My life song !

"Walk"

A million miles away
Your signal in the distance
To whom it may concern
I think I lost my way
Getting good at starting over
Every time that I return

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
Can't you see I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?

Do you remember the days
We built these paper mountains
And sat and watched them burn
I think I found my place
Can't you feel it growing stronger
Little conqueror

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?

Now
For the very first time
Don't you pay no mind
Set me free again
You keep alive a moment at a time
But still inside a whisper to a liar
To sacrifice but knowing to survive
The first to find another state of mind
I'm on my knees, I'm waiting for a sign
Forever, whenever
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I'm on my knees
I never wanna die
I'm dancing on my grave
I'm Running through the fire
Forever, whatever
I Never wanna die
I Never wanna leave
I'll Never say goodbye
Forever, whatever
Forever, Whatever

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?
I'm learning to talk again
Can't you see I've waited long enough
Where do I begin?

I'm learning to walk again
I believe I've waited long enough
I'm learning to talk again
Can't you see I've waited long enough

This is my theme song because I believe I have taken shit off of people long enough AMEN !

This is how my husband makes me feel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RK51y3ii4I&feature=player_detailpage

That is how I feel about my husband, when I see the strength of the man holding the woman and pulling her up  and lifting her and carrying her that is how my Philippe makes me feel. Yes I gave his name , he is incredible. He is a wonderful man. He is amazing and loving and wonderful even when he struggles he is amazing. Watch the video that is what marriage is like it is what love is like with ups and downs and tosses and turns but you survive. He has my heart forever. An infinity.

You Have To Be Careful What Medicine You Take When Pregnant

I mistakenly took Zoloft while pregnant with my son, the WHOLE time and while breastfeeding quite a bit I think I stopped taking it after awhile. The doctor PROMISED there would be NO side effects to the baby. NOW I see them, I didn't know what it was. I thought it honestly was poor behavior or he wasn't normal. That there was something innately wrong with him. Isn't that terrible ?  Me his mother thinking he was defective. I feel like an ass!  I should too- he has gone 12 years almost 13 undiagnosed. I think he has Aspergers a form of autism and a form of Sensory Disorder. They all intertwine together, ADD, OCD, depression, stomach problems, irritability, social problems, the list goes on.

I have an appointment with his pediatrician to get him evaluated with a specialist and have contacted the attorney that is filing the class action lawsuit against the Zoloft manufacture whoever that is. I am raising total hell until this is taken care of. I have taken this child with kid gloves now that I know what is going on.
I am NOT giving up on him or quiting without a fucking fight. He will get treatment. and help and have a NORMAL LIFE and learn to live in society and function without getting mistreated by others he is a great kid.

What Do I Do Now That I Have Given Up MY Pursuit OF Death?

You might be asking what I mean by that ? I mean this, all these years I have had an 'out' if things got rough I would O.D. on pills I would just try to do it. I would get overwhelmed and do it. I would basically give up and that was partially because I had the wrong shrink that wasn't giving me the right meds, and my life is extremely stressful and I am fed up. I don't know what my answer is now. I wish I could feel comfortable putting my kids in school but I can't my daughter was practically molested EVERY year she was at school by some punk ass boy and my son is supposed to know things that he doesn't. The only thing he is on track on is his math. His English is behind by a couple of years thanks to the "no child left behind act" and his reading sucks. My daughter well I am letting her breath and I do school almost every day this summer with my son. It is GRUELING I am coming out of my skin. Then there is the housework and never ending laundry and the fact the dogs aren't potty trained and I am having to clean up after them. I have the Kirby but broke the belt and so I had to take a MOP and scrub his floor with it and then use my old water vacuum that doesn't clean but sucks and my son sucked the water off the floor for me. It no longer is stinky in his room. I think we are going to go and get him the futon bed at Sams this weekend so he can stop sleeping on the floor in my room. I can't take it. My daugher will NOT sleep in her room, she is too afraid. She might if she actually had a decent bed in there I don't know but the bedrooms are so FAR away from mine that it is ridiculous. I think I will move Topher's room into Maya's and then My daugher's into the dining room and get her a bed in there. I am tired of it. I WANT the kids OUT of my room. It must happen NOW. End of story !

I need my bed to myself my space my time if I want to watch t.v. or do something in my room or take a shower or do something in my room alone with my husband I am sick of the kids being in there. It is ridiculous, and I am taking charge damnit. They run over me and it is time to get my life back. GRRRR!!!!! I am proposing this IDEA to my husband and running with it.
There is NOTHING in her room except loose stuff and a bed would go in there so much easier than in the dining room and a smaller bed would go in the dining room would go in her room  easier. I am doing it . Next paycheck it is time to do hers. Her room is already painted and done in cream, a perfect boys color, and  has a door, so that is final. It is done. Problem solved. There are adjustable lights in the dining room and no door to block light out for her to be afraid and she can see I have just bought a nightlight too a pretty one.  She can have that. We can get both of them a futon bed and set it up. They are full size at $350 a piece it will be affordable. I just need sheets for them that match. Eventually I can paint her room Blue to match her curtains.

Did I mention my doctor's appoinment? It went sucky, last Friday I went to the doctor Dr. Weaver to be exact and he didn't treat me with ANY dignity or respect. I wore a long skirty and a nice shirt and my hair in a bun and no make-up. You could see my tat's but it was not like they are vulgar. I have a butterfly progression and a sun with the words of Buddah that says "With our thoughts we make the world" Which is true. I would have something from Jesus but it is hard to pick. I like the one that says When your father and mother forsake you the Lord will take you up. That one is my favorite. My father and mother forsook me.

All of them.

It is hard to feel like you are not wanted not even by your own. I want a nice caress or a kiss or love. I want to be loved. I have so much love to give and it is hard it is making me hard hearted. I can't even give hugs to my children anymore because I get NO affection from my spouse. I have to ask for a kiss or a hug or whatever. Shit I have a tear running down my cheek and I can't even cry about it. I am not crying just one single tear. He says he loves me but I think he feels sorry for me. He was on the phone yesterday for business, now mind you I grew up VERY poor in a trailer to a german mom who taught me ballet and culture and now I am more course around the edges because I am tired of taking people's shit. LIKE the Doctor's who when I gave him my shrink's lab paper didn't do my LIVER PANEL or give me theyroid meds or an inhaler and I smoke. I was OUT of a lot of meds and he didn't even contact my old doctor for crying out loud I told him my last cholesterol test was like 800 and he didn't increase ANYTHING so I am reporting a complaint to the STATE BOARD. May he rot I am certain I am not the only one he has done this too.

Other people in their seer-sucker pant's and pink ties may get away with this but I am educated and know that I have rights and deserve respect just because I and I capitalize I because damnit I deserve respect. I do. I didn't go through my hellacious life to get where I am today to take crap of a two bit doc that thinks I owe him something when I don't know him from adam. I was respectful and brought my husband and daughter thankfully and they are witnesses to the whole thing and the lab drew 5 vials of blood none of which were for what I needed I am sure I was NEVER contacted about anything and had to go to an ER to get medication because I felt so bad. Thankfully the doc there gave me medication without asking or doing labs. He was so nice.  Dr. Weaver had a whole week, when I lit into his staff I told them I will NEVER be returning and they might be hearing from my attorney.

I have no rights to a case through an attorney per one but I am filing a complaint and I will put down EVERY detail . I have a place on my left shoulder like a bump that I had scratched that Dr. Patel would have biopsied but this doc was like "I can't see it for all the ink of your tattoo" what a turd. Some people are so self-righteous and one day he is going to need someone to take care of him. God sees EVERYTHING and he will pay for the treatment he has given others.

I see people homeless and from the manor house and I am more liable to give those people my respect that someone that has money.  Wealthy people think that those of us that stay home as mothers or that have mental illness' are just ignorant and can't get jobs. I was at the top of my field once and was the 2nd person in Texas to get a certificate for medical billing and EVERYONE WANTED me in Dallas, TX.  I scored 100% on the test. I am brilliant when it comes to remembering stuff, I speak spanish. I am trying to learn Dutch but can't get past the accent and only am able to pronounce German like what my mother spoke to me. It makes me sad. God I miss her. I wish I would not have been made to be afraid of my parent's by leska and rueben they should be ashamed.

My mother was a human being. Leska tried to get me to love her through fear that is not love. I hate her now. I always will I don't think I will EVER forgive her, or the things she did to me and although the things she did made me stronger they made me mean and hateful and I act like that at times to my kids. I hate that part of my soul I wish I could wash that filth away. I hate myself sometime. I was trying to have a conversation with God last night and my nieghbor anne snuck out on the front porch to listen. Why can I not talk to my God without her listenting ? She is such a bitch and reminds me or Leska. The looks when you are in your front yard or driving by the nagging voice. When I used to be her friend I would go over and help her clean and she used to make me do things over and over it was NEVER good enough.

What a dork.

I am going to go now. I am sad and I need to take my medicine. I am not leaving my house this weekend. I talk to you all because I have no one else to listen to me I think. I have "surface friends" but not ones I can pour my soul out to EVERYONE has ALWAYS thought me to be a weirdo except my dog dusty. now he is gone.

I ask again. What am I going to do ? What is my escape now that I do not have death to use ?

I saw lights in my neighbors yard ALL bright and blue with changing shapes

They were undulating and glowing and I could not process it. I was trying in my mind's eye to explain away the sight of it but I could not... it didn't make ANY sense.  I watched at first I saw her t.v. on through her front door and then like these lights over her front door like bulbs. They were blue in color and bright and glowing. I don't know she is mean and I would have said that she set it up to make me think (because she heard me and my daughter say "a ship was in the air "  the other night, that she made something look like it in her yard; however she could have NEVER done something so dramatic.

I know I am on Geodon for what I did in college (X and acid) but my daughter witnessed the ship in the sky above our home also so I know I wasn't seeing anything ! These lights were freaky... they went all around in a circle above like in a shape of a craft and were glowing on and off. They had a glowing pattern to them and wouldn't stop. When these things happen I usually have insomnia and can not sleep until in the early a.m. . I saw something again last night but nothing as severe.  I am not sure what this was but is was bizarre !

I know this is real.  If we as creation think we are the only intelligent life out there then we are mistaken. That would be a sad thought. I am not fearful of it either.

I remember when my mother died, I was listening to my radio in the living room and I didn't have curtains on the windows.  I saw briefly as I RAN into my room a head on my back deck through the window and it scared the hell out of me. The next thing I know as I was in bed ( everyone was asleep) I saw something by my bed. I tried to do the symbol of the cross at it to keep it away and cry out to Jesus. It didn't work (?)  I don't know where my God falls into all of this and I told Him this last night what His purpose is for me in showing me these things obviously these things want me to see them. They got me years ago and now they are making themselves visible to me now.

They have triangular ships that have flown over my home for years now. I live out in the country and there has been more than one instance. I am not afraid I can't explain why. If I have been attacked by man what is an ET going to do that is worse ? Maybe they are better equipped to deal what is wrong with me.  Hell I don't even like my neighbor if they abducted her it doesn't matter to me maybe they will help her stop being such an alcoholic and mean to everyone.

Their whole family is falling apart I kinda feel guilty I cursed them. I know it is working because her daughter well their whole family was out in their front yard 2 weeks ago shouting and using the F word every other time to voice their opinion. It seems as though her daughter is going to "mental health" to get treatment. Awhile back I gave her a book on Bi-polar called "The Bi-Polar Child" that I had from when I was first diagnosed . Her friends mother seemed to have thought she had it because she was a psychologist. I dunno I haven't seen Stevi over since and having a feeling she is in the hospital because she was manic and trust me I recognize mania ! Her mother Anne calls her crazy, and Steve lets it happen ? I prayed to God to let them pay for threatening me (the threatened my life on several occasions) to bash my skull in and to shoot me. The cops won't do anything unless they brandish a gun or come on my property (I have a no trespass notice). I don't trust the cops anyway around her or in general.

I have been to the local hospital that is the "county" hospital that treats EVERYONE and they have a tank they throw you in if you are depressed. They get cops to watch you if you have mental illness put you in scrubs and have you evaluated by a psychiatrist and if you are deemed a threat to yourself or someone else they will admit you. Then you are put into the "basement" where all the criminals and everyone goes to Patrick B Harris . The last time I was there a 400 lb fat man peed on my foot .Later that year, I had to go back for something medical and a cop recognized me and he put his hand on his gun grabbed his walkie and said "I better stick around we might have something go down" what an asshole.  Some cops need to be smacked. Arrogant bastards . I used to date one and he was never like that. He was a good man. He took care of me.

I am going to write another entry. One that is NOT about aliens lol. Then I am going to undertake my housework and take my thyroid medication. I think my stomach might be empty. Did I mention I got Foo Fighter Tickets ? Aghhhhh ! yay for me :)

Oh man I saw another one last night

It was behind the trees again, the lights were different and undulating. They were like the windows in a car but changing I can't really explain it and over to the right of my house over my creek. I don't know why ? Why are they hanging around my house and lurking above it ? It creeps me out but I am not afraid. .....

My dog (wiener mixed with chihuahua) flipped over yesterday so I did some healing work on her back yesterday. It was terrible. Then my son got blisters on his feet from looking for her without his shoes ...he has a horrible blister on his foot . Then I did some healing work on my husbands arm. I don't think he is doing well he has tendonitis.

Right now I am cleaning and folding clothes. I broke the belt to my Kirby carpet cleaner yesterday and have to get another one... darn it ! I put it down too close to the floor ugh .

I cleaned like a mad woman yesterday, and bathed the dog, my smallest Buddy the Maltipoo Chihuahua.

My daughter is dancing around to Shakira and my husband is making Ramen.  My son acts like is acting like he is crippled I dunno maybe he is really hurting I can't say ? He is being a what for. My stupid neighbor complained about the dogs howling to the HOA today, which was dumb because the minute she heard that we were going to walk the dogs she went and walked her mutt. The ONE SHE FINANCED. ugh NEED I SAY MORE.

Anyway I am going to let it go because she is getting what is coming to her, her whole family is arguing all the time in her front yard.  I guess my curse worked, I asked God to make her pay for being such a jerk to me all the time the bitter old bitty. My husband said WHAT does that make you ? I am not a witch. I am not... I refuse to believe so.

It was funny though there was this girl that talked me into selling my car " I need to take my car back I can't afford mine" when they KNEW our credit was lacking.  I needed my other station wagon and NOW my husband is ALL pissed at me and they haven't been paying. Well I called to see if they were going to pay and she said "Since you called I am putting the money in the car" I sent her a text " curse the steps you take because you took advantage of my family's goodness" and about 45minutes later Phil got a call saying "We will pay you $100 next week and she was hollering in the background. What a what for. I am trying not to curse btw.  I don't like being taken advantage of. She did just that. LIAR AND THIEF .

I saw a friggin UFO last night above my house !

It had 3 lights and was oscilating and then went behind the trees. Then it came up and was like REALLY close to my house! Oh man ! I was freaking out my daughter saw it first and she ran into the house, and I went and sat on the chair and watched it move around. It was weird. Then it went to a strange light like a window in front and some lights underneath. I wish  I had a camera. When I pointed to it, oddly enough it went out like it saw me ? I dunno, I think the whole thing was weird . Next time I am getting a camera for this for sure. This isn't the first time I have seen UFOs over my house.

I have seen another one in Corsicana , TX too when the space shuttle was orbiting around the earth and then it bam! was gone it just zapped away, Mark was there and witnessed it too. I wonder who you report it to when you see a UFO ? We live near an airport so we see all kinds of things but this definitely was NOT an airplane for sure it was to still and didn't fly it just stood still and moved slowly. I didn't like the way it lurked around my home near my creek. YUCK !

I heard a really good thing on the radio

I like being spriritually naked.  I am in front of all of you basically those who read this anyway anyone who reads this is judges me and forms their own opinion and decides I am a nut or not. Some don't believe in the afterlife some do - some don't believe in God or spirutuality which is up to you. I am not trying to push any of it. My hands cramp just typing this stuff. I have arthritis really bad in my hands !

I just heard how King David did a BAD thing when he took Bathsheeba from her husband I can't remember his name and put him DRUNK on the front battle lines (King David had slept with her after her bath).  Anyway the guy was killed in battle.  What is my point ?  And why am I talking about this ?

I could tell you but I won't. Plain and simple. I have sinned many times many different ways. Being hateful to my kids, yelling at people in my car is that not murder ?  Cursing and yelling blasphemy to my God (even if you may not believe in him I do so I should respect Him and honor Him).

I am a total failure most of the time. Impatient, tired, mouthy, and I think myself to be a Christian. But the key element is God FORGIVES.  He FORGIVES.  I can't stress that enough. I have messed up some serious stuff in my life and go into it and you would not think very much of me but the thing about it is we can focus on is Jesus. "Suffer the little children to come unto me." When I was 6 years old my dad took me to a church after he found out I had been raped. I accepted Christ into my heart. It was like fifty billion bricks had been lifted off my shoulders, to this day I WILL NEVER FORGET THIS !  Jesus' gentle hand took me to that alter and led me there daring anyone to stop me and I cried like a baby. I have yet to see a grown adult cry that much to this day snot was pouring from every orafice of my face. But Jesus held me. I am strong spiritually for that and I do have my father to thank for that day. That one thing so thank you dad. I don't respect you but you did take me to church that day and change my life forever, but we all know it was God who really did it.

Did you all know it says in Romans that ALL are chosen to be Christians, that Jesus died for EVERYBODY ?  Calvanists just believe it was a select few blech. that is a lie. Man interpets the Bible according to his own will.

These fast talking preachers I don't like them but I know when I open my Bible God speaks to me. I have to go now my hands are hurting. bye all