I just found out that when I married my husband we together had 85,000 dollars saved up.
He had it when he met me. He had paid off 15,000 dollars of my debt but I did not know
that he had more in savings . He never said ANYTHING about it. We would spend money
LIKE WATER, I thought it was because of his paycheck. NOT because of his savings. I
was so stupid. He was rich and I was a fool. I don't know anything about money and
I feel so fucking guilty now. I don't ever want to spend another dime of his money without
asking. I don't ever want to. I am not ever going on a shopping "spree" with the kids. Or
being tricked into going somewhere with them. It is terrible they do it all the time giving me
ideas, my son does it especially. Like when I had the credit card, he said "lets go to World
Market" and I ended up buying a bunch of stuff for my husband and some wine. I am going
have some in a minute. I don't know what to do. I am so ashamed of myself all these years of
making these collasal purchases and not caring because I thought "we make a lot of money"
and he "looks at porn" I'll get him back. Ugh what a pig I am ! You see how it is what a
selfish bitch I am ? I thought I was showing him and I wasn't I was only hurting the family.
I can't believe it. I can't I need to stop smoking and do it for real. I need to I wish the patches
at the pharmacy stuck better. They don't ! I am so frustrated when I don't smoke. I get
so upset. I get so fucking irritated and discumbobulated. Yes I said it ! I am going to write a
book about my life called " If They Called Me Cinderella Where The Hell Was My Fairy
Godmother ?" I think that is a great title. I was called that as a child. I hated those fuckers,
they haven't changed either. I know it. Self involved is what they are and I can't even call
them family. They fucking brought me up and I can't count on them for shit. It is ridiculous.
I will have to send my kids to Belgium in the event of my death. Is that not pathetic? I am in
such a bad mood right now I could shit a brick. I am going to go get that glass of wine.
a hearty GRRRR And a good bye FUCK ! I just feel like crawling under a rock right now.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
I am trying to bring my children up the right way and fuck up all the time
I went and had an EMDR session with my tdoc yesterday. It was super hard. SUPER difficult because I talked about all the beatings I got and being called "Cinderella" and and how it was so mean of Leska to just fucking haul off and knock the shit out of me. I don't abuse my children. I loose my temper sometimes but I don't do even do half the things that was done to me. I am a yeller, cold and true. I yell a lot but they don't listen AT ALLLLLLLL. They take advantage of the fact that I am afraid to discipline them and take advantage of my fear to go too far.
They know I am afraid I am going to loose my temper. So they ignore me and my husband. It sucks. My husband read from the Bible today and actually got through to my son. He talked about Jesus' life on this earth and how he did things it was really cool. I was proud of my husband. He rocks. He is a dad like I wish I would have had for myself . My therapist says that we marry people that can fulfill a need in ourselves and heal something that needs to be healed and I think when I married him I saw someone that could be a good father to my children. His gentleness speaks volumes to me. He is very charismatic also. He is a strong man and not because he is macho but because he lets his strength come from within not from his fists. (Like a lot of men I have known in my lifetime...) I don't like fighters. I am an asswhooper if I need to be and I don't like to be a fighter but don't back me into a corner because you will have a fight on your hands.
We got our $50 for the car so we have gotten paid $100 toward the Buick that we sold the lady and her husband but I don't like how I act around them or how they threatened to spank my son- they said they were joking and it pissed me off. And then said "is he going to go all 'columbine on us with a gun ?" I didn't think that was FUNNY at all. My son suffers from depression. I don't think waving a switch at a child is funny especially when he just saw him (Rob) beat the little girl with it. NO WAY
Anyway, I have had a hard couple of days, my son said I was holding a grudge on him for saying I abuse him which I didn't the day after I wrote out some of the abuse from Leska. I believe that shit came straight from hell, trying to depress me. I had a panic attack in CiCi's pizza and started sweating inside and panting and had to get the hell out of there it was so crowded. My son had them sing my daughter happy birthday she turned 9 yesterday, but I couldn't stay inside. I had to get out. I HAD TO. I dunno it was all too much. And of course we HAD to go pick up the money from the lady's house but at least she gave it to us. That I know she didn't really have it. We needed it too. We had to get a credit card for emergencies. I have to get some Geodon and Vyvanse or something I am almost out of my meds I have been taking another add pill it works pretty well in spite of the fact it is old.
I hate today I need to clean, and mop and do all sorts of shit and I am so stressed out the kids are going outside so maybe I will get stuff done.
You know the words to "pretty pretty please if you ever think you are less than perfect.... by pink?" well that was me growing up. Definately I don't do spell checks on this thing either I keep getting red lines on this and it is not because I don't care but I am so stressed I just skip over them. I am a perfectionist by a long stretch and it is hard for me to let things go. I have OCD and have to clean with bleach thanks to Leska and make everything JUST perfect or I go bonkers and if I can't do it perfect I won't do it right I won't do it at all. So a lot of the time my house stays messy. I get so stressed from it. I hate my life sometimes. I have passed my OCD to my son. I hate that the computer software highlights OCD. It is a real diagnosis and word. Doesn't it get updated ? dumbass software... doesn't even know the word dumbass. or is dumb ass two words oh it is two. When I say it , it is spoken as one LMAO..... I have to get to cleaning . I have a lot to do. I hear the kids fighting and my husband yelling "STOP IT" and I want a divorce and to get my disability and to fucking not be a mother anymore and to move the fuck out sometimes. Did you guys know that now I home school BOTH my kids ? My daughter got sexually harassed at school and I determined after 3 years of this shit happening (in a row) that she was NOT safe there that they could go fuck themselves and took her ass out. The other two K-5 she was held down by two boys and her dress was continually looked under and her teacher called her a liar. in Both first grades her dress was looked under (she repeated) and in 2nd a boy rubbed his pelvis on her pubic or VAGINA well her and another girl's... and I don't know WHERE the teacher was because this was IN the CLASSROOM. Plus there is a fucking bully that is constantly pushing and kicking her and I had enough of him.
I am done with district 5 and told the superintendent that they can all go fuck themselves ... I pray to God we move .
I am mad. Having a shitty day and going to take a clonadine the computer doesn't recognize that word either . ugh. I hate going to therapy and talking about shit that is traumatic. It ruins me when it is painful. It just hurts like hell and I am having the worst time. I can't even enjoy anything smoking is sucky too everyone is fighting and crying and not getting along and I am ready to give up.
They know I am afraid I am going to loose my temper. So they ignore me and my husband. It sucks. My husband read from the Bible today and actually got through to my son. He talked about Jesus' life on this earth and how he did things it was really cool. I was proud of my husband. He rocks. He is a dad like I wish I would have had for myself . My therapist says that we marry people that can fulfill a need in ourselves and heal something that needs to be healed and I think when I married him I saw someone that could be a good father to my children. His gentleness speaks volumes to me. He is very charismatic also. He is a strong man and not because he is macho but because he lets his strength come from within not from his fists. (Like a lot of men I have known in my lifetime...) I don't like fighters. I am an asswhooper if I need to be and I don't like to be a fighter but don't back me into a corner because you will have a fight on your hands.
We got our $50 for the car so we have gotten paid $100 toward the Buick that we sold the lady and her husband but I don't like how I act around them or how they threatened to spank my son- they said they were joking and it pissed me off. And then said "is he going to go all 'columbine on us with a gun ?" I didn't think that was FUNNY at all. My son suffers from depression. I don't think waving a switch at a child is funny especially when he just saw him (Rob) beat the little girl with it. NO WAY
Anyway, I have had a hard couple of days, my son said I was holding a grudge on him for saying I abuse him which I didn't the day after I wrote out some of the abuse from Leska. I believe that shit came straight from hell, trying to depress me. I had a panic attack in CiCi's pizza and started sweating inside and panting and had to get the hell out of there it was so crowded. My son had them sing my daughter happy birthday she turned 9 yesterday, but I couldn't stay inside. I had to get out. I HAD TO. I dunno it was all too much. And of course we HAD to go pick up the money from the lady's house but at least she gave it to us. That I know she didn't really have it. We needed it too. We had to get a credit card for emergencies. I have to get some Geodon and Vyvanse or something I am almost out of my meds I have been taking another add pill it works pretty well in spite of the fact it is old.
I hate today I need to clean, and mop and do all sorts of shit and I am so stressed out the kids are going outside so maybe I will get stuff done.
You know the words to "pretty pretty please if you ever think you are less than perfect.... by pink?" well that was me growing up. Definately I don't do spell checks on this thing either I keep getting red lines on this and it is not because I don't care but I am so stressed I just skip over them. I am a perfectionist by a long stretch and it is hard for me to let things go. I have OCD and have to clean with bleach thanks to Leska and make everything JUST perfect or I go bonkers and if I can't do it perfect I won't do it right I won't do it at all. So a lot of the time my house stays messy. I get so stressed from it. I hate my life sometimes. I have passed my OCD to my son. I hate that the computer software highlights OCD. It is a real diagnosis and word. Doesn't it get updated ? dumbass software... doesn't even know the word dumbass. or is dumb ass two words oh it is two. When I say it , it is spoken as one LMAO..... I have to get to cleaning . I have a lot to do. I hear the kids fighting and my husband yelling "STOP IT" and I want a divorce and to get my disability and to fucking not be a mother anymore and to move the fuck out sometimes. Did you guys know that now I home school BOTH my kids ? My daughter got sexually harassed at school and I determined after 3 years of this shit happening (in a row) that she was NOT safe there that they could go fuck themselves and took her ass out. The other two K-5 she was held down by two boys and her dress was continually looked under and her teacher called her a liar. in Both first grades her dress was looked under (she repeated) and in 2nd a boy rubbed his pelvis on her pubic or VAGINA well her and another girl's... and I don't know WHERE the teacher was because this was IN the CLASSROOM. Plus there is a fucking bully that is constantly pushing and kicking her and I had enough of him.
I am done with district 5 and told the superintendent that they can all go fuck themselves ... I pray to God we move .
I am mad. Having a shitty day and going to take a clonadine the computer doesn't recognize that word either . ugh. I hate going to therapy and talking about shit that is traumatic. It ruins me when it is painful. It just hurts like hell and I am having the worst time. I can't even enjoy anything smoking is sucky too everyone is fighting and crying and not getting along and I am ready to give up.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
I am seriously fed up
I dunno I don't know what to do anymore with my kids my life and tonight I seriously considered overdosing on Saphris. It only takes so much. I am tired of my husband fussing at me about money and other bullshit every time I turn around he is bitching about something. I went out tonight and filled his prescription at midnight prior to the gas going through on the check card so that he could have his test strips for his diabetic meter and left my ck card in the bag I am done with it.
I am sick of his shit. Today he went to his regular doctor and he (doctor) prescribed him Remeron which is a mood stabilizer and a sleep medication and Cymbalta. That technically should REALLY only be prescribed by a psychiatrist. They should regulate WHO can prescribe medication like that because it is not known by a FAMILY physician what it can do to your liver function nor anything else nor do they monitor your depression like a shrink. The FUCKER. I was pissed. He is so fucking stupid they both are my husband for letting him and the doctor for doing it. I told him before he went to Belgium to go to the shrink but does he listen ? NO. I guess if he had cancer he would just die. He is so frustrating. He tells me I make him feel dirty because HE WAS RAPED. I did not KNOW.... how can I prevent MY ACTIVITIES if he does NOT TELL me ? how ? huh? someone answer me ? A woman in her sexual climax has needs and especially if they are not being met. I am so sexually frustrated and have men hitting on me and he wants me to roll over and play dead he won't so much as even kiss me because I smoke so that makes me want to smoke MORE OH MY GOD ! I am so fucking pissed right now I could scream.
I am so fucking tired of this the kids the house everything I just want to leave and be alone. I am tired of all the fighting and arguing and everying. I got into it with my neighbor and started telling her that if "she thought she was 'big enough' to come into my yard so I could kick her ass. She started it though by yelling across the street from her front porch at me to "SLOW DOWN" and it was on honey ! I let years of word VOMIT pour from my mouth. I even called her daughter a whore. She used to be a really good girl and I don't know what the hell happened. I love her but I saw her locally and she looked like something from a porno movie and it scared me. I have watched them mind you but I never saw the girl in that light I mean she used to watch my children. I dunno it is hard to see someone you care about end up getting kicked out of school and loose her life over a mistake like being caught with an ounce of watered down alchohol when she used to be a cheerleader and honor student and had the world in the palm of her hand and she is so brilliant !
I can't believe the things I said in front of my children but it was like I was letting all the abuse that woman has given me over the years, all that I have put up with out and I just gave it back and I don't feel good about it but I don't feel terrible about it either. I can't even sleep. I went on a joy ride tonight through downtown the bad part and saw two youths and they just happend to be of colour and the cops were at a stop light and I got OUT of my car and I asked them "Did you see them" and they said "YES" and kept on driving.... what a bunch of paid dorks .... typical. Not because the guys were of colour but because they were cops. USELESS. Typical cops. NOT doing their jobs. FAT and useless. If the doughnut shop around the corner would have been on fire or been held up ..they would have been there. What a bunch of losers I should have gotten their squad car number but I was too tired. It is in the morning now and I can hear that son of a bitch snoring and that is why I couldn't sleep in the first place. I went to the couch. He pissed me off by saying " I am NOT GETTING A CASH ADVANCE" I didn't ask him to now did I ? I did not ! I sure as hell didn't. What a dork. I am tired of him
Wednesday he yelled at me for my son leaving chicken bones in the seat in the back of the car. He SERIOUSLY could have just said that he wanted me to pick them up and told me to get them when I came in. I would have instead he started in on me the minute he brought the bags in from Dollar General.... I was like Quit your job if it is that stressful but don't take your shit out on me I am sick of it. I am I seriously am. I have really thought about I am starting to dislike him as much as I did mark. He was a really big bastard. He really hurt me (current husband) when he told me I made him feel dirty and we haven't had sex in YEARS for this thing and He has held shit against me without telling me and I am sick of it I want to move out and I have NO WHERE to go and I am stuck. I want a fucking divorce I can't take living like this. I am really feeling suicidal and the kids are driving me crazy and he doesn't listen he changes the subject when I try to talk to him and I just get NO support. I hate the kids now they act like brats spoiled brats I mean I love them because they are MY kids but they are never satisfied. Nothing is ever good enough for instance. My daughter threw her littlest pet shoppe people in the room where the dog had diarheaha after a storm in the SE and it was a terrible one with hail and lightening and who knows what it even knocked down trees. my dog got terribly sick from nerves. She got mad when I asked her to pick up her toys and instead of putting the stuff up she threw all her stuff on top of the poop. I sanitized it and gave it to a friends daughter who plays with them now. After all I had $100 left and spent it on the kids and she didn't appreciate it when I did. So that was her punishment. I don't spank because I was abused NOW all she does is pout when I ask her if she would like to replace her littlest pet shoppe people. I bought her some knock offs today and she got all pouty "they weren't the real thing. I told her , not all your other ones were the real thing and you didn't mind what is the problem.
My son today did something nice for me he cleaned of the back deck totally and put the umbrella and a rug out there some flowers I had and stuff. It looks terrific I hope he can move tomorrow. He said he killed 3 spider webs in the grass and there was BLOOD.... white webs. YUCK. That is what happens when you live in the country.
So what am I supposed to do ? I can't go to my shrink next week. I hate my life and I want to leave I am sick of my husband he is hurting me yet I love him. I want NO one else but want to be happy. I am sick of fighting and know if I don't fix me it will just happen again with someone else I think... He is just fucking STUCK UP. Poshy. I dunno. I have done it HIS WAY all these years if I talk too loud he shhh's me if I do that he tells me to do that if I don't do it a certain thing. I should have known that night I wore that purple dress to the french restaraunt and the flip flops and he got all pissed off that he was an asshole and too pissy to be with. I should have known.
Do any of you remember that song from the 80's the one the girls sings it about the guy telling her to be quiet. That is how I feel. I can be sitting on the front porch and he is always telling me "I don't want to talk about that" I don't want to _____" Hush Hush Voices Carry... that is the song. That is it exactly.What the fuck. I have tattoos Why can't he accept me for me he burps and farts and is hairy and doesn't brush his teeth and didn't use deoderant when I met him but he learned. He has to go to the pharmacy and get antibiotics prior to cleanings his teeth are so bad I will NOT french kiss him. I hardly kiss him at all. He right now makes me ill.. I don't know how to raise my kids I have no fucking body to talk to . I asked my sister to call me ... Did she ? NO . I am helping support another family, they are broke as hell and I think it is putting a strain on my marriage. I just need a break.I need a break.from everything. I want to run fucking away. die or something it is getting to that point and I just got out of the fucking hospital.What is happening..I really loved my husband when I married him and it has all gone to hell in a handbasket. He says he loves me but I think he just feels sorry for me . I can't even cry anymore. My dead dog is the only one that understood me. That is sad HE GOT ME. Jesus gets me why can't he talk to me ? huh. Why can't Jesus talk to me ? I need that one on one from the Lord. ugh fuck it good-bye the bastard is getting up gtg
I am sick of his shit. Today he went to his regular doctor and he (doctor) prescribed him Remeron which is a mood stabilizer and a sleep medication and Cymbalta. That technically should REALLY only be prescribed by a psychiatrist. They should regulate WHO can prescribe medication like that because it is not known by a FAMILY physician what it can do to your liver function nor anything else nor do they monitor your depression like a shrink. The FUCKER. I was pissed. He is so fucking stupid they both are my husband for letting him and the doctor for doing it. I told him before he went to Belgium to go to the shrink but does he listen ? NO. I guess if he had cancer he would just die. He is so frustrating. He tells me I make him feel dirty because HE WAS RAPED. I did not KNOW.... how can I prevent MY ACTIVITIES if he does NOT TELL me ? how ? huh? someone answer me ? A woman in her sexual climax has needs and especially if they are not being met. I am so sexually frustrated and have men hitting on me and he wants me to roll over and play dead he won't so much as even kiss me because I smoke so that makes me want to smoke MORE OH MY GOD ! I am so fucking pissed right now I could scream.
I am so fucking tired of this the kids the house everything I just want to leave and be alone. I am tired of all the fighting and arguing and everying. I got into it with my neighbor and started telling her that if "she thought she was 'big enough' to come into my yard so I could kick her ass. She started it though by yelling across the street from her front porch at me to "SLOW DOWN" and it was on honey ! I let years of word VOMIT pour from my mouth. I even called her daughter a whore. She used to be a really good girl and I don't know what the hell happened. I love her but I saw her locally and she looked like something from a porno movie and it scared me. I have watched them mind you but I never saw the girl in that light I mean she used to watch my children. I dunno it is hard to see someone you care about end up getting kicked out of school and loose her life over a mistake like being caught with an ounce of watered down alchohol when she used to be a cheerleader and honor student and had the world in the palm of her hand and she is so brilliant !
I can't believe the things I said in front of my children but it was like I was letting all the abuse that woman has given me over the years, all that I have put up with out and I just gave it back and I don't feel good about it but I don't feel terrible about it either. I can't even sleep. I went on a joy ride tonight through downtown the bad part and saw two youths and they just happend to be of colour and the cops were at a stop light and I got OUT of my car and I asked them "Did you see them" and they said "YES" and kept on driving.... what a bunch of paid dorks .... typical. Not because the guys were of colour but because they were cops. USELESS. Typical cops. NOT doing their jobs. FAT and useless. If the doughnut shop around the corner would have been on fire or been held up ..they would have been there. What a bunch of losers I should have gotten their squad car number but I was too tired. It is in the morning now and I can hear that son of a bitch snoring and that is why I couldn't sleep in the first place. I went to the couch. He pissed me off by saying " I am NOT GETTING A CASH ADVANCE" I didn't ask him to now did I ? I did not ! I sure as hell didn't. What a dork. I am tired of him
Wednesday he yelled at me for my son leaving chicken bones in the seat in the back of the car. He SERIOUSLY could have just said that he wanted me to pick them up and told me to get them when I came in. I would have instead he started in on me the minute he brought the bags in from Dollar General.... I was like Quit your job if it is that stressful but don't take your shit out on me I am sick of it. I am I seriously am. I have really thought about I am starting to dislike him as much as I did mark. He was a really big bastard. He really hurt me (current husband) when he told me I made him feel dirty and we haven't had sex in YEARS for this thing and He has held shit against me without telling me and I am sick of it I want to move out and I have NO WHERE to go and I am stuck. I want a fucking divorce I can't take living like this. I am really feeling suicidal and the kids are driving me crazy and he doesn't listen he changes the subject when I try to talk to him and I just get NO support. I hate the kids now they act like brats spoiled brats I mean I love them because they are MY kids but they are never satisfied. Nothing is ever good enough for instance. My daughter threw her littlest pet shoppe people in the room where the dog had diarheaha after a storm in the SE and it was a terrible one with hail and lightening and who knows what it even knocked down trees. my dog got terribly sick from nerves. She got mad when I asked her to pick up her toys and instead of putting the stuff up she threw all her stuff on top of the poop. I sanitized it and gave it to a friends daughter who plays with them now. After all I had $100 left and spent it on the kids and she didn't appreciate it when I did. So that was her punishment. I don't spank because I was abused NOW all she does is pout when I ask her if she would like to replace her littlest pet shoppe people. I bought her some knock offs today and she got all pouty "they weren't the real thing. I told her , not all your other ones were the real thing and you didn't mind what is the problem.
My son today did something nice for me he cleaned of the back deck totally and put the umbrella and a rug out there some flowers I had and stuff. It looks terrific I hope he can move tomorrow. He said he killed 3 spider webs in the grass and there was BLOOD.... white webs. YUCK. That is what happens when you live in the country.
So what am I supposed to do ? I can't go to my shrink next week. I hate my life and I want to leave I am sick of my husband he is hurting me yet I love him. I want NO one else but want to be happy. I am sick of fighting and know if I don't fix me it will just happen again with someone else I think... He is just fucking STUCK UP. Poshy. I dunno. I have done it HIS WAY all these years if I talk too loud he shhh's me if I do that he tells me to do that if I don't do it a certain thing. I should have known that night I wore that purple dress to the french restaraunt and the flip flops and he got all pissed off that he was an asshole and too pissy to be with. I should have known.
Do any of you remember that song from the 80's the one the girls sings it about the guy telling her to be quiet. That is how I feel. I can be sitting on the front porch and he is always telling me "I don't want to talk about that" I don't want to _____" Hush Hush Voices Carry... that is the song. That is it exactly.What the fuck. I have tattoos Why can't he accept me for me he burps and farts and is hairy and doesn't brush his teeth and didn't use deoderant when I met him but he learned. He has to go to the pharmacy and get antibiotics prior to cleanings his teeth are so bad I will NOT french kiss him. I hardly kiss him at all. He right now makes me ill.. I don't know how to raise my kids I have no fucking body to talk to . I asked my sister to call me ... Did she ? NO . I am helping support another family, they are broke as hell and I think it is putting a strain on my marriage. I just need a break.I need a break.from everything. I want to run fucking away. die or something it is getting to that point and I just got out of the fucking hospital.What is happening..I really loved my husband when I married him and it has all gone to hell in a handbasket. He says he loves me but I think he just feels sorry for me . I can't even cry anymore. My dead dog is the only one that understood me. That is sad HE GOT ME. Jesus gets me why can't he talk to me ? huh. Why can't Jesus talk to me ? I need that one on one from the Lord. ugh fuck it good-bye the bastard is getting up gtg
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)