It is HARD to be BULLIED

I am 39 and I never would have thought at this age I would have been bullied by someone.  Yes in my younger years I expected it with my frizzy hair and awkwardness, but not now.  I don't know why it is happening. I am glad though that on Saturday God prepared me for the battle at hand.  I thought initially it would have been for my grandma who was going through a grieving process but NOPE it was for me.  I am grateful though that my heart was primed and ready for the task ahead and I did not curse Anne Fincher out. It was a great moment that I was yelling "God Bless You " instead of all the other things I have yelled before. She was calling me names and telling me how fat I was (which actually wasn't true I have lost a whole person now haha) and I corrected her on that one, it wasn't good enough for her still of course because she is still smaller than me lol.  I know nothing is good enough for her though, it never is. I have been to her house and it is like she likes to bring people down and make them feel ashamed of who they are and feel stupid and lower and bring their self-esteem lower because that was done to her when she was small. (She told me once her father used to do it to her about her math.). Her parents were never supportive. I know that is why she is an alcoholic, she has a mental illness, and OCD, she cleans like a mad woman and everything has to be just so or it isn't right. I remember trying to help her clean and she would always correct me. It was scary. I have been cleaning since I was 7 years old and been taught by a Psychiatric nurse *I am not sure if this is supposed to be capitalized.  Anyway nurses are known to be paranoid of germs. She gave me my OCD. I gave my OCD to my son. ugh it is a vicious cycle.

I am going to my therapist on Friday at 3 pm and my pdoc at 11:40 on Thursday. I can't wait he is giving me something for my nightmares. I have been having a bunch of dreams that have been bugging me and getting to me and I can't handle them. I need to deal with my childhood memories of this Leska character  that was in my past that raised me from 7-14 years old. It was rough. She was hell on wheels. She has Borderline personality disorder if anyone does and she gave it to me honestly. Anne reminds me of her. You see it is strange the similarities they have. They both would constantly watch me and stare at me, listen to everything I said in a sneaky sort of way and sneak up on me to see if I was doing something ANYTHING wrong and call me all sorts of names. ugh. What sicko's. I feel sorry for Anne, she really has problems, she needs to get a life. I was on my front porch (I have put up my Christmas stuff and I know this is CRAZY!!) but I need to stay cheered up and it reminds me of Jesus. I don't have the tree lit up just up with decorations and it is pink. It is VERY beautiful. I love it. I love Christmas. I dunno. It isn't the presents its the holiday, Jesus the birth of Christ.  People don't remember the beauty of Christmas they are too focused on buying gifts I like to enjoy the snow and the beauty of it. I love the season. All of it.

What is the point to life if you don't do something bizarre once and awhile ? I am tired of being like everyone else. I am not. When I was a freshman in high school I bought a t-shirt in Galveston TX that said "Why Be NORMAL?" and the normal was upside down...... I never have followed the pack. I never will I won't . I don't really celebrate Halloween, even though I am of the medium species, I believe VERY strongly in Angels and God and the spooky stuff scares me.



Btw it brings me to the following entry: I have for the last 3 days had my outside radio turn off and switch stations and the outside lights stay on longer which is abnormal. I got some hangers (wire) because that is how i communicate with the passed on. I can't really get anything from them but guess they are unhappy about the Christmas Decorations and me going to the bonus room to get them and disturbing them. sigh- what can I do ? I also went into the basement to get a couple of couch chairs but I think it was the attic that I disturbed the man. I felt him on the front porch. He used to be a slave. I think he heard me reading Maya Angelou's poetry too to my friend (on the phone) the other day. She writes so beautifully. It inspires me to be a better person to my fellow man.

Well my shoulder is hurting. I must go. The hurricane is heading to where I am I think I can feel it in my bones. Jesus Be with us all.

Today was an interesting day.....

Well I called my ex-friends son a little bastard because he threatened me ... you see he thinks he is his mother's husband. He is totally 'enmeshed' with her. I know about this because I studied it in college and have been in therapy for so many years. She tells him EVERYTHING about her life and he is  gullible enough to believe every word and take it to heart because he is only 13.  He is trying to protect his mother. He calls me at 10 am this morning and tells me " I told you never to call my house again". I just told him off. Prior to that conversation I had spoken with his father and apologized for throwing away a c.d. that Billie had given me because I didn't want it. It had THE TRUTH on it.  I don't want to hear the Church of Christ's version of the 'the truth'. Jesus came for all men and women and children to be saved and it is not some certain church that is going to save the world. There were several different churches formed in different cities and honestly I believe you can have church in your heart. It does say "do not forsake the assembling together of yourselves" but I have panic attacks. I have bipolar and people have laid hands on me and told me I was 'healed' tried to pray demons out of me on women's retreats and all sorts of nutty stuff... I have even heard and been looked at DEAD IN MY EYES by a preacher's wife and been told we don't know what's in you ? ugh. So I have quit going .Look I can't help it .. I have a disease, if it was a heart condition it would be acceptable. If I have to go to a mental hospital I am a nutcase. What a big drag man. You know they NEVER show people with bi-polar home schooling like I do, or baking or as chefs or doing cool stuff its only in the news when someone with it looses their mind and kills someone. ugh.

My goodness. I have calmed down A TON since my hospitalization. God prepared me today. It was a nice day, my best friend Amy and her husband came over. He has started cutting the grass for us they need the money and we need the reliability. The other guy was never showing up until after the 20th and by then the grass was a foot high. grrrrr the neighbors would get mad ( ESPECIALLY Anne...) Well this is what happened today. Amy and I went to the gas station, I bought some junk and got her money for cutting the grass and won us (me $20) and her $5 on scratch offs I think God just blessed me cuz I gave the girl in there $2 for a drink she had NO money whatsoever. I thought then shoot she has no money I just won $20 I am going to buy her lunch. I would fritter away a million dollars in a heartbeat. My husband said  I am like St. Francis who went naked to give his clothes to some children. lol. Anyway I brought her the lunch and spent the other $20 on scratch offs not knowing they were $10 a piece... duh check the price next time Tatti ! I was not going with instinct or perceptiveness just shooting blanks so to speak. Anyhoo, my shoulder hurts ! Add moment ugh....been up all night putting up Christmas stuff will explain.


Clear thought. I get home and Jeremy Amy's husband sits down and has a smoke and Anne (neighbor from Hades) comes to the end of her driveway to the middle of the street with her dumb dog and says " I hope you are going to blow this grass off the street and Jeremy replies "NO ma'am I'm not I was gonna let the rain wash down the drain.." She interrupted him and started blurting out WELL THEN IM CALLING THE HOME OWNERS ASSOCIATION !!!!!!!!!! blah blah blah. I responded  calmly but sternly over and over "do what you need to do" then she cursed me a blue streak in front of God children and EVERYONE " Mother Theresa would have smacked her. I just blessed her. A week ago I would have gotten up ran down the stairs and beat the snot out of her but today because I got in my Bible and read about TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK to my grandmother (who just lost her daughter in a terrible accident).... I did not know God meant that FOR ME. 


I would sell my house to the worst person in the world for a dollar if I were loaded to the hilt. I really would . I would LOVE To do that. I would give it away to someone that had 7 kids she hates african american people. They don't put up with people like her. They are proud and strong people and don't tolerate people with ignorance. I read Maya Angelou's poetry she is a strong black woman. I want to be like her. Although I will never be black I want to be strong and confident. I named my daughter after her. I know she is gonna be something special.

Right now as we speak, my nieghbor's garage light (which she is turning off and on - it shines into my bedroom window) what she doesn't know is I bought about 4 curtains EXTRA thick to keep her dumb light out.

She is a bully I am gonna let God deal with her. I have thought about suing her for my hospitalization she ought to pay it she contemptibly antagonizes me but now it so doesn't bother me. My priorities are straight I cried today, I corrected her on my weight. She was wrong about that. I could be neater  true .... I need help in that area.... but God's word says I am a wonderful and marvelous creation. God don't make no junk. You are a wonderful and marvelous creation. I was so upset earlier. Now I just feel sorry for her. The bitterness and anger that she has and drowning it in alchohol. What a sad exsistence. She called me a pill popper too. I can't help it. My therapist asked " think about the things you can change and the things you cannot change ..." I will ALWAYS be on meds for the rest of my life if I want to live a healthy life in my mind ....it might make my liver fail but I would rather live a full life mentally and be stable than be sad all the time and kill myself in the process of trying to live longer. I wasn't happy before. 

You have to make peace. Jesus gives me peace. Today- I put up my Christmas stuff. If I have to live her under these circumstances being bullied by her I want to keep Jesus around me close to my heart.

Oh you know what. All this bullying is causing nightmares about my childhood. My daughter put some rosary beads on my pillow the other nights I was having a terrible dream and woke with them in my hand ... How is that possible ? Angels or my mother in law. It was hers. Thats my only guess,  I am guessing it was momma. 

Well love to all who read this and I bid you peace. I recommend a book " A Wrinkle in Time" very cool ! read it or share it with your children ages 8 and up. VERY ADVENTUROUS 3 Kids looking for their dad well 2 of the childrens dad..... bye now ! 

Well I Went Into The Hospital

The stress got to be too much, and I had to go. I was letting everything in the whole world get to me and so I needed to go. The ADD meds were aggravating my condition also and making me irritable and they took me off of them and so I am now free and clear of all stimulants but not focused. I am very forgetful but not irritable so I don't know which is better. I guess not being so darn mad.

I had to go when I went in I was ready to kick my neighbors ass and let me tell you that was NOT a good feeling. Yesterday she spoke to me about some papers in my driveway that I usually tell my son to p/u on trash day. She said to me " Do you mind if I pick up the trash in your yard it would make our neighborhood look just a little bit nicer ?", and I said Yes! On the way out of the drive way that day I had my son pick them up and gave her a wave and she waved back, at least I think she wasn't flipping me off and I was pleased with myself for not being so angry at her. I was afforded by my shrink to go to a 'home' if I didn't straighten out and stop letting my anger control me. I had to figure out what was more important in life. Anger or living and it is difficult to stop old habits. I know that much. I do know my family is more important though.

My kids rarely listen to my husband it is like they tune him out. I haven't figured that out yet. I don't know why. He doesn't interact with them though unless he is asking them to do something. He never colors with them or anything. He watches T.V. and plays computer and that is it. He is always doing technology and it is rare he is playing a game unless we are going to bring it to the bedroom. He is not active and he is depressed. He needs to see his doctor for depression. He won't listen to me though. I think his testerone is low or however you spell it. I am going to do a spell check lol ~ . He is down down down.

God help us all we struggle and barely make it and life is hard somehow every once and awhile something gives us a purple purpose and mine is my children.  I love them so darn much. They are my life and my breathe. I read my Bible yesterday it was good. Hard for me to concentrate. Doing full blown school Monday YAY !!!!