need to mop the floor and clean the sink and light fixture. I MUST clean the light fixture in my bathroom it hasn't been cleaned since I moved in. The nazi cleaning lady said she was going to clean it but she never did. I am also going to take a magic eraser to my sons walls in his room and my friends husband and cousing in law are going to hang light fixtures for me that i bought. they are modern. I am not going to have to replace the carpet if I get this poop out which would be nice because the dogs are not housebroken and will go in there again. I KNOW it they have already done it again today the dumbasses. ugh ! I hate that. I don't know why... I have them walk them and they come in the house and they go poop on the carpet in my daughter's room. I am going to lay down those pads and see if that helps if they go in there maybe they will go on those pads. I am listening to the Supremes. I love Diana Ross YAAAY she kicks ass. Her music is about sad stuff but you know it is about love and truthful things that happen in love. I believe that she is right on. I love 60's music. I love Janis and Jimmy too. I love all kinds of music even from the 30's and 40's I was born in the wrong era I think. I don't get into the music now I think music that is soulful is much better. I love adele and the foo fighters too. I know they have meaning. I must be in love to make love. My husband is the only man for me. I think I would be with a woman before I would cheat on my husband. If a woman came onto me I might think about it because I haven't had sex in so long... but that would be the only thing. I don't like men because i was rape and men make me feel threatened ...they are nasty creatures and overbearing and hateful. I hate men. Seriously they think they know better than you do and tend to be self-righteous and condescending. I don't need that. I had a black man come on to me and he is nice looking but he isn't smart and not well spoken I would have not EVER slept with him the way he acted. He was so rude and crass. I finally told him he needed to be a gentleman I didn't want to hear it I wasn't like that. I am a one man woman and even if me and my husband aren't intimate it doesn't matter I don't want a man. I don't like men (I didn't tell him that) but I don't. I would rather be with a girl. I would ! I don't want a man. I could see myself having sex with a woman WAY more than a man and would much rather do that than a man. I just don't want a penis inside of me. sorry for the bluntness. I don't like them. I was RAPED at 6 and I don't need that shit. I don't ...
I am going to talk about something happy now. I am making some curry tonight. I bought something at World Market that is yummy it is sauces and I am taking some of the leftover chicken and making a curry and going to make rice and save the dumplings for when hubby comes home.
I can't wait for my tattoos and shopping going to take my girlfriend to get her lip pierced too. she wants it done. I am going to get my nicoderm patches too to quit smoking I CAN'T WAIT ! I am going to be able to breathe.
well hope all is well with my readers thanks for listening. bye for now
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