Well... Happy New Year Everyone !

So as this 2010 ends and 2011 begins I am not sure what to expect .  I have just had a lot of shrimp with cocktail sauce and some fancy cheeses which were superb and I am now stuffed. I haven't had anything alcoholic to drink, for fear of getting sleepy.. but its too late I am pooped. I did a little housework and had to go to Sam's  Warehouse and buy groceries which I hated because it was packed out.  I luckily took an extra nerve pill so it helped.  I am going to attempt to stay awake.. good luck with that I will try though because my son, is going to a party at church and will be there until 1am.

I am so worried that my husband has to go out in traffic tonight to get him with all the drunks out there so Jesus please keep them safe. Keep all those families safe ! I bought my daughter some nail polish today to paint her nails and she painted them so pretty.

I am not sure what else to talk about. I am so tired and brainless right now absolutely brainless. I just wrote Happy New Year  and 2011 on my sons face with Merle Norman's lip pencil. I also wrote AWESOME on his forehead. I feel challenged right now to concentrate. Go to go. Brain is blurry and can't think straight too tired and talking on the phone with best friend. Can't do too much at once lol.

I feel like crap today

I went to my shrink and had a good visit but just feeling down I guess I don't know.  It is after the holidays and I am just tired. My heart is physically hurting and I don't know why it is worrying me though. I should quit smoking really I wish I could but I have the bad habit and don't know how to. I need to be back on my cholesterol meds but have run out and didn't want to go to the doctor because the wife is such a bitch in the office I hate her. She runs the office I don't see how he is married to her, he is a really nice Indian doctor and she is a whore. She is all snooty and hateful and treats his patients like shit I have seen her do it not just me either. I can't stand the bitch. I probably am going to loose it with her one day and tell her ass off. See you can tell I don't feel good ... I am cussing and irritable. I have to make dinner too all I want to do is take a shower and lay down. I am tired. I don't want to cook today. I don't want to do anything, I went to a friends house and this mood just came over me like a dark cloud. I feel sad or something I don't know what ..I just feel dark. I could go to sleep but it is in the afternoon and I wouldn't sleep tonight. My daughter is going back to school next week and the doctor upped her Vyvanse maybe she will loose weight. She ate 6 helpings of lasanga the other day. I can't believe how much she likes italian food. I am going to have to become the food nazi he said. I don't want to become irrational with her but she eats too much and is getting fat. He also said it can make her start purberty early. I don't want that !  I worry as it is for her ..

I am taking the crap out of the cabinets starting new grocery shopping time and it is going out if its not healthy.I am tired of this family eating crap. I am buying whole wheat pasta and using apple sauce instead of butter when I bake cakes and stuff. I am not feeding them crap anymore they can hate me if they want to but they will get over it. No one in my family is having a heart attack !  Damnit. I am done with the sugar and sweets fed up my kids get so hyper from it they drive me crazy. I have to go cook now and do dishes so that sucks ass got to go. I hate today really I do.
bye for now.

I just had a nice surprise

I just got a nice surprise ! I just got friended on fb by Deena's step son. That was a HUGE surprise ! I am shocked. He (I thought) never liked me. I always thought he hated me. I could be wrong, we were so misunderstood by her. I dunno it is an incredible gesture and I feel very special right now. I do not like her but I am willing to try to be friends with him for sure !

After braving the cold today (I can't feel my toes because I have been outside smoking), I am going  to make hot cocoa from scratch.  I have printed a recipe from Cooks.com (its the BEST website out there for recipes....) I am going to make the biggest mug for my kids we had the best time today playing in the snow. I have had a great weekend !  I think that I overlook a lot of the good sometimes and need to stop doing that. My son prayed for my back to stop hurting and it did I think he definately has a gift and it really feels better. I am so glad for that. It was killing me I could hardly move today and I tried everything, Icy Hot and medicine and a hot pack. When he prayed the pain went away. Thank you Jesus ! 

I am going to clean like a tornado tomorrow and put away stuff and get the house straightened up for sure I can't take the mess that has happened over the  holidays.  I have the cleaning ladies coming too on Tuesday and need things to be picked up so they can get around and do their cleaning without being bothered. The kids will be home so I don't want them to be in the way. They got a lot of great toys to play with so maybe they won't be in the way of the ladies but they don't mind the kids . They love them a lot and are always very sweet to them, and my kids are good too. I just don't like it when they are arguing with each other. Hopefully they will be busy playing.

Today my son and I finished reading "Old Yellar" and it was a real tear jerker. I cried it got to my gut. I was so sad that the dog had to be shot.  He got hydrophobia (rabies) from a wolf that was trying to attack Travis' mom and Lisbeth. They went down and had burnt the body of their cow that had hydrophobia to keep other animals from getting it.  At the end of the book though it is great ! I am not going to tell you how it ends. It is happy though. I was laughing and crying at the same time. I know now why it won so many awards. I love to read and I sure hope my son picks it up. He really needs to, the love of reading is the key to learning. He is excellent at math. Boy is he a whiz at math he can do ANYTHING when it comes to math ! He is amazing ..

My daughter is an artist tried and true, she loves to draw and create things. She is always making things of some sort and coloring them or painting and drawing she is amazing a real natural. Her eyes are blue like the sky and so beautiful. I love her smile, she is so precious to me. She is my little angel. They both are. I can not believe I have such great kids, even when they are naughty they are still sweet and only mean to do good. Does that make sense?  I really don't think kids intentionally act out of ill will sometimes they get out of sorts and loose it. I guess it because they can't tell us what they really think for fear they will get into trouble. Kids are scared of grown ups I know I was. I think mine talk to me pretty easily compared to others and tell me when I am making them uncomfortable or if they want me to drop something. I am glad for that. Even my eight year old can do that and she knows I won't get mad. I am doing better TONS better about my attitude.

Well hope you all had a Merry Christmas and see you soon !

Its a White Christmas

Yay its a white Christmas, It snowed last night and it is all over the place ... the kids are playing in it. I wish I was young and fit because I could get around and hang out with them and go sliding I did it once today and it was GREAT ! My son pushed me down the hill on a moving box and it was too fun just once the snow was really thick. I only did it once I didn't want to hurt his back I am kinda big to be pushed by a kid. I am no light weight .

 I love today it is beautiful outside and I feel loved very loved. My husband got me stuff to make sausages although I was NOT expecting anything remotely like that.  I dunno it was a surprise but we will have a ball making it... Me and my hubbie wrecking the kitchen  I have already come up with some ideas. Elephant garlic , green peppercorns, green granny smith apples, pork roast, salt,  I will think of some things to go into it too. I know that would make a good sausage.  I didn't know what it was when I got it, it felt like panty hose when it was wrapped up. I got a new mixing bowl for my mixer too I was so proud.

I dunno,  it was fun we opened Christmas on Christmas Eve and the kids played I don't know when I can use my sausage grinder I can't find the grinder parts. I will have to get a new grinder for my mixer. I love my little family, they are wonderful.  I am so greatful to God for them I am thankful for my husband and kids and my best friends Kenneth, and Susan. I would not be the same person without them. They are my family these people I count as my family. I have no biological family from birth and that is fine :). God has given me something much better a Heavenly Family.

I want my going out and coming in to be joyous throught my life has been so full of trials and I want to go out in peace full of joy,  like a phoenix rising from the ashes.  I feel like I am going to die. Why is that ? I want Balloons at my funeral and happy music to be played and a cake and  maybe my friend says I am not dying that I am just going through a transformation of some sort. Maybe Dusty is a part of it. I wonder ?

Well the turkey is in the oven

I have popped firecrackers with my son lol and watched him and my daughter ride their new scooters for today and now it is snowing. It is coming down hard and fast. I have cooked a lot today and am going to have a bath before dinner. I only have to make bisquits for dinner which will be nice I can't wait it is going to be a feast !  We are a happy little family even if it is just us. I just have to accept it. That is all, no matter what you know ?  I am just going to have to do it and suck it up. Not fitting in, but that is o.k. and I will survive. I have survived other things much worse and not being a part of that family is not a big deal to me or rather it doesn't have to be. I don't know why I got so worked up. I am very blessed to have a husband and two kids that love me so, I could be all alone without anyone like I used to be when I lived with them. That was way worse trying to fit into a family that didn't want me in the first place.

Those days are over and now I am here in another state another time and mentally better so I need to remain thankful and forget about things that are out of my control. I have had a nice time today and loved on Dusty and played with him and let him run around outside which he really enjoyed (he ran away) to my neighbors house .. and got too cold . He loves it outside though even in a sweater he freezes he just shivers so much, because he hardly has any fur.  I did a reading about his life and it didn't look good, it said the spiritual is more important than the physical. I am guessing that means sometimes you must just have to let go. You have to, I don't know really if he has to move on into the next realm then I guess I have to be o.k. with that. I don't want to loose him and it will hurt like hell but I will have to accept it and it hasn't happened yet so I will just love him until whatever happens.

I was supposed to bake a cake for the guys at the gas station I get my gas at but it is snowing and I had to use the oven for my turkey first. It was 16lbs and would have NEVER cooked if I didn't put it in this morning when I got up. I cook it low so it takes a long time. I finally turned it up though to cook it faster and brown it now the house smells yummy. I made macaroni and sweet potato casserole and making green beans and maybe I will make mashed potatos I dunno I am tired of making stuff I just think I'll make bisquits! I guess I will go for now. Thanks for reading my posts guys and gals, it really encouraging, more than you know.

I want to be a part of something....anything

I can't get over it. I called like a dumbass my family in Texas again after talking to my sister and was on the phone with my I don't know what you want to call it "foster mom" who is about ten years older than me. She was very abrubt with me and made it clear she did not want to talk to me or spend time on the phone with me chatting about anything. She was like " you sound down and I hope you have a better day" I miss them for crying out loud ! I can't help it I wish I could see them, is that a crime ? I don't get it, it is like they don't give a flying fuck about me and you know what I need to just give up. I must just give up. I must resign myself to understand that they will never want me to be a part of their lives. I have to- I think that my "foster mom's comments were uncalled for and cold blooded and quite mean. I only want to be a part of something and spend a little time with them a little moment of their time feeling a part of something bigger than myself. I can't be there. I can't afford to go there with my family and so I get punished by being isolated out of not being talked to on the phone that is inconsiderate. It is mean. I don't get it. I don't ever want to talk to them again. I am so hurt and feel like what she said was so inconsiderate I would not go to her house even if she paid me. She could have taken 10 minutes and talked to me. She doesn't want a relationship with me, she doesn't have the balls to tell me. It hurts like hell. I don't care how hard I try to make things happen she is not interested in being a part of my life and my kids life. It has always been so. I must just suck it up. I must just like my good friend Kenneth has said ! Give it up don't bother and leave them alone they are worthless pieces of shit all except my sister she cares about me ... she talked to me today. She was willing to take some time to spend with me. She loves me she included me on Facebook as her sister. She loves me as her own she remembers that I help raise her that I watched her when she was little and took her to the library and spent time with her. I am done with them. I can not fit in with the Powell family and nor do I want to they all can go fuck off. I have to understand that that is the way they want it and that is fine . end of story. I am stupid for even trying. Deena is a bitch.

I am so incredibly sad today

I can't quit thinking about what if I loose my dog Dusty I don't want to. I love him to much... He is so precious to me and I adore him so. I took him shopping yesterday and that kind of cheered me up but not really. I loved on him a lot too. I dunno I gave him some of my ravioli last night he liked that. He likes cheese really well. He enjoyed it. If he isn't going to be on this earth long then I want him to be happy. He doesn't like dog food and only eats it out of necessity. I want him to be healthy but have to give him his pills in wieners because he won't swallow them otherwise. He takes them right away which is good and seems to have stopped coughing.

This is a trial I was not ready for. I think I could have handled the breast lump gung ho but not my dog having heart problems, its all I can think about. I am so incredibly sad and I listen to music I think about life without him and all the loneliness I would feel and how miserable I would be. I was bawling earlier, just while ago and it hurts my heart aches. I don't know how long he will be around with his heart condition. My husband tells me not to worry myself but I can't help it. I have only once in my life been really close to another animal and Spunkles was her name. She was a wire hair Dachshund and she was my life. She protected me from my ex-husband when he would try to hit me and get between us when we would argue and fight. She would fend him off and bark and fight him off of me. It was amazing the way she protected me from him. When she died in the vets office I nearly passed out I was so broken. I went to her because she was already gone and got down in my dress and heels on my knees and told her "she would always be my baby and I would always lover her and always think of her " and she came back! She took one LONG breath and let me know she heard me and then she was gone. She had already passed before I got there but she came back to let me know she heard everything I said. It was amazing ! I grieved for 2 years after she died and then got strong enough to leave him my ex and knew she was with me that first year. I would hear her collar or feel her jump on the bed. I had a dream I went to the window where we buried her and she bit my hand, my pastor told me that was her telling me to let her go. To move on. It was so hard, so very hard. I put an angel on her grave and when I moved out I took the angel with me to remember her by.

I can not loose Dusty that would kill me. I don't want to, it will demolish me on the inside and I don't think I could take that kind of a loss again. I don't let pets get close to me but he was meant to be mine and he adores me he never stops kissing me and loving me and he chose me. God gave him to me because he KNEW I wouldn't give up and take him back when I found out he had a heart murmur I would already be attached and in love with him and never give him back. The funny thing is he was only sold for $250 and they were like "he needs to go to a good home", that was a sign right there something was wrong .  I didn't see it though I was blind to his cuteness and loving nature. He never barked or growled at me like he does at strangers he was so sweet like he knew we were meant to be partners in crime. I adore him with my spirit. I don't even think my healing abilities are strong enough to touch his heart. I know I can't close the hole in it for sure and can't keep fluid from building up so I just have to pray. It is beyond my capabilities. I am not that strong of a healer yet. I don't know how to control it yet I am a minimal healer and have to do it repeatedly. I am unable to just do it once and a person get better. I have to do it a couple of times. I don't understand my gift yet. I need to study and learn from someone. I need help. I need a master to teach me about my gifts and understand them or else I will never grow and learn .  I have contacted someone locally but have gotten no response. I am desperate though I so want to learn more about my gifts. I want to help others. I really do.

God has a lesson in all of this for me I understand that and take it that way. I don't know what it is yet but will take it a moment at a time. I do NOT regret getting Dusty, nor do I regret loving him because he is a precious animal with many insightful gifts and he loves with his whole being. Once he knows you he loves you and he doesn't take it lightly. He never did really like that one kid though. He knew his nature for sure. That one mean kid that made that comment, Dusty tolerated him but would never let him get too close and would bark at him because animal KNOW humans for sure!  Dusty is a good judge of character .... I know my dog and whatever time he has on this earth will be a blessing to me and to the people he comes into contact with. The only people he doesn't like are strangers. I can't help that though he is after all a chihuahua... a darling one. He is brown with white mixed in and so incredibly sweet . I love him my gosh I love this dog.  He has such a giving soul. He is smart too, I had him doing tricks over the summer it now seems kind of irrelevant but he could do them. He used to sit on the blanket in the front while we would play and hang out and be there with us and sometimes run away but not often. Man is that dog fast! Now he runs to my neighbors house to see his girlfriend he loves her she is some fancy $1500  that they had to have financed. You know you are a red-neck if you finance a dog LMAO ..Anyway that is his girlfriend. He is IN LOVE with Katie Scarlett and wants to make mad passionate love to her if he could reach her . I know he can't though he isn't tall enough. I want him to be happy and content and feel all the love we have for him for as long as he has. I want him to know how much he is loved. I am broken but strong and hanging in there knowing God has a plan for Dusty and has already used him in a mighty way in my life and the lives of the people around me . I care for Dusty and show him that by the way I treat him. He is sometimes naughty but I don't care I let him get away with murder, I don't care. He is too precious to me. I dunno, I have to have him muzzled at the vet's office because he doesn't trust the vet. He is so secure with me and trusts only me, it makes me feel good but he won't change that. I don't know how to help him calm that down. I think it is just part of his chihuahua nature.

I pray for him and want him to be miraculously healed. I don't think it will happen though and I don't think he is long for this earth as my papa once put that to me before he passed. I just have a 'feeling'. Something inside me says that Dusty isn't going to live a very long life. I must enjoy my precious time with him that I have and swallow it up for all it is worth. I am just thankful it is not one of my children that is sick. How much worse would that be ?

I am already broken over my dog. If it were my child I would die inside. There is always something to be thankful for. Always. Merry Christmas to all of you.

I just found out my dog Dusty's heart murmur is worse

I am so incredibly sad, I just found out that my dog Dusty's heart murmur went from a two to a five in a matter of a couple of weeks.  I bawled my eyes out in the vet's office. He has to be put on meds and I have to bring him back every 3 weeks to be checked for fluid on his heart. I am so incredibly sad because I would be so broken without him. I dunno, I just love that little chihuahua so very much. He is a little light to me he makes me so very happy. He gives me kisses and is always happy to see me and just loves me unconditionally. I just don't get that much from anyone else. I always heard it from my papa " You can't trust people like you can your dog". I agree with that, just last night I was loving on my pooch when my hubbie was like "will you cut that out ?" .He gets so disagreeable if I try to play with Dusty in bed with him, it is like he is jealous or something its so dumb.

I can't blow belly farts on my husband and he doesn't like to be kissed a lot so I kiss my dog. I tell my dog how much I love him and how precious he is to me. He listens to me. My husband doesn't listen, he watches t.v. and lays there and gets irritated if I make too much noise. I don't care I am going to love on my dog even more NOW that I know he is sick and my spouse is going to just have to suck it up. I am going to make my dog's life on this earth as easy as possible because I don't know just HOW much time he has. He could go into cardiac arrest. Its funny this punky kid that I have written about in my blog before - joked about my dog dying from his heart murmur. I wonder if speaking that kind of shit made it happen if he wished for it and he made it happen.

I hate that kid. He is awful and he needs well I won't go there. I am not his parent and for that I AM GRATEFUL !  God does do miracles, all the time and Dusty can get better. I just don't see it happening. I could be wrong. I am going to try to do healing work on him though. I am going to try to beg God to work through my hands to help heal him. I don't want to loose my baby. You would think I was talking about one of my kids. It almost feels like it.

Anyway I guess thats all for now, I am emotionally exhausted and my feelings are hurt and the cleaning ladies wanna go smoke so I am getting off of here. I have posted all I can for now. later.

This is one of my favorite songs

I love the Foo Fighters... I want this song played at my funeral actually I want a party instead of a funeral. I don't want a drab boring thing where everyone is sad and depressed the afterlife is a party ! I just want balloons and cake and music that I liked. I want to be creamated and my ashes dumped in the mountains somewhere where the wind can carry them far far away. I don't think this is depressing to state this because if I don't write this down somwhere no one will know my wishes. I have thought about this and must make this known to my loved ones some way. So what better way then my blog.

Home lyrics
Wish I were with you but I couldn't stay
Every direction leads me away
Pray for tomorrow but for today
All I want is to be home

Stand in the mirror, you look the same
Just lookin' for shelter from the cold and the pain
Someone to cover, safe from the rain
And all I want is to be home

Echoes and silence, patience and grace
[ From : http://www.elyrics.net/read/f/foo-fighters-lyrics/home-lyrics.html ]
All of these moments I'll never replace
No fear of my heart, absence of faith
And all I want is to be home

All I want is to be home

People I've loved, I have no regrets
Some I remember, some I forget
Some of them living, some of them dead
And all I want is to be home

I love that song. It is so true. So true about me there is not abscence of faith I remember most of the people that I have loved and there are some that have passed on like my mother and my papa. I miss them tremendously. I wish I could have known my husbands mother. It is at seasons like this (Christmas) when I don't have a big family around me that I miss mine so very much. I miss my best friend in Texas and wish to see her with my whole heart and want to hug her and tell her how much she means to me. One can never tell their loved ones how special they are too much. I love my kids with my whole heart and my sister... she is amazing she is so INCREDIBLE ! I have to say that about my bff too. My sister is going for her Masters in something like nursing to become a NP ( nurse practioner) and my BFF is amazing she works so hard on cakes and makes the most amazing creations. Little Piggy Cakes she used to do them but I don't think she is in business anymore she is doing it for fun now not for a living . I got her step ups to work in and they are going to help support her bad legs and stuff. She has bad vein things and they hurt her so I got her these shoes for Christmas to keep her from hurting. I love her so. I got my sister a Guess purse which rocked I had to get her a Kenneth Cole wallet though they didn't have any Guess wallets on hand at the store I went to. I was on a budget but got good deals and I know she will love it. I got my sisters beau (he sounds awesome and they are Finally together after all the naysayers) a t-shirt from Rue-21 which was a 2x I hope it is big enough because he is a po-po and a military guy and he is buff and it may not fit. I am not sure ? I hope she gets the present by Christmas I can't wait for her to get it she will love it ! I know it looked nice I crammed everything inside the purse-I wish I could have put a $20 in the billifold but I didn't have it. I wish I could have though. I just sent my foster dad a message on my cell phone telling him I wish they would talk to me and I started crying . I feel so isolated from them. It is hard I live far away like 17 hours and they NEVER call me or see how we are doing they won't friend me on facebook and have ignored my requests it is like I am the black sheep and I don't even know what the hell I did.

Did me going into the hospital all those times last year make them think bad things of me ? Do they not know that bi-polar is difficult to live with ? That it is a struggle. I hope that my foster mom (who is only 10 years my senior) can see now that she works in a mental hospital the struggles of a mental patient. IT fucking sucks ass !  When your meds are off you are unable to function and that is the bottom line !  I am doing good right now but the minute things are off kilter I go to the damn doctor. For 3 weeks I went to the doctor every week because I was yelling and a nervous wreck when I first started home schooling. It was hard I couldn't even think straight, and my son was testing me with his attitude. We both (my son and I ) started Intunive and he is on a lower dose then I am but we are both doing better and we don't fight and argue and he is much calmer and so am I.  I noticed yesterday while driving that I didn't have the road rage when people were driving crazy around me since I have had my Chakra cleared. Whatever was attached must have been bad. I am thankful that lady closed that door for sure.

I wish they would try to have a relationship with me I want so badly to have grandparents for my children but at what cost ? I am hurting now I get no response and no matter how I try to reach out to these people that brought me up when I was a teen, and screwed up (badly) they tried their hardest to make things right. They didn't let me do things and kept me out of trouble which was AWESOME. I didn't get pregnant, went to college got an Associates Degree and ended up married early happy for a little while and divorced and they took me back in for awhile and got me back on my feet. I hated moving back in with them LOL. It was hard after being an adult and having rules put back on you. They are good people just stubborn they expect you to get over it automatically and I believe in therapy and getting help. I am who I am because of where I have come from. I don't blame people I dislike some people that brought me up but I can't help that. One specific person needs her ass kicked. I wouldn't do it though unless she hurt my kids. I would NEVER let her near them though.

I love my kids too much and when I was 17 and at her house after who I call my foster parents took me away from her ... well we went and saw her for Thanksgiving because it is that ladies mother.  After my foster parents went to bed she took me back to her bedroom and asked if I was a virgin and I was proud that I was ! I told her yes ... she said NO you aren't your brother..... blah blah blah and I just started crying. That is how that lady is. EVIL. She broke my heart at 17. I was still a virgin in my heart I never gave myself up until I was true to the person that I loved. I loved him with my soul and I think part of me always will. You never forget your first love.

I went home after that and when my foster parents found out what she did they were livid. I was so fucked up after that I needed counseling but didn't get it. I didn't have nightmares thank God. I didn't relive the rape until I was 19 and married for the first time and in counseling for it. I hated going to counseling for it but now I can talk about it freely without crying or anything. I don't get upset like I used to. A true miracle of God ! I am thankful to Him for healing my heart for sure.

It never ceases to amaze me what God can do in a heart. I have hope that God can heal my family's heart toward me. My sister is the only one that claims me. Not even my foster brother claims me, he is bitter toward me too. I left him when I got married and he always used to ask me "when are you coming home" and it would break my heart. You see when the kids were small I would baby-sit them a lot while the adults went out and we would dance and I would take them to the library over the summer and read to them Dr. Suess books and Shel Silverstein. I loved those kids like they were my own ! They kept me from hurting myself a lot. I promise that. I know I never hurt myself because of those kids. It was a blessing, to have those children in my life and I loved them with my whole heart. Now my brother won't speak to me. Oh well. Such is life. I miss him though, very much. He is a good boy. I loved walking him in the park when he was fussy and no one could handle him and he would fall asleep for me. I still love him that much.

It doesn't matter if  they talk to me or not I love them. I can't help it even if they hurt me by ignoring me. I just deal with it. I hang in there and suck it up. My husbands family ignores us too so there you have it. What do we do? We live alone our little family and make do. I told my husband I would haunt this family if they fight if I were to die ... if they were to argue and not get along. I would come and break dishes and plates and rattle cabinets and stuff. My son said he would be a broken vessel. I told him I would never leave his side no matter where he was I would always be with him.
I mean that too.

I believe firmly in the afterlife-I see them all around me too. I have a lady across the street that communicates thru a light in my neighbors yard . I go outside and smoke and the light will flash and I will talk to the lady sometimes but I really don't know what to say. I wonder if she is just lonely and wants company. I think so.
I wish I could help her- I don't know how.

I dunno I guess I will learn eventually. Have you heard the Plain White T's song Rythym Of Love ? It is a beautiful song.  I love that song !! It is awesome, and has a beautiful message. I love to listen to that song it brings me such joy. I am going to hopefully learn more about the blessings God has given me like healing and other things and hopefully one day bless many people in God's name. I want to do that more than anything.

May this be a blessing to all who read it.

I went to a psychic reading last night with my son

It was very interesting, a "Night With The Angels"...and I got a reading. I am a medium which I kind of already knew about myself. They closed a doorway and removed some negative energy that was blocking me. I am glad for that . I was also told about some past lives that I had one where I was a guru and let entities into my body which I  DO NOT WANT TO HAPPEN NOW !  So it is good they closed that door !  I don't think I want anything in me doing spiritual damage towards my being for sure. I am not sure how to be a medium or what that means? I never watched the show, I only know the spirits that I have around me try to talk to me in different ways and I sensed one last night by my bed as I was sleeping and was like ugh... I was tired and ready to go to bed but could feel something there lurking.

When I was a kid around 4th grade we lived in this house in Dallas, and it was weird. Doors would pop open when I would walk down the hall and the spirit there did NOT like me. He tortured me ! He pulled off my necklace one morning by continually yanking on it (he sat on the bed I could feel his weight).  I was so scared I just started praying. I was so scared of him, he was not nice. I would go outside on Sunday mornings and read the funny papers in the driveway in my pj's everyone in the house thought I was going crazy I am sure of it but I didn't care they didn't see what I saw.  Then one night beat all, I was laying in bed half awake and I felt something sit down. I was alone in the front of the house in the "green room" as I called it, by the foyer. I felt something caress the covers over and over. I jumped up and tried desperately to turn on the light to no avail. Then I jerked the door open and ran down the hall screaming bloody murder and got slapped in the face for freaking out. I was crying and so scared, that bitch of a lady I lived with that I had to call "mom" made me stay in that fucking room all damn day. To "teach me a lesson for waking her up at 3am" . Didn't she know I was terrified of that room ? Couldn't she tell I was traumatized ? NO she was evil !

Anyway so much for good parenting... it never happened with her. She is going to burn in hell I just know it. She is pure unadulterated evil. That is all I have to say about her.

So as far as developing my medium talents I don't know where to begin but I feel like I have a pretty good start. My hole is blocked so I won't have any ill willed spirits flogging me in the back of the head. That is a plus ! This all may sound strange to some of you but I really don't care I believe in the supernatual and know it is real. I live with ghosts in my home, my dog barks at them and my son sees them. They surround us and I guess it is just part of our lives, it has been a part of my life as long as I can remember.  I just have to accept it and train myself to help others and not be a phony like some of the ones I have personally dealt with. I don't like that. I have had some of them make up stuff just to try to get money out of me for cleansings from "curses" that never even exsisted. That supposed psychic was whack.

I would never do that to anyone. I would rather not answer a question than lie. That is what I am about. I would not put my reputation on the line with lies. Maybe one day I can help the police or someone else with their lost loved ones who knows but for right now I must study and learn and develop. So off on my journey I go. That is what the angels and the psychic have spoken. Get a lot of books and learn !

Yay for me !

Well this is the anniversarry of my husband's mothers passing

He is so very sad too. I sang him a song this morning the Plain White T's song Rhythm of Love song. He loved it. I love him so very much I thought it would cheer him but by the end of it we were both crying like a bunch of saps. I guess because it say "long after I'm gone You'll still be humming along... and we only have tonight turn the music low and dance to the rythym of love." It is a precious song. I said it was for him and his mom in rememberance of her.  I intended to bring joy but brought tears I dunno it wasn't my intention I love him and I can sing that isn't a hard song for me to stay in tune with either.

I thought today, God brought Me closer to Him throught the ordeal of the lump you know it. I never thought of that! I also realized maybe my son has the gift of prayer and healing that God will use one day. I dunno but maybe we shall see. It is amazing to me still even though I have faith that it just went away all of a sudden . I don't care what others say IT WAS GOD ! There is not any other explanation for me.

I have a friend that is an atheist, a hard driven one and he says that when we can't think for ourselves or explain anything we say it is God. I say it is our faith that speaks for us. I have been raped and come through it, I have been beaten, and survived. I have been abused severely as a child and have two beautiful children that don't get done that way because God SHOWED me how to be a mom. NO I have failings and I have shared them but I am a work in progress.  They are realizing that I am not scary mean mom anymore and the meds are helping me be calm too. I am thankful for any help I get from whatever resource too and I think God uses Doctors to help us I am not religious I am spiritual. There is a difference.  I know the Lord uses the trauma I have been thru to speak to others I pray for strangers I don't even know . I know the Holy Spirit speaks through those prayers because when I am praying I know things that I should not know and THAT IS GOD SPEAKING not little peon me.  The people will be 'how did you know that ' and I am like " that was God not me" for sure it is God. It is the truth.

I have found that I have the gift of healing and need to study about it. I am not sure how it plays into my life but it has become a natural one that has cropped up recently. I have also decided after this scare somehow I MUST stop smoking. END OF STORY ... I don't know how I am going to do it but I must ask for God to help me and for grace from my family.  I need help. All the help I can get. I just bought a carton of cigarretts too. I need to stop before the end of the year we really can't afford them at the beginning of the year anymore we will have too many medical bills. I will be home schooling and won't have time to break for cigaretts either will have too much stuff to take care of. I will have a lot to do.

I was supposed to take my son to the therapist today it was a sporadic cancelation they called me and I said I would take the appointment but he is ill in bed with a stomach ache and his throat hurting. I think he caught the cold from that kid that came over that acted so naughty he wasn't over his illness and must have spread his germs to my son OH well. I just hope he gets over it by tomorrow there is a party with is occupational therapy group at Monkey Joes and he REALLY wants to go ! That would suck. I am going to do some healing work with him when he wakes up. Plus he doesn't want to miss the youth church group festivities ... we have to get him a sweater that lights up or something for a party something that looks ridiculous from Goodwill that is too big something frumpy and ugly a Granny sweater. LOL. I can't wait he is going to have a ball.

The cleaning ladies are coming today, my house is a mess as ususal, I hate that! I have to clean before they come to make it presentable. It is a shame but I am so busy I was at the doctors yesterday and then so emotionally exhausted I just didn't have the energy to do anything but sit. I didn't even get a lot of school done. My son did the things he could get done by himself and we read in our read aloud "Old Yellar" which is getting really good ! I love that book I have never had the chance to read it but for those of you with children it is an excellent book for 9-11 year olds ! It is very moving and a Newberry Award Winner so it is phenomenal . I love the scenery descriptions and the placement of the charecters and how it is set up in the old west. It is cool ! I just love home schooling it rocks ! I get to spend time with my son and teach him and spend quality time with him and he loves it. I won't always get to do that so I treasure it now. Pretty soon he will be out with friends (hopefully good ones) and doing his own thing and I won't see him so much.

Did I mention I had a dream about my son? I dreamt he was a young man going into the Air Force and he was wearing the uniform with the hair cut and so very happy. He had his duffle bag and was getting patted on the back by his friends and going to his bunk. It was awesome he looked overjoyed. I was so very proud but it was like I was seeing this from somewhere else. I dunno if I was there or not but he was a happy man and beside himself and that is all that matters I saw his future . He is going to be fine. He is going to grow up and be a man and do something with his life something structured and strong. I am so thankful God gave me that dream because before I was stressed about what was going to happen to him. You know like what would happen in his life because he just can't seem to take stuff... and I had this dream. I felt peace. I woke up at two in the morning and had peace about the future of my son. It was a blessing. If he can only stay safe !

I think of all the units in the Armed Forces though the Air Force is the least of the worries. So that is good !

Anyway I have spoke my peace for now and thank you for reading ... bought another book by Sonia Choquette called something about Psychics I can't wait to read it.. I have another one of hers about Finding your destiny...I already read the one about "Talking to Your Guides" that was a good one I recommend it to anyone interested in speaking to your angels and finding a new way to comunicate in a spiritual way !

My son prayed for me

It is a miracle of God, my son prayed for me... and I laid hands on myself.. and it is gone. The lump is gone. I went to the doctor today and she checked both breasts and all she felt was tissue.  I am so thankful for sure. God did a miracle and I don't understand it but it happened !  I am so so thankful. Some of my friends don't understand about how God works but this is the one and true Lord.

He is a mighty God and He works in mighty ways because that lump was there. I felt it Friday night-plain and simple.

I hope to write more and learn more about healing others beside myself with God's help.

I wonder

I am curious, I can't talk to the doctor so I am on here every five minutes. I am scared yes, very scared. I have picked up my Bible and read a verse. It is Romans 8:28 And we kow that all things work together for good to those who love God , to those who are  the called according to His purpose. For Him whom He forknew., He also predestined.

I don't know how this plays into my life but if I would not have got hit in the breast by that kid, as my friend so kindly pointed out I probably would have never had the pain to find the lump. I need to be thankful. I can feel it lurking under my skin reminding me that it is there.  I just came in from outside crying, I just can't help it. I am sad-worried and can't call the doc until tomorrow. I don't even have an appetite for the spaghetti I made.  I heard my husband just fuss at my son for getting seconds of it but I don't care I don't even want any food. I just want to crawl back into bed. For two days now I have stayed in my pj's and moped. I dunno to have supposed faith in God I don't think my meter is too high. 

I know things are going to happen the way they are supposed to-but have I touched someone's life besides my immediate circle ? I hope I have, I would like to say yes. I would like to say I don't think that this lump isn't anything bad but I have a bad feeling about it especially after my reading with my angels speaking. They have always been right on the money about everything. I trust them innately.  I can see in my minds eye this is to be a jouney for me not to be taken lightly and I am fearful.  You see a lot of my family has died from cancer and I smoke like a dumbass. I know I should not and have been meaning to quit. This would definately do it. This is a wake up call for sure. I am frightend.

Maybe this is God's way of getting my attention ?  I am stubborn for sure and sometimes having all of your crutches taken away to get your attention. My good guy friend in Texas told me he loved me in a very caring voice and I know he is worried about me. I love him so much, so is my bff in Texas- if this is serious I am going to see them at Christmas.  I don't really care about seeing anyone else except maybe my sister and Grandma. They are cool. The rest of the family ignores me most of the time with a polite irreverence.  I dunno I just get tired of it all . I try to talk to them but get nothing back when I try like yesterday I got yelled at. I am tiring of it !  Bullshit is what it is.

I have my little family here and love them tremendously. I give my all to it and it wears me out but I love them so. Well I have to go the boys are arguing again and I am growing tired of it today. My brain can't handle it today. I just emotionally can't stand it . ugh.

My son prayed for me

I told him what was going on about the lump and he prayed for me to be healed..  Oddly enough today I don't have pain and don't feel it like I did yesterday. He is a sweet boy and prayed a beautiful prayer for me. I am still going to have it checked out but just not having the pain is such a blessing.

Today we are going to celebrate my husbands mother. She passed on the 14th of December.  I am going to buy flowers and something special to cook and balloons and have a party in her honor.  I think that it will make my husbands memory of her death easier when it comes around and help him get through it. This time of year is never easy for him because he misses his mother so much.

Well I guess that is it I have typed a lot these last couple of days which I guess is good for those of you who read my blog. Thank you

I did a reading about the lump

The reading said "trust your instincts". I would walk through fire for the sake of my husband, I would and I am desperate to save my marriage. I don't care what God has to use to bring us closer, to make him realize what he is doing and how bad it hurt us. It hurts both of us.

I love him with my whole being.  I remember when we met how fresh and new everything was and how it felt like he and I could conquer the world. Oh how to have that back !  I am crying now, the ibuprofen hasn't helped the pain and I am saddened by what I have seen and disheartened by what I don't have control over. I must trust God to work in these circumstances.

I am calling the doctor first thing Monday morning and trying to get an appointment before the end of the week. My daughter has to see the psych doctor for ADD meds on Wednesday so I can't go then but maybe before or after that day. I dunno, I am overwhelmed with fear and sadness, but ready to do whatever it takes.

Aw hell

Well I have several family members that are nurses so I wanted to speak with them or at least one of them about my breast lump. My "foster dad" from years ago blasted me about how I needed to seek the doctor's opinion and not that of a family member and how he was not going to bullshit me and etc. I think that was rude and uncalled for especially when finding a breast lump is scary and how it hurts.  I looked online and according to all the data out there - there is no telling what it is. I do know this if it takes CANCER for my husband to straighten up and act right with God then I don't care I would go for it.  I would let God do that in my life. Make me sick God please for my husband to get on his knees before you. He needs to come before you and know you . Yes I am that desperate. I don't understand what is going on with him, he is turning to something that will never fulfull him or the needs that he has. It is empty and draining and hurtful to me and I no longer have the trust for him I once had.

Enough said about that. I just think if it takes something serious to get his attention it usually is me. I break him I am the one thing that breaks him. He would lay down everything to be with me. I hope this is something serious and it speaks volumes to him. I really do I mean that with all sincerity too. God uses things to get our attention and if it has to be me then so be it. I love him; he means the world to me. I love him with my whole being so very much so. He has given so much up for me so many times, I can't even count them.

My extended family can be harsh to say the least, well not my sister but some of the others. When my mother was dying my grandmother made a comment that she should die too-however she was under great duress with someone in her extended family that drives her crazy. It still hurt though. I got the hell out of there when my friend pulled up I don't even think I hugged my grandmother good-bye I was so hurt by what she said. I just thought she was jackass for saying it and thoughtless.  I have been the same way to those I love too though. 

I texted my sister a million times I hope she understands where I am coming from, I told her how it's not cool to threaten your kids like we were. Even if it is just "I am gonna smack you" .  I think verbal threats are the worst and the reason kids are bad today. Parents threaten and don't discipline their kids-they don't follow through with what they say, so kids never believe them. Plus threatening kids is mean I realize now that I see mine are scared of me and I hate that. It will take time to undo the damage but things are coming along nicely. I have done well by the grace of God and the new meds are helping me be calm too which is great Intunive is an excellent drug for me and both my son. We get along great now.

I also want to say that I had a friend and her son over and was totally stressed because this child acts like a baffoon and won't listen to me when he comes.  I asked him 5 times to turn the speakers on the computer (he was watching videos I don't approve of on the computer WITHOUT asking) loudly. My spouse gets up to work at 2:30 to 3am in the morning to work because he works european time not American. I told him my husband is trying to sleep please turn it down over and over and he ignored me and the madder I got. Then when I was in the kitchen it was like he came up to me to try to intimidate me by coming really close to me and pull that "I am bigger than you" bullshit , but I didn't budge he started making racket again and I told him to cool it. He got upset and called his mother into the hallway and she said " he wants to go he's not having any fun". What a brat ! That kid has taken his shoulder into my chest as hard as he could while I was trying to play with him and hit me as hard as he could like a football player would and now I have a fucking lump in my breast. I don't know if that is why I have it but I never had problems before! This kid is a terror and my son was not putting up with his crap either so he got mad and left. It sucked to because I love his mom. I called her to talk to her today and the boy wouldn't let me talk to her. He is such a jerk. I sent her a message on FB though hopefully she will get it. He even said to her that I said my dog was going to have "intercourse on his leg" which my son said I didn't say so I don't know if I said it or not but I got in trouble for it anyway because he said it and said I said it in front of him. You know what though the funny thing is while on the phone with me one day though he said to me I needed to get me dog a "blow up doggie". He knows more about sex than he lets on and his mother needed to know that. So I made sure she did. LOL. I hope that kid got a talking to about that little comment because it was not very nice to make up something that never even happened.

I don't get it. Today kids call adults by their first names are disrespectful and don't say yes ma'am and no ma'am or anything. Where did all the manners go ? My kids have been taught to call adults "Ms. ____ or Mr. ___ and always say Yes Ma'am or No Ma'am or No Sir or Yes Sir . I am flabbergasted that more parents don't teach their kids about manners. It is a shame. It is because the world would be a nicer place to live in. Instead of the me me me generation we have today .

We had a lot of fun last night at the show.  It was crazy, I wore these stiletto heel boots like a dummie, I was walking like I had a stick up my butt. I can't walk in heels though especially with my bad back and hip. I don't know what I was thinking I just wanted to dress up though because I never get to go anywhere ! I put on make-up or anything anymore either but I got all dressed up. My hair is even laying down too even though it is super curly. I am surprised ! It looked good too. I was very happy about the way I looked, but very uncomfortable by the end of the night and worried that I would fall as there were many lumps and bumps on the pavement that I had to walk on not to mention the stairs.

I know the breast lump coming at the holidays is a stressor but if it bear fruit then it does exactly what it is supposed to do.  I don't care at what cost, if I lose my hair that oddly enough I haven't (for a change) cut off or shaved short. I don't care !  I don't care if I get sick or have chemo or even loose my precious breasts that would be hard - I would feel like less of a woman I think . I would make it though, not trying to borrow trouble just saying if it had to come to that I would be willing to make that sacrifice. I am saying it out loud. I am being honest. I want my husband to know the Lord again.

I miss us together at the table. I miss us spending time together,he is always at his computer. He loves that damn thing. Sometimes I think he loves her more than me- it is his other wife, he works with her and plays with her and spends way more time with her than me and I am jealous. I deal with it though. I somehow muddle through my day and deal and sneak a kiss when I take breakfast, lunch and sometimes even dinner to them while they hang out. I hate her- she is sleek and seductive, she can offer him things that I can't. A solace a piece that of  things that only satan brings. It angers me to no end. I hate her. I want to ravage her with my hatred. I want to break her and tear her to pieces and make her no longer work. I want to ruin their relationship and make him dislike her. There is nothing I can do, not a damn thing, she is a seductress. I can't do anything like her. I don't tempt like she does or thrill like she does or scheme like she does. How dare she steal my husband from me . He doesn't even pay attention to me anymore I hate to say it. It hurts like hell. I am broken inside from it. I adore him so, I would give up everything to be his everything and nothing matters to me but his happiness but all he loves is his damn computer.

I am done now it has been an interesting blog.  I am drained from the emotions exerted. I am toast!

Today was interesting

Today school went well and we (my son and I ) went to an acoustic concert locally. It was quite entertaining !  We had a ball, and all the girls screamed when the cute boys got on stage and acted quite crazy about them. I was amazed at the young people there without their parents but there were quite a few. One eigth grade girl sitting behind us I asked what grade she was in by chance.. had her breasts hanging out of her shirt and she was home schooled so much for conservation ! That bosom of hers was out there like a gay pride parade on Saturday ! I was worried my 11 year old son would be knocked over when she leaned to get her chap stick back from him but he managed to hold it together pretty well considering they were like that.

I found a lump in my breast today, it has been sore for about 2 to 3 weeks and I thought it was my period but it wasn't and it hasn't gone away so I checked myself. It's a lump so I am calling the doctor Monday. I am wowrried.

I was stressed out VERY BADLY TODAY !!!

Man, I had two doctor's appointments one for myself and one for my son both at the same doctors office.  I didn't even know that I had one but luckily I showed up anyhow.  I didn't get very much school done today which sucked and so we are going to have to play catch up tomorrow.. I don't like doing that at all.  OH you probably didn't know it not sure if I mentioned it but I home school my son and I am about to home school my daughter soon too.  She is not doing well in her second grade studies so I am going to take it upon myself to teach her the things she should be learning in public school but hasn't caught yet.

I had to call the mail order pharmacy two times today to try to get them to mail prescriptions to us because they didn't mail mine or my son's on time and the doctor even spoke with them.  I don't understand insurance companies but they were nice enough surprisingly and they are sending it UPS. I don't like dealing with insurance companies and our deductible starts over soon I am so stressed out over it too !!!

You know another thing the lady friend of mine sort of  that goes to the Church of Christ she went on a rant and did a 'Bible' study with me about what she said was how the Holy Spirit but her Bible study had nothing to do with the Holy Spirit and how He works in He works in our lives, it was about how they are the only way to God and the " Church that Christ died for".  I say Bullsheet!!!  I wonder she even cried it was really sad they are really worried about my soul at that church and 'pray' for me etc.  I dunno it is creepy ! Then her son was being all obnoxious and loud and irritating and I could NOT get him to calm down at all and hubbie was trying to take a nap and he the boy was on the computer playing music videos loudly , I asked him several times to " turn it down ! He would not do it and I had to ask again his mother never said a word to him. He got upset because my kids were not putting up with his shit either and so he threw a fit and left . Hubbie did not get a nap and went to bed disgruntled.  I am NOT happy about him not getting to rest my kids were quiet for a change LOL .

I dunno, I give up with her.  I am not going to go to that church anymore I am going to a non-denominational church and that is much better for me. I can't take one that is so judgmental, not against all denominations.
I can't see my loving God sending a person to hell just because they didn't go to a certain church that is just plain silly !

Spirituality

Well I have done some readings (tarot) for several people and they have been pretty 'right on the money.  I always ask my angels to speak through the cards.  I read a book about talking to your guides.  We all have angels that are about us and they are there to help us throughout our daily activities and we can call on them for any and all things and they are happy to help !  I asked them today to help with a reading and they pulled through mightily and gave me strength to give a good one but one top of that I got pictures in my head of her husband and what he looked like and that she was arguing with him and nagging him and that he was stressed out and their relationship was strained from this.  It was interesting because I had never had such a visual of the situation before.  I saw pictures in my head of what was going on like a movie, I wonder if I am psychic or something ? I wonder if as crazy as that may be something of a gift to help others.  God does strange things with people .... I do have dreams that come true and see things happen and this is one way of doing that.  Helping others by telling them what the cards are saying and the impressions you are getting through the cards.  I dunno but it was a very interesting experience.  I would like to have more practice.

I have also experienced working with healing .  I need to get better at it but I am learning my chiropractor gave me the name of a book called "Healing Hands"  and an excersise to do.  I need to practice it more but I did some work today for awhile. It is amazing you can feel the pressure between your hands .  I sent some energy and prayed for a friend of mine and God made her feel better ... she couldn't turn her neck to the side for 4 days and she was having horrible pain down the side of her body and it got better in an instant.  I don't know what is happening but my mother had some gifts and I don't think she used them for good necessarily I want to.  Say what you may but I think these things are possible my chiropractor is a healer I know that for a fact and he has used it on me and helped my back and bladder feel better.  I don't even take the meds I used to for it.

My nerves are still the same I am nervous, have nervous energy about the future and what is to come.  My reading said we are going to have financial trouble but that we would be triumphant and that we need to hang in there.  I  just don't like to struggle.  I am also nervous about taking the younger child out of school.  I am greatful though that spouse is supportive and gives me the reigns when I need to do what I think is best.

Meds are kicking my butt going to bed and passing out got to get ready for a big day tomorrow !

I am completing the 8th step of the 12

I went to therapy and told my tdoc what has been going on at home.  She said it was not good that my kids are scared of me but it is understandable because I was in an enviroment growing up that was unhealthy, and that people that were supposed to 'care' about me treated me like well I said 'shit'.  I heard it all the time.  I dunno but the apple doesn't fall far from the tree as  they say.  I just hope I have stopped this soon enough and they won't do it to their kids.  Although every time I was mean and nasty to them I apologized they still fear me.  I can relate to this feeling and not with great fondness.  A slight raise of the hand and you think you're gonna get smacked or if something spills on the floor you will get yelled at.  (or worse).  I know these things well I grew in an enviroment infested with violence.  It sucked ass.

I am ashamed and now she told me I am doing the 8th step which is asking for forgiveness, which is good.  Now the trick is to undo the fear that my kids have for me.  I want to undo it NOW but it has taken years to create and I can't undo it in one day.  I still think of the other day before Thanksgiving when I grabbed my daughter by the arm and she looked at me in fear like she was in trouble or something and all I wanted was to dance to 'Dog Days are Over' by Florence and the Machine .  Its a great song!  Anyway I scared the hell out of her and she begrudgingly did it for a moment .  Hopefully in time I can make up for the hurt I have caused them.

No one ever apologized to me not really.  I was told "I did it to make you tough" what a crock of shit.  I have never heard of a more cowardly excuse to abuse someone in my life.  I got beatings on a regular basis.  When I cut my hair at 14 because the lady made me feel like a boy.... all scragglly and shaggy and the kids all laughed at me all  the time I cut my hair too much.  I got caught with it uneven.  Her NICE daughter took me and got me a bob haircut and for the first time I felt feminine and pretty.  When no one was home however the mother of the nice daughter beat me naked with a belt and told me if I told anyone she would do it again.  She was CRAZY.

I wonder if I will ever get over the abuse I suffered at the hand of that woman ?  Sometimes I think back and hate her and wish her dead and other times I don't care.  Today I just think she is a sorry excuse for a mother.  I would NEVER let my kids around her she is the devils advocate.  I don't have any family really to speak of I am the black sheep anyway ..having bi-polar and being hospitalized  gets you judged a lot.  I think if more people understood mental illness they would not be so quick to pass judgement or hospitalizations.  People don't go into the hospital to run away they go to get help.  People don't try to commit suicide because they want to die they feel so hopeless that they can't see any point anymore and give up.  Its not about others when they try to do it either you don't think about others ... you're not thinking about anything but your sadness.  It engulfs you and swallows you whole. It is a terrible feeling it is like someone has died everyday and you can't get over it and you wake up and they die all over again .  I hated feeling like that.
Every time I ever tried to hurt myself or ended up in the e.r. it wasn't about others it was because I just wasn't functioning at full throttle and some people said to me even in the hospital or in my family - you are leaving the kids abandoning them....which is lie.  I only went there to get better.  So those people didn't understand nor did they try to.  They passed judgement like most people.  I think it is bravery when people take their medication and go to their doctor appointments and see their therapists if they are blessed to have insurance.  It sucks at the first of the year my deductible per person is like over 1000 per person in my family.  I take over 5 different kind of meds and don't know how I am going to pay for them.  Only by the grace of God.  I did a reading and it said money trouble in the future but would come out triumphant.  I just trust that we hang in there and do the best we can.  I will keep shopping at Dollar General first for the dry goods and then go to Wal-Mart for groceries and CVS for milk that is the cheapest way to go.I know where the sales are.

I have lost 8lbs just walking around the house in step ups and eating less... my pdoc weighed me and I am down 4 more pounds from 2 weeks ago.  I have had to go in quite a bit due to stress from life and what not.  I am doing better the doctor put me on Intunive a long acting drug for nerves and ADD and it helps.

Well I am going to go no, having egg nogg with disarrono  which is yummy =)