Parenting Sucks

Kids don't come with manuals.  They don't come with directions and no one surely never treated me like a person when I was a kid except for maybe one or two people that I can think of my birth mother and someone that acted like a human being to me and I think very highly of her.  She protected me from the evil step-mother.  They used to jokingly call me 'cinderella' and make me do their bidding.  I did EVERYTHING for them.  I dealt with it, if I dared complained I was beaten, or worse.  I carry the hurt within me.  I never thought the yelling was so bad though.  Until, until my daughter told me how scared she was of me, the other day I tried to get her to dance with me and she thought she was in trouble.  I can't believe it but my kids are scared of me.  They are just like I was scared of my wicked step-mother, maybe not as bad but they are scared. I feel terrible about it and the only thing I can do is change the yelling, and terrifying them with threats that I heard growing up.  I should have been so lucky but I can only break the cycle that I had up until I was grown.  Yes its true, until the age of 18 I heard threats, and I don't like to say it but " if you don't quit looking at me like that I'll knock those eyes out of your head" comments were made.  I am not going to say things like that anymore to my kids.  I should never have done that but I did.  I never laid a hand on them but the words hurt none the less and whoever said they didn't was a liar !!!!  I am ashamed and am and have not done any more threats to them just talked them through things.  I hate my life right now because I have hurt my kids and I feel the guilt and shame of it.  I so wish I could take their pain away.  I talked it over with my son's therapist and she was very supportive.  I am thankful for that.

Well Thanksgiving has come and gone

I was pleasantly surprised to see it go, it went quite uneventfully at my house.  The kids, hubbie and self ate quietly at the table without a fuss.  Everything turned out great.  I wanted to talk to my family in Texas but as usual they are always too busy to have any time to talk especially on a holiday.  They were running orders of how to chop and cut up things and it just made me sad.  Of course they probably don't get it not even a little bit because they have each other.
 I did get to talk to little bro tho, he sounded good and his wife she sounds really sweet.  I talked to my sister also the day before but was in a bad mood and it was a good thing she had to go into work because I would not have been fun to talk to. 

I made 6 pies 2 chocolate, 2 sweet potato, and 2 coconut they rocked well the sweet potato ones were bland but the others were out of this world ! 

I think our little family had fun, I got stressed having to do most of the cooking but when I needed extra hands my kids were right there for me.  I am so grateful for them, I have a beautiful family right here in front of me and who needs anyone else when you have the best ?  They are irreplaceable for sure! got to go not going to complain about what other people can't appreciate, ME =) ! ha

I got baptized yesterday

I got baptized yesterday and it was the most amazing thing to me.  I go to the Church of Christ and it was amazing because he preached about the love of God and how we are forgiven and changed in the blood of Christ and not the same person and I was convicted and crying because I wanted to be that.  I know for a fact I have not been living for the Lord or doing what God wants me to do. It is very obvious to me I was doing what I wanted not what God expected  of me .  I accepted Christ as my Saviour and then they immedietly baptized me afterwards and it was so cold I was so embarrassed I was making all kinds of faces because the water was NOT warm but freezing and I had to get on my knees which was hard for me I don't like doing that I did though. and got dunked under the water and it was awesome. I only wish my husband could have seen me there getting baptized it would have been cool he might have been proud I don't know. I just wish he would have been there. He won't come though so I understand after everything churches have put me through telling me i was healed or a total loser or they " didn't know what was 'in' me " I have heard it all. I think this though is the real thing and I am giving it a chance God willing I will learn the truth and not give up without it. My kids are learning too and I am proud of them and want them to grow in Christ.  I really think Topher is being called now and he knows it but is scared.  I can feel it in my spirit.  I think my papa must prayed for me to get baptized he must have worried  about me and my faith.    I love God always have but didn't understand the faith that I need to have to be a Christian.  I think I am going to start studying the Bible for sure to understand it better so I can know what I need to and make sense of  it .   I am going to be the mother I need to be and pray that I stop being so mouthy when I am angry, as I can be.... I must change.  I have given up smoking now as of yesterday and praising God for it I haven't really had too many bad cravings.  I am thankful that God delivers us from our sin and helps us and is our Father.  I am forever grateful.  I have been trying to quit smoking forever and I think this is the time when I am done with it. Praise God !  I don't want to smoke any more .  My husband has been begging me and angry because I wouldn't stop smoking and I am done with it finally.  He needs to know the glory needs to go to the Lord not anyone else. I am finally a child of God. I belong to someone finally the Lord has taken me under his wing and it feels good.  I hurt a lot growing up trying to fit in with people and stuff and it never worked, not now I just have God to fit in with..... I am so Greatful to a lady I met from the hospital.  They say never NEVER to make friends with people from the hospital but she has been such a blessing to me I would NEVER think of going back and undoing it.  She has gotten my family back into church and loving the Lord and respecting his day and worshiping him and my daughter actually opened her Bible ( she was anti-God) it is like a light has come on in her. I am so grateful to my girlfriend !  What a difference she has made to me and my family.  I know the Lord has used her mightily and I am so thankful !!!! I know that even though she might not see the goodness in herself it is there and what a precious person she is to me .  I am so thankful . That is all there is to it.  I prayed to God that I would run across her again and I did and we exchanged numbers and we have became fast friends and she takes us to church on Sunday. It is wonderful and I really enjoy it..... I am thankful for sure ! I have a lot to learn .... but am willing . I think that is the important thing.  I never told my husband I was even baptized because I am not sure how he would react.  I just felt the call on my heart and went for it. It was strong and so I listened you don't not listen to God when He calls you for sure !  I left my seat on the pew and walked up to the front and sat down  and the preacher asked me if I believed if Jesus was the Son of God and I said "I do" I always have.  I always will. No matter what but this time was different because His blood covered me and I am His child now.  Nothing but the Blood of Jesus !!!!   My hip is hurting , and it is really bad and I have to go I hope you have enjoyed my blog today.  It was long winded and my chihuaha needs me to love on him too so I have to go he is whining. I know he is being a baby. He is my little ferocious beastie.