I have gotten some new cleaning ladies

There was a time when the regular cleaning ladies couldn't make it and a new crew came in and did a better job and cleaned under stuff and moved stuff and around stuff and lets be honest I am not the neatest person. When Mandy loaded the dishwasher she rinsed the dishes and loaded it so they would get clean and dusted the living room and cleaned behind the sofa and the other girl Elisa cleaned the washroom from top  to bottom and I made sure their boss heard about what a supuerb job they did. I wanted them to come back and the regular cleaning crew got offended and I guess I can't blame them a little but they didn't do it all. I had to clean under my couch the other week something they are supposed to do once every couple of weeks and it was filthy a handful of silverware and pencils and loads of trash. (I have a recliner). I am unhappy with the regulars. So they come back and Amber is giving me crap about it, "tell me what you want me to do differently, over and over...." I just kept telling her to "drop it" I am grieving my dog and in a bad mood and sad and don't want to hear it I am over the situation and just want them to clean the house. They don't do anything in the living room but vacuum and they are to dust the furniture and the fan and they skip all of that , they end up trying to load my dishwasher but half of it is clean and they (said that they didn't do it but I think they did) stick a cup of chocolate milk in my dishwasher and it poured ALL over my clean dishes and I knew this because I am the only one that loads my dishwasher and the plates had dried chocolate milk on them and I use the good kind of cleaner that get EVERYTHING off of the dishes I forget what it is called but it is very resourceful. I know they put it in there to be spiteful. They didn't clean my stove either they did a crappy job and just did enough to get by.

I called Tim their boss livid when I found the glass in my dishwasher pissed as all get out and not sure what I said now embarrassed and had to apologize for whatever I said because I was so angry. I went on a word rampage. I told them I didn't know if he still wanted to do business with me but I didn't want Amber to come back because of all the attitude she gave me about telling him that the othe girls did a better job, after all I had said she had done well to time and time before. I was not one to deny compliments. I was grieving my dog and didn't need her crap. I was not feeling well that day and she wouldn't let it go.

This Tuesday he sent Elisa and Mandy back again they cleaned like pro's and it made my house look like new. I was shocked at the difference. I asked my husband if he thought it was just me or if they did a better job and he said no, that they did do a better more thorough job and it looked great. We actually got our moneys worth. They didn't take a break right after they did a room and worked their butts off to the end. I was extremely impressed. I called Tim and thanked him for sending them back and told him my husband was even pleased. I hope that made a difference. I had gotten a text from Amber saying she never put a glass in the dishwasher with chocolate milk but I don't believer her. She is spiteful, and mean. I made the mistake of becoming her friend while she worked her and let her work buddies come her while she worked and knowing she was having a leiasion with one of them. Like a dummie, I am silly like that wanting to please everyone. Needless to say I have learned my lesson I am keeping the new relationship with the other girls proffesional and going to just keep it business. I care about them but now I know not to make it too friendly.

I am going to a "Night with the Angels " tonight with my son. I am not sure if I will hear from Dusty but I am hoping to . You never know what you will hear about at one of these things .It is not like a tarot reading and I found out that her classes for the school start on June 28 so I am going to enroll in those hopefully if at all possible. I need to get started on my journey into the psychic realm I am not doing well studying on my own. I just don't read my books well on my own doing school and home life takes up most of my time. I am up now at 2:30 this morning because my daughter brought my husbands alarm into the other bedroom and it woke me up and he has to get up at the crack of dawn to go to work for his company. I am doing laundry now to get her a different pair of jeans to wear to school today. I am going to therapy at 9am and  then to a friends house to drop off some luggage and then back home to do school with my son for a little while. I hiked a little in our back yard through the creek area with him and it hurt my back pretty bad yesterday. I am SO incredibly out of shape my shoes were not meant for that walk I wore my shape ups with the velcro and they kept sliding and my feet kept falling into holes. It was NOT a fun experience. I was worried too that we would come across coyotes I have seen them in the back yard. Pretty close to our house. It scared me so I tried to smell for urine but I didn't smell any. I have heard them close to the front porch once when Dusty and I were out there and he  tried to jump off my lap and attack and I  threw him in the house. He scared me to death. He was such a brave and crazy dog.  I apologized to him last night for not saving his life and being there to get his body and I told him that I was so sorry for how he was treated after he died. I mean I just know that lady threw him away, and it is sad. To throw someone's pet that they love in a garbage bag into the trashcan is very heartless. How would she feel, of course her's wouldn't fit.... I would never go and hurt her dogs I am not cruel and heartless like that. I would never hurt anyone's dog. I had a ST. Bernard that almost attacked a little pooch once and I took it to a vet and they knew I have gone through dogs like crazy so the vets were EXTREMELY rude to me... and I just asked them politely if they could see if the dog had a microchip because he ended up on my property and my dog almost at him. They were so hateful and mean and they said "we will call the owner you can leave now" not a thank you or kiss my ass or nothing. I never heard from the owner or anything. There was another dog that got loose an australian shepherd and I kept him for 2 days not knowing who his owner was I brushed all the brambles and stickers out of his hair and Dusty hated him. He always came back to my house when I let him out, I watched over him and he knew I would take care of him. I asked someone in the neighborhood who owned him and found the owner and he paid my son 15 dollars and I went back to see if I could walk him and he would not come to the door.  My neighbors are extremely unfriendly and do not like to be bothered AT ALL. I tried to warn people about the german shepards and no one will listen I told one neighbor and he said his wife knew someone on the HOA (home owners asso.)  so I am hoping they will take note; I put a note in the mailbox thanking him for not shutting the door in my face.  He was very kind to me. It made me hopeful. I don't want anyone to get eaten.
My son has a feeling there is going to be another attack and is paranoid of them seeing our dogs and anytime our two dogs are playing together he freaks out if they are playing rough.  He doesn't want the little one to get hurt, Buddy reminds him of Dusty. He even cries like him.

It was funny I was going to get flowers for my girlfriend the other day and I heard Dusty cry in the washroom like he used to, when I left him home . The puppy doesn't cry for me yet because he isn't that attatched to me but I know it was Dusty's cry he yelped for me because he wanted to come. I had that long talk with him last night and cried, it did me good I don't care if my neighbors think I am crazy for talking to him even if they can't see him I know he is there in spirit. My son has seen him and so have I. I feel him too while I am out there smoking- I just know he is. I can't explain it he is. Anyway my hip is killing me now from going on that hike and I don't know what to do we get paid on Monday so I am going to the Chiropractor and can't wait. It hurts so bad !  I am in need of an adjustment. I am excited about tonight too seeing the psychic and maybe getting a message from the afterlife from Dusty would be cool to see why he is still hangin around. Who knows ? I think he is worried about me and Topher.

I saw flashing orbs in the sky last night like two ships it was pretty cool. Over my house they were in sink flashing on and off standing still. I don't know why but they were NOT planes. No red and yellow lights on them so it was interesting I didn't watch them for long in case they were trying  to hypnotize me lol. That is my theory .... ha ha. I don't trust that kind of stuff. House has been quiet for a while now no ghostly activity except for Dusty. I wonder why ? Maybe they know we are sad ?

We said a prayer for Dusty

It felt good, and it was special. The kids and dad are going to Pizza Inn for lunch and I don't want to go I am going to do some folding and dishes.  I don't want to get out of my pj's yuck. I am going to be a bum today. HA. I am sick of leaving the house and don't want to leave I am not leaving . Bella pooped on my cover,  so I have to take it to the laundromat which sucks sigh. I don't understand it but this is the billionth time that someone (one of the dogs has pooped on the covers and it is getting old.).  I am getting tired of it. I didn't have that problem with Dusty, at all. I made steak for breakfast and it was tasty.... broccolli cheese yummy.

I realize what was wrong about last night hubbie didn't want me playing with a movie on and when I finished myself he got offended but I can't help I have needs and he was  like you spend a lot of time in the bathroom ... but hell? I can't help it he won't please me. What is a girl to do ? huh ? I am at my sexual peak, and it drives me crazy. I can't take it and I don't think it is my medication either. sigh. I would take advice but no one ever seems to post responses on this thing. I mean to not have sex for years it is unnatural isn't it? I hope they leave soon I am hungry and want some 'personal' time and then I will start on housework.

I have a lot to do. I am going to clean the carpets today too. Even tho the dogs are going to wreck them anyway I know they smell. I am going to move stuff and clean ... make it smell better. They need to hurry up and leave so I can start.

A love letter to my dog Dusty....

In rememberance of Dusty I thought it would help me  to write a letter to him to get over some of the pain and remember some of the good  times that we had together. I think that is a positive thing that I can do to help with the pain. so that is what I am going to do. Especially since I didn't get to bury him or say a proper good-bye.

I remember when I first got you and loved on you and held you so tight you melted in my arms. I was so happy to find you, you were so adorable. Then I took you to the vet and found out you had a heart murmur and was worried about you but realized it was just something that we were going to have to deal with. We spent our summer in the front yard teaching you tricks rolling over and playing and giving you your favorite liver  treats and you were so very happy not a care in the world. I haven't ever had a happier puppy. The sky was so bright and you loved it in the front yard that is where I am planting you a butterfly bush and some lantana for you special for you and getting you an angel just special because that is where we hung out all the time. I have seen you on the front porch and heard you whine I know it I miss you too my dear Dusty. I love you so much you mean  the world to me and I can't help but miss you . It is the first time I am not crying about it, what happened to you . I love you and what happened was so tragic and I had to go see my doctor again because of my grief. I spent my therapy session giving my tdoc a reading and it took my mind off my problems which was nice for a change to think of someone else. She said it was good to see me in my element. I appreciated the compliment. She is a good lady and a good therapist and I hope I helped her with the reading she said it was spot on. It's funny how the angels speak. Then I interpet what they say they are good  to me. I feel Dusty is still around lending his prescence too. His help is ever present too for all of us. He was a good dog and my little doggie that was like my other son. That sounds crazy but true . God bless his memory. It is true just like Sir Walter Raliegh said : It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I would have much rather loved and lost Dusty or many other people in my life than to have never experienced the pain of loss at all. It is just better that way. Some things were just meant to be and some things were just not meant to be. As bad as it sucks maybe he commited suicide . Maybe he knew he was dying and didn't want me to see him suffer ? Who knows dogs and cats are known to go off and die when they are sick and he never got that close to those dogs before I think he did it on purpose. I really do the more I think about it. It just wasn't like him to do something that insane.

I was the one that introduced him to Katy in the first place it was my fault but it just happened so I can't blame myself he was a  runner and it was bound to happen . Now we have to dogs that we are paranoid to let outside because of those dogs and my son has a premonition that there will be another attack and I am praying that it isn't a person. I am worried sick. He told me that he was playing hide and go seek with the little boys that live next door to the dogs and kept getting warned by the man that owns the dogs a while ago to watch out for them .... that is scary. He knows how dangerous they are .  And the lady acted surprised that they attacked Dusty . I know she just threw him away . Shame on her for her callousness and lack of understanding for my love for my dog. She was just afraid that her dogs would get in trouble but if she knew the law she would know that I was at fault because my dog went on HER property. duh. I just wanted his body back to bury him that is all. sigh. What can you do that when you are at the mercy of others.

I still think I live in a sucky neighborhood, and if I was laying dead or near dead in  the street that no one would help me or if my kids were getting attacked that anyone would help them. After what happened with Dusty and with the way my son was screaming and knowing my neighbor was home and how she didn't come out of her house to help and just watched out of her windows to see what the dogs did I just don't have a lot of respect for anyone and just want to move to a piece of land where not a soul knows me. With a tractor and some farm animals. I am done for now with people..at least in this neighborhood. They are too snooty for my taste. I just don't get it. It is not even that nice. They are more worried about what your yard looks like than the state of your being .... that is just stupid. When we were suffering as a family they bitched about our garage being messy. And our dog causing a ruckus in the neighborhood when the next door neighbor threw firecrackers at her. What kind of crap is that for a nieghbor? That night I shot a roman candle over my drive way and it flew into his front yard .... I was waiting for the cops to show up. I was so mad because he woke me up that morning at 3 am popping firecrackers at my dog dixie that I had to get rid of. He hated her. Now he has a NO TRESSPASSING sign in his yard it looks like it has a target on it. He is retarded.  He hates me and my kids . I have small dogs and kids so he is ready at any moment to yell "GET OUT of MY FUCKING YARD " when I happen to use his little area to turn around in because our driveway is so long. I don't like to back directly out so I turn around in his little area by a tree and now by his big hairball bushes because I am afraid he is going to slash my tires.. he is a creep. I thought I would have to get rid of her but Phil didn't make me though. I just kept her in the house at night to protect her in case he tried to poison her. Now we have a new garage door and no one can get in. My neighbor across the street even came into my house and put the flowers that I had given her from when she had to get rid of Tucker her dog. You see we have had a rocky relationship and she is an alchoholic ... and she came in my house and saw that it was messy while me and the kids went to Wal-Mart to get groceries and a haircut. I found the flowers and the card that I had given her on the floor in my kitchen and called the cops and they showed up at Anne's house and she said the Fuck word to the cop and got arrested and I got so mad that I wanted to kick Anne's ass I ended up in the hospital and wanted to hurt her which they told her she ended up threatening my life which I have written down in my diary when she did that because I got so freaked out I didn't go to the cops I didn't know it was a crime but we talked after I got home from the hospital . She called DSS on me and I was so upset they dissmissed the charges because they could see the kids were well cared for. She is full of shit and a drunk. VERY SPITEFUL and MEAN ... these are my neighbors... yeah. so self serving. I was giving her flowers to tell her I was sorry that she had to get rid of her dog and she comes in my house and calls DSS on me. What kind of shit is that ? She is a whack job. The police saw that yes our house was lived in but that the kids had clothes washed and dishes to eat out of and food in the fridge and that we loved them and he didn't give us a hard time ... the next cop to come told Anne I was crazy and went on and on and called DSS And the case was dismissed again I hate DSS but the last lady was the nicest of them all. Anne the drunk was on medical leave in the spring and was constantly watching our house and what we were doing and would sit on her porch. Had it not been for Dusty I would have gone insane .... he was such a support through all of that . I loved him she would sit out there and watch us and we would just sit out there and play and enjoy Dusty and ignore her while she drank her beer and have fun.  She was ill and we were happy she tried her best to make us miserable but Dusty kept us GROUNDED. I am grateful for that .He was our rock. God used Dusty in a mighty way. Thank you God. It was a rough time.  It was a rough time for all of us and it hurt to be inspected like rejects and my son was having a hard time in the 4th grade and his teachers were giving him hell and his attitude sucked and he had an african american teacher that had it in for him bad. I took him out of that class he wasn't the only one either she was not a nice lady I think it was reverse racism and it hurt. She had her doctorate and it was impressive and I liked her and helped her with supplies and snacks but it didn't matter she just never liked him. He struggled because I kept ending up in the hospital and his meds were not working. Next year we are trying the Charter School and I am enrolling my daughter in dance and home schooling her in 3rd grade material working maybe on level 2 of english not sure I took all her books back and got more for my son some phonics stuff to help him with his spelling. I am amazed at how his reading has improved so MUCH .... he is doing so well like it has tremendously improved because he used to stumble when he read and have a hard time reading out loud and now he smoothly reads his material . He was reading his Social Studies and just did it with ease and I was so impressed. I am so pleased at his progress I am looking forward to him learning more this year and at his reading comprehension. He is doing so well. He is such a hard worker and he is so intelligent when it comes to math. He is so amazing and nothing puzzles him once he grasps a concept nothing stops him. It is amazing.


I went on a date last night with my husband and was hoping for sex but was disappointed bummed out. I don't seem to have that connection with him anymore. I don't know if it is my weight or my sexuality or if it is him. He said he caught a "cold" in the restaraunt and couldn't because his back hurt and he didn't feel good. He ate too much and kept eating like a pig and didn't want too and wasn't interested in me and it really hurt my feelings never in my life have I felt so unattractive or un womanly if there is such a word. It makes me feel like "what the hell is wrong with me" if he can look at women on the internet then why can't he pay attention to me once and awhile ?  He has amazing hands and wouldn't even display any affection to me last night after dinner and it hurt like hell. I don't care if I have gained weight or if he has too I think he is beautiful. You can see his picture on my profile he hasn't changed much his belly is a bit bigger ... that is all. I don't get it. I don't know what is going on . The only sex I have is with myself and it is getting old . One day someone is going to find me attractive and I don't know what is going to happen then . Someone will find me interesting and want to talk to me like he doesn't and find me amazing and treat me the way he doesn't and then I won't be able to stop myself . It will happen again and it will ruin my marriage. He doesn't love me the way he used to he loves me in a deep respectful way but I want that love that makes it fun and non-married and nasty kind. You know? The love you had when you met the one t hat made it fun and then it changes with kids and they ruin everything when they start by sleeping in your room and don't give you any space and argue all the time and hurt people's feelings . I don't understand how kids can change things so much . I adore my children but boy have they changed my life. I wouldn't change it but it has hurt my marriage a lot. I wish they would get out of my room and start sleeping in their own. But they won't and it sucks.... I miss Dusty too. He was a great Dog and helped us thru a very traumatic time I realized that today praise God for that. The whole DSS fiasco he was our rock through that sitting outside and feeding him liver treats and having him do tricks and play ball and play with his little sqeaky pig. It was a special time even though Anne tried to ruin it she couldn't. HA.
I am thankful to be writing this . It helps me to get out my feelings and over the crap that I have NO control over. I want to work out but my back hurts all  the time I don't like it and I want to join the gym to get away from my kids they drive me crazy especially right now my daughters mouth is so loud...

Oh I am so aggravated and it is hard for me not to curse. Susan bought this book a bible study called taming your tongue I have lost it somewhere in the house I know it is here somewhere ... I take topomax and cleaned the living room so well I put it up somewhere safe so I would not loose it and poof it is gone . I dunno what I did with it. I am so forgetful and Susan never has understood that but Topomax is bad about making you forget stuff, I just told Susan not be my friend she wasn't very patient with me she accused me of treating her like a doormat and talked bad about me to her mom. I told her I wish I could have been a fly on the wall. She said I had mad cow disease because I repeat things so if I am repeat things sorry ....I can't help it I  don't remember what I write. Half the time I don't remember what I do. I don't think my husband loves me I think he tolerates me and feels sorry for me and that is why we are still married so long he knows I have bi-polar and borderline and that means that I am a basket case for now and helpless or so he thinks I have the kids dependent and him dependent on me and so I can't finish my degree I want to become a therapist and it is impossible right now for me to go to school right now. I want to go SO BAD.  I could do it. I could finisht my psychology degree... I know it.

He takes good care of me and I can't complain but rarely hugs or kisses me and it hurts but his love is the computer his computer his women on the computer or games or work that is his first and foremost love. I am tired of it but there is not a mother fucking thing I can do . I have begged and pleaded and cried and threatened and done everything I can to stop him to get him to change. It hurts. I have even found a live web site but he doesn't care ..... it so doesn't matter. His father exposed him to that shit when he was a kid and I hate his dad. What a bastard ! Pa is a loser and useless and Charlotte was the only one that mattered to my husband and he lost her 17 years ago and she was a good woman and he would not let her get the medical care that she needed. The last time I was in the hospital and had tried to kill myself my husband called Belguim to talk to his father for support and was crying to his father his dad hung up on him the bastard. I have NO respect for him ... what is this world coming to.

I did it the last time and final time because someone called I think it was a collector and I was  VERY deppressed extremely depressed and I had a crappy psychiatrist he didn't care Galvarino was his name. He  didn't care-I kept going and going to him and trying this and that, finally laying on the bed had been going to DBT which I hated had to keep a log of how I was feeling everyday which sucked ass and how I was coping with it what skills I was using . I was supposed  to be doing school with my daughter because I had taken her out of school.  Anyway I was laying in bed and this collection agency called and this mean ass told me " Why don't you grow up and pay your bills " that is something my ex-husband would have said to me so I took every bit of my medicine ... I am not telling you what it was but the phone rang again and I fell out of bed ... my house was a mess there were 2 beds in my room the twin bed from my daughter and my bed, good and plenty candy all over the floor so it looked like pills and clothes all over the living room and dishes in my sink my house was a wreck this was the very first time DSS ever came to my house. The sherriff took picture and my daughter came and got dad and told him I hit my head on the window and passed out and wouldn't answer her. He freaked I was in Cardiac Care  the CCCU for 5 days and the ICU for 7 I almost did it this last time ... I remember going down the hall on the guerney and seeing faint people like ghosts and they were saying " I have seen her here before, "she is crazy ? " is she going to make it" it was terrible... I was so scared I could see through them and they were really there I know they were spirits of people that had passed before.

I hurt my husband so badly and scared him so bad after that I ended up in the Carolina Center committed for hurting myself and so upset and disheartened and lost I didn't know what to do. I hate when I get like that. My pristiq seems to be working right now a lot better and I don't need to go but on Thursday I needed to go somewhere and the Hospital told me I needed $5000 to come in which I didn't have I wasn't about to go to the e.r. and be locked up in the dungeon for sure. There is this one hospital here that locks you up its basement and puts you in scrubs and escorts you by the police even if you are just depressed they treat you like a criminal it is ridiculous.

Dusty was an integral part in our healing last  year and I was so happy about it. He healed our hearts he was our angel. I am grateful for that I don't know if he knew the joy that he brung into our home but he did and he was funny as shit too. He would growl if you tried to pick him up sometimes and he was comfy in my lap or by me or in the covers he loved to snuggle for sure he was a lover. I loved him. I am going to gather everyone together in a moment and say a prayer in memory of him in the front yard because that is what I need to do . He brought me so much incredible joy. I miss him and it is time to bring to closure to the wound now finally to end it once and for all. I will always love him now and forever. A prayer for him will do it.

I went to my shrink today

I went and he bumped up my pristiq to 100 mg so hopefully it will help. I cried all the way there and in the doctors office. I went to a couple of neighbors houses trying to get someone to listen to me today about what happened to Dusty . I am worried that someone will get attacked by those dogs. It has been on my conscience since it happened because the owner doesn't even believe me. I KNOW she threw him away in a black trash bag I can see her doing it. I have that ability. I can see it. It makes me ill. I am so sad and broken.

At the third house a man came to the door and answered it and told me his wife used  to be involved in the Home Owner's Asso. so his wife is going to contact someone.

My ex-bff talked behind my back to her mom a bunch of crap and then told me she was tired of being a door mat and I don't treat people like door mat's so she can go fuck herself. I am a good person and treat people with respect I am grieving right now and haven't been able to live up to ANYONE's expectations not even my own. I am so messed up right now. I have had a hard time doing school and dishes and laundry and hopefully the change in the meds will perk me up pristiq helped me when I first started it.

I emailed my-ex bff and just told her I would have loved to be a fly one the wall when she was talking about me to see what she really thought about me. It hurt like hell she told me she did it. Said she was sorry then called me 'sis' ugh. barf. like I am supposed to accept  that shit. WRONG ANSWER. I am tired of the monthly abuse when she gets her period the cursing and name calling the yelling the impatience the rudeness and I take topomax and am extremely forgetful and she doesn't understand plus she has made comments about wanting to sleep with my husband TOTALLY inappropriate. Needless to say my husband doesn't find her the least bit intersting. He isn't attracted to her AT ALL I can tell I think he is repulsed by her. He doesn't want to talk about her when I bring her up he gets mad. Anyway I told him how dedicated I was to him today and how much I loved him and how much he means to me and he is a good man. I brought up the fact that I thought my ex bff slept with my ex husband and how she wanted to with him and he was like I am not even interested and Why are you talking about this ? don't even go there. He doesn't like her. I am glad. He only has eyes for me thankfully. He adores only me.

That kind of dedication is hard to find in a man and I am grateful. I took my other pristiq maybe it will help I am going to lay down after I take a bath. I feel crappy but I took the little puppy on a leash on the front porch and listened to Foo Fighters (nothing depressing)  and petted him. He just sat in my lap. We used Dusty's blue blanket and snuggled and he just sat there. It was great. I really think he is a special dog.

I am going to the next HOA meeting to see about doing away with invisible fences . They are only as reliable as their batteries which are only as reliable as thier owners. I don't trust them. I want to move out of this useless neighborhood God please let someone offer to buy our house for a LOT of money. That is my prayer.

I feel like I am dying inside

I got a new puppy but it's not the same. He is cute. I miss my Dusty. I am going to see my shrink tomorrow for a possible med change. I feel like total and complete shit. I hate my life and feel like I want to die. I hate everyone and everything and am so fucking depressed that nothing matters and  I am having problems with everyday tasks.  At this rate I will end up putting my son back in school if things don't start picking up. I am not doing well at all.
I don't want to go into the hospital but I will if it is unsafe. I just am going to see the doctor for now. Hopefully things can be corrected like that. I knocked on some neighbors houses because  they are in the Homeowners Association and they NEVER FUCKING CAME TO THE GOD  DAMN DOOR no one in my neighborhood gives a shit about anybody and NO ONE BELIEVES ME about Dusty. I am sick of this neighborhood and want to move ! They fucking suck ass. They are a bunch of snooty ass mother fuckers that are just too good for anybody and if you were laying dead in the street they would not come to your aid. The cops wouldn't do anything the sheriff wouldn't do anything the HOA won't answer the door and the lady who owns the dogs nor my neighbor believe me. I am Fucked ! I give up. I guess  someone is going to have to get attacked by the dogs and then someone will believe me. They after all are only on electric fence and that is ONLY good if the owner changes the battery. Those mongrel dogs are vicious and hateful and mean and malevolent and I will NEVER go near that cul-de-sac again. Nor will my kids.  I am sick with grief. My heart aches and I feel like a piece of me is missing all I could do today was cry that is all I did. I went to my friends house and what did I do there ? Cry.
I am going to the doctor tomorrow and getting help I am tired of crying nothing is going to bring Dusty back I am going to take a HOT bath and soak forever. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired no one cares . NO one, NO one believes me. It hurts and there isn't anything I can do about it. I just want to move . or die.

I remember the time I held him so close

It was when I first got the news his heart murmur was worse and that night I grabbed him so tightly in bed that night and with my cpap mask on I told him "Dusty I love you SO MUCH" .  I do even now.

I got a dog yesterday from someone that needed a home for her, she was going into the highway and her owner said she almost got hit by an 18 wheeler.  She is sweet, no Dusty but sweet. I like her a lot and she comforts me a lot. I just played Dusty his song outside when I was smoking, I feel like when I am out there I can feel his spirit with me. It is funny, I heard him cry yesterday when I came out I heard him cry I really did but I believe in the supernatural. Most people don't even believe dogs have souls but they do or they wouldn't have personalties. That is what I think!

Anyway Bella is a chihuahua and Daschuand mix and cute as a button. She looks older than they said and looks like she has had puppies too. I think she is going to make a good family dog.  She is potty trained and hasn't gone in the house yet and I am very pleased about that. She loves rawhides and I have plenty of those leftover from when I went shopping from Dusty. God I miss him but I am doing well processing my grief in spite of the pain which is deep.

I am going to be fine Dusty isn't suffering anymore which is the important thing and that is a blessing and even though it is selfish for me to wish he were here I would be jamming pills down his throat because he had to have them for his heart. He HATED that. Oh how he hated taking his meds, he loved his liver treats after but the meds he hated, they must have tasted terrible.  God bless Dusty and may his soul rest in peace. We all miss him. 

I feel dead today

Dusty is dead. He oddly enough didn't die from his heart murmur but the angels didn't lie to me in the tarot cards they said that he would pass. My visions were spot on too I saw a dog attack, I thought it was a coyote but it was in actuality the German Shepperd's down the street.

I was sitting on the front porch with Dusty my baby in my lap. He was happy and had just kissed my all over my nose and face and mouth I loved that . His kisses were like fresh rain to me full of joy and wonder. He was so innocent and happy. So goddamn happy never would hurt a fly. He got down and edged toward the steps of the front porch and took off. I yelled for my son to go after him and he did and Dusty went to my neighbors house where Dusty's girlfriend Katy lives. The financed dog...dumb asses for paying that much for such a dog. Anyway my son puts him down in the street and he looks at me when my son "go to mama" and then looks at the German Shepperd's who are barking at him.... he looks again once more at me and tears off toward the other dogs and bam I hear my son screaming and the dog yelping and crying and run to their aid. I had never though of all the times that Dusty had been doing shit that he would venture into their yard but my son said he was "just trying to be their friend mama" "I am so sorry" I told my son it wasn't his fault. My husband said Dusty was shaking the whole bed earlier that morning and my husband is a big heavyset man. He can hold the bed down and so I know that this was allowed to happen so that I didn't have to put Dusty to sleep or watch him suffer with his heart murmur.

I screamed for him. I heard him cry he was in the garage, the big dog looming over him... sniffing him and poking him with his nose. I heard him cry for me and there was not a goddamn thing I could do. I wanted to run over and rip them apart for killing my dog and get his body but I knew I would be arrested so I am going to stand by the verse of the Lords that says "vengeance is mine". I don't have to worry about doing anything to them God will deal with that lady that owns them. They should be put down after what they did to Dusty. I called the police and sheriffs office and they said it was a matter for animal control but since Dusty went on their property their is nothing to do. I can't do anything and I am terrified of big dogs and would not hurt them anyway I am not like that I will let the Lord handle it. I know he will maybe they will die from some disease or something . Something where they will suffer a slow painful death they are pure evil. I just pray some kid doesn't wander into their yard they would eat them alive. They really would. I will not let my kids play near the cul-de-sac anymore for sure. Those dogs are only on an invisible fence and you never know if your batteries are still good and I have seen the super violent one get out. She picked Dusty up in her mouth like a rag doll. Goddamn her. May she rot. Again I am not touching those dogs God will handle it.

I am hurting so fucking bad. I heard Dusty's collar last night in the house and my son felt him too. He is here with us he hasn't left yet . My daughter stepped on a toy last night and I lost it I absolutely lost it. Bawling and squalling. I don't know what to do. A part of me has died.


Foo Fighters:  Home
I think of Dusty when I hear this song...

Wish I were with you but I couldn't stay
Every direction leads me away

Pray for tomorrow but for today
all I want is to be home

Stand in the mirror you look the same
just lookin for shelter cold and the pain

someone to cover safe from the rain
and all I want is to be home

echos and silence patience and grace
all of the moments I'll never replace

fear of my heart absence of faith
all I want is to be home

all i want is to be home

People I've loved I have no regret
some I remember some I forget
some of them living some of them dead
and all I want is to be home

Plain White T's Rhythm Of Love ( for Dusty)
My head is stuck in the clouds
She begs me to come down
Says "Boy quit foolin' around"
I told her "I love the view from up here
The warm sun and wind in my ear
We'll watch the world from above
As it turns to the rhythm of love"
We may only have tonight
But till the morning sun you're mine all mine
Play the Music low and sway to the rhythm of love
My heart beats like a drum
A guitar string to the strum
A beautiful song to be sung
She's got blue eyes deep like the sea
That roll back when she's laughing at me
She rises up like the tide
The moment her lips meet mine
We may only have tonight
But till the morning sun you're mine all mine
Play the Music low and sway to the rhythm of love
When the moon is low
We can dance in slow motion
And all your tears will subside
All your tears will dry
And long after I've gone
You'll still be humming along
And I will keep you in my mind
The way you make love so fine
We may only have tonight
But till the morning sun you're mine all mine
Play the music low and sway to the rhythm of love

I have no body to bury him, I don't know if the dogs ate him or buried him I have only the music we listened to in the car and on the front porch. I have only his toys and his blankets and his pictures and his memories and the sweet memories of his nose kisses. I loved that dog. God bless his memory he was my baby.  You know I am so blessed my son didn't try to save him he could have gotten mauled ! He was so brave and tough and it fucked him up so bad to see it. I know it is going to take something to get over. By Gods grace we will . I know it. I don't know how but we are fighters. I just feel so fucking empty. I am going outside to smoke and listen to "home" now. It comforts me. He hopefully isn't suffering ANYMORE. He was so tough a tough little dog. Right to the end of his life.

I can't remember what I wrote about last but here is my entry for today

Well yesterday a couple of new cleaning ladies came over and did a better job and I wasn't hesitant to tell the supervisor that I wanted them to come instead. It made the other girl mad and hurt her feelings because we have become sort of friends and I sort of help her when she comes over but I do that because my family is so messy. My family is a messy one and I feel guilty that I have cleeaning ladies and am staying home while they are here cleaning. I can't help it, I know I have a bad back and can't do it all but still it is like hard for me to let them do it all by themselves when the usual girls are here because I feel guilty. I don't like making anyone feeling like a servant to me. I am not like that and don't treat them that way.

The new cleaning ladies Elisa and Mandy cleaned so amazingly they got under stuff, behind things around stuff and just out did themselves and even tried to sweep my porch. I gave them 5 stars on google I was so impressed ! I pissed the other girl off she asked how long they were there as if they were there too long or if it took them longer or they stayed over their time or something you know ? I was amazed at her jealousy. I can't help it she asked for the truth. I had let her have one of her friends over once and she I think made out with this girl in my daughters room.... I had just cleaned the carpet in there I mean it vacuumed and cleaned the carpet with the other girl and she and the lesbian girl were in there with the door closed once when they were goofing off and I got so upset and asked my husband to get them back on task because I am more of their friend type person which never should have happened. She got so upset and was like " Why didn't you just ask me ?" and was all paranoid. I think she might tell her boss I don't like him I dunno. He is a jerk to me the way he treats the girls but if he does that I am going to let loose on what has been going on over here with them.

I dunno I can always find another cleaning service I guess, I just hope I didn't start trouble for the girls that came over yesterday.  Amber has really good friends in the service and she might make a stink over losing my house. She does what she has  to here and nothing more she never cleans behind the sofa and never moved my laundry basket in the hallway and if Mandy would have done it she would have fussed over the time spent Mandy was like "what you need done we will do hun" and that was her attitude. It was one of service and I was so pleased. I was so impressed it wasn't about her it was about what I needed. I was grateful.

I dunno what is going to come out of this but I hope it is not a big stink. I never meant to hurt anyone at all. I just know that the other girls did better, and I said I  wanted them to come and it made the supervisor floored like what the hell?  He I think doesn't like me changing my mind but they actually did an awesome job and I told him so. I told Amber too and it hurt her and I have had to go through that myself other people do better than me but she wanted to know. I didn't want to lie to her and have Tim tell her what I said behind my back. He is SO like that.  I didn't want him to make it sound like she did a crappy job, you know what I mean.

After getting only 2  1/2 hours of sleep and having stayed up until midnight doing laundry the night before I had done a lot of work on the house myself and it the dishes were done (for a change).  I can't ever keep up with stuff around here with school and stuff.  I have been doing better though. I have been busy busy busy. I didn't sleep at all yesterday but last night like a baby. It was great. I am going to the chiropractor today though because I slipped and fell in the kitchen when I slipped from dropping a gallon of milk on the floor and busted my butt. It hurt !

I have a busy day ahead laundry and and dishes and making dinner ...I don't think I am taking my son to OT because I can't get them to call me back about the cost  of the therapy so not sure how I can afford it being my deductible is 1700 per person per year and it just started over. I had to pay 255 at my son regular therapists office for some missed appointments and for his visit on Monday. We didn't do school yesterday, because my son didn't sleep so he is out cold now resting well. I hope he gets some good rest and has a good day with school he has been kinda grumpy lately. 

Well my sister has met the man of her dreams I think and I am so happy. It is so cool he took her all over and she had a ball she even got to go skiing. I saw pictures of her on FB and she was glowing and he is so handsome. I wish I could talk to her, she is amazing, so smart going to school for her NP degree and just a bright light of brilliance to the earth before her. An amazing soul to all that see her. I love her so. I got her a purse for Christmas and her boyfriend a cute t-shirt to wear and also got her a kenneth cole wallet . The purse was a Guess and she thought it was a Coach lol. That is funny I could not have afforded a Coach. Not now maybe a couple of years ago. I would waste my money on one now. It is too expensive.

Anyway I think I am going to go for now. Hope your New Years has been good so far.

nMy son gave a witness at Church yesterday it was special

He called me at 12 midnight in tears making me cry, because he was telling me how much he loved me. He said that he told the gang at the church that God had been working in our lives. He also told the guys at church that I had Bi-Polar which I am not cool with. I don't like that one bit but can't help it now. Now I could be faced with judgement. I spoke with the youth pastor and he told me how much they loved my son and how special he was to them and what a great kid he was. I was just crying when I got off the phone. I couldn't help it I just was so moved and felt so overwhelmed with emotions that I could not help it. He is becoming so mature and grown up. I am so proud even if he did blow my cover lol. I didn't want people to know at all but what can you do ?

I dunno it's rough trying to keep it a secret from people at church because, well people with Bi-Polar do crazy shit like shoot up schools and kill people right ? No I home school my son and take care of my little family and love them I just know what they show on the news. All the crazy people with Bi-Polar which is unfair for crying out loud ! I don't like it one bit. I don't understand it at all they never show normal people that have it, rather that function people with normally.  I can understand showing people that have it being posted on the news doing crazy stuff but they never show people being healthy with it . Functioning normally and raising a family and growing old with their spouses.  I think it's stupid the way society treats us like crazed lunatics waiting to go crazy and do something dsyfunctional at any minute. It is ridiculous. I wish things would change but I know they won't.

I hope one day to set new standards for people with Bi-Polar as I do better, I wish to see a home for people one day that can set free those depressed and down trodden and maybe a farm for the homeless. My friend and I were talking about it having a piece of land and using it for the homeless and letting them work it and live there .  It would be a beautiful thing for everyone, to have everyone working the farm and living in harmony.  I am not sure it would happen or will happen but if it does we are going to name it after our mothers Marilyn (hers)and Renate' (mine) Harvest House or something of the sort. My dog is on my chest now and kissing me, he loves me so! I really appreciate it.

I am sorta kinda watching Inception which is pretty good. I am not much of a t.v. person though I am a reader and outside person and it is really foggy today.  I wish it was sunny but it's not. I have housework to do but would rather sit on my butt and do nothing I will probably do some cleaning in a little while and make some meatballs.

I have had a peaceful morning other that getting a little bothered because my son told them about my Bi-Polar.... but oh hell what can I do I can't change what I am right ? I am just me and I take my meds. I go to my shrink and my therapist and so I do everything to stay healthy.

Thats all that I can do every day of my life.