I think I may have lost my dearest friend I am not sure

I say I think I may have lost my dearest friend she texted me tonight but before that she called me a hateful bitch for writing something to a guy friend of hers that is a wiener. Not a winner a wiener. I don't like him so I said something smartass to him on her facebook page which was unneccessarry  or however you spell it it is like 12 at night so my brain is fried.  I dunno she got mad at me and let me know real quick that she was fed up with me smoking and some other things that didn't really make sense since she doesn't live near me or with me.  I just don't get it but am hoping since she sent me a humble text of "did you see any trick or treaters tonight" that it is truce time for both of us, I let her have it back and I wasn't very nice either actually I was a very big BITCH back and regret it totally. I got backed into the corner and it's like I said in the email to her if it is fight of flight I am going to fight. I am mean when I need to be and I don't like myself that way.  I am and can be so ugly and boy was I ever so mean and ugly I need to repent before God and her, I sent her another email doing just that. If she will hear what I have to say. No matter if some of what I said is true or not it needed not to be said you know ? some things are better left unsaid.  I should just keep my big ass mouth shut for sure.

I met a lady from one of my hospital stays she has a son the same age as mine. They get along quite well. I dunno if my other friend feels like she is being replaced because she isn't she never could be.  She is too precious.  She is my sister  always will be whether we speak or not I will always love her.  No matter what. I don't feel as upset as I did the day my bestest friend called me a hateful bitch that day I cried now I am over it.  I have kinda accepted the fact that she doesn't want to be my friend and if she did again I won't trust her the way I did before. Things won't ever be the same.  I can't explain why but it just caught me off gaurd for sure/ I am going to go smoke before I go to bed and crash. Church is tomorrow so got a busy day ahead it is after 1am and I am not going to get much sleep. oh well the price you pay for staying up and going to a haunted trail the night before halloween YIKES!

It feels like my family against the world

Without a support system you feel extremely alone, even when my husband and I married my supposed extended family was not interested in being supportive.  The response was " you have been married before so what is the big deal " .  We ended up in Las Vegas and that was our wedding -alone  we had fun but I would have loved to have someone there to walk me down the isle or something .  My best friend who is a cake designer made me a cake and it was gorgeous, we had that at grandma's house with a few people but it was not a big deal not like the party I had with the ass I was married to the first time.  What a shame that my husband never got to experience the fun of feeling popular like he should have. He really is a super guy, it was sad -someone even asked him " why do you want to marry her?  That really hurt.  I have not ever understood why she said that or butted in my marriage like that.  We have no one, not friends here or family and so you know you just have to suck it up and make do.  I have found that even having friends over for my kids is difficult - I don't know it's like we have been black balled LOL.  My son asked two friends from school and neither are coming over this weekend so it is us .  I am going to make this weekend fun darnit !  Who needs 'em ? I don't I 'll now be able to walk around in my gown and be happy yay !   Not putting on heirs and acting a certain way and having to lock up my chihuaha.   Who cares I don't ~ tired of people judging me for what they think I should be and not accepting me for who I am ! 

I may have met someone to do the coffee thing with we shall see ?  Not sure, put a platonic ad on craigs list for local coffee drinker no funny business.  We shall see .  She sounds nice enough. I am hoping so.  It would be good to make a new aquaintance.

So I have decided to volunteer

Yeah, I have wondered if my hospitalizations would show up on my 'record' because I have been committed before , the dirty secret is out omg.  That was years ago though when the shrinks that I had treated my medication like candy and gave it to me like I don't know what .  Lord knows I have had some crappy doctors.  Wells really sucked he was an ass, just stopped seeing me, said he couldn't treat me anymore left me high and dry.  I was in for a loo loo with that one.  Then well I can not say anymore because anyone might recognize the others but I have a good doctor now.  That is the important thing !

I have really quit smoking finally and it feels good, I am eating like a horse, or it feels like it but I feel peaceful about really giving it up.  I have been putting it down and picking it back up and so on and so forth it is hard to quit so don't ever start.  Its stinky and nasty and makes your breath and every fluid in your body taste like nicotine which is gross. YUCK ~   I am going to celebrate and buy some sweet smelling lavendar bath stuff or something at bath and body works because hubby likes it. 

I can't wait for Halloween,  I am going to be a witch- nose and warts it is going to be great !  I am going to hang out and hand out candy hopefully I will scare little kids moahhhhhhhh !

Uh Can't take the arguing

My kids have been going at it like crazy I don't know what is in the water.  I had to take a nerve pill today just to deal with the tension in my body.  I am going to the chiropractor tomorrow because my body is all in knots and talking things over with my therapist.  I feel stressed out over the fussing because I like peace in my house and it seems like the 'tween' in my house thinks he knows more than everyone.  Is this what I am in for ?  I am tiring of it and am at a loss of what to do.  There are books but when you are reading them what you really wanting to do is throw one not apply it. Then on top of that my face is breaking out.  Who needs acne in their 30's who ?   I didn't even have pimples when I was in high-school.  What kind of sick twisted joke is this in life.  Where did I go wrong ?  Well at least I don't have wrinkles, yet anyway... that is probably on its way.  I do have the "Mommy said NO lines on my forehead" and am greying around the edge of my hair but I earned that literally.  Oh and I love my afro, I am trying to grow my hair out and it is fabulous have you ever seen someone stick their finger in a light socket.  Me on a bad hair day yep !  My kids constantly pick on my hair.  I am seriously ready to shave my head (once again) and get another wig....and yes I have done that before too.  I am quite a piece of work I know a one of a kind original but that is me ...

So I try to make a new friend to no avail

I met someone through an aquaintance and she was o.k. online we chit chatted a bit here and there.  Then it progressed to texting which helped us to get to know each other a little better.  Well she and I had been tossing the idea of having coffee and a chat in person for awhile around so we set a date for today and  I gave it a go.  I fucking get almost all the way there calling her to tell her that I am running a little late only to recieve a text telling me that she " can't seem to make it because she can't pull herself away from the bathroom" what a crock of shit.  If  I have ever heard one. I mean she said she was an honest person and was pretty to the point about quite a few things but I mean if you didn't want to show up just say so.  I am so tired of flaky people. I have had one faithful friend in my 39 years and I guess that is how it is meant to be. I don't even care if no one reads my blog.  I am tired of crap, bullshit lying backbiting southern women who say one thing and do another.  It is ridiculous and so common around here.  They can all kiss my ass.

Had a great day yesterday

Had an appointment with therapist and it went very well.  I am down now to going every two weeks instead of every week which is cheaper and seem to do well in spite of going less.  I had a good day.  I am sometimes surprised to see how far I have come and it is nice when I get these surprises and can see the hills and mountains that have passed behind me.  It is really nice. I played a multiplication game with my son which got quite silly and had a good laugh with my daughter too. Both my children are the light of my life.  I am so surprised to see the growth that overcome in my life.  I have my moments but overall life is good and I am greatful for the peace. It is a blessing and I love it. I am nurturing myself when I nuture others is what my therapist said ... I am reparenting myself doing what my parents never did with me and it is working.  I feel pretty damn good about it too.  I am actually starting to feel burdens from the past being lifted and boy does that have mercy on my soul. gtg for now thanks for listening.

I think we live in a lonely world

A world of silence is one with with bi-polar. You can't really talk about it because it is such a no no taboo topic with so many people ... it is so stupid.   I don't think it is fair but what is right ?  It is like you have to keep your moods to yourself or else you are to be judged by others and by god if you feel suicidal or depressed or lonely shame on you.  We have no one to go to except the maybe 15 minutes with our shrink if that and if we are lucky enough to have health insurance to go to a counselor that we like to talk over our sometimes overdramatic emotions that rule us.  I know for me it sometimes does not make any sense. The lonliness engulfs me and then I have no one but my chihuaha to calm my nerves. Our medicine is to blame if we get out of sorts " did you take your medicine?" I hate fucking hearing that one..... it grates my everloving nerves.  That one is for the birds.  Yes a world of silence and personally I am sick of it. Why is it that we are called the abnormal ones with all the problems ? When did I get so labeled to be a freak ? I am tiring of it. I want friends that understand and I don't know if I will ever have anyone that can ever accept the whole tattooed, smoking, me that I am; but I am definately not a soccer mom.

No I don't think you could be called lazy at all !

Actually I could not fall asleep until 5am this morning and could not get the kids to school, my husband was kind enough to do it .  This task is usually my responsibility being that he works a super early morning shift but he did it without complaining and even brought me breakfast.  I can't ever seem to get motivated hardly so I would not call anyone lazy.  I don't know if I was trying to be provoked but I don't think I am anyone to be calling anyone lazy.  I am usually pretty unmotivated.  I do the minimal to get by and it sucks but the house stays clean with the help of cleaning ladies and I do the laundry and dishes almost everyday, go grocery shopping and make the meals so I do have a full schedule.  As for me calling anyone lazy no thank you.  I don't have a lot of friends to hang around to entertain it is just my family and I against the world.  For the first time in years my kids are doing well in school and we are actually semi-happy.  It is scary I have to say.  I don't know what to think.  Does anyone know what I mean it is like things are actually going good so you are afraid your bubble is gonna burst or something ? I don't know maybe I am not making any sense. I am going to read to my daughter's class today, maybe take some cookies too who knows if I can get the gumption to make them.   I need more coffee.  I hardly slept maybe two hours and this happens at least twice a week.  I have been trying to quit smoking but its hard when you wake up in the middle of  the night and don't have anything to do but listen to the radio outside and smoke. I don't do it in the house the little one has asthma and my husband is against me smoking altogether but tolerates it for my nerves.  I think this weekend me and my son are going to a haunted trail hay ride which will totally rock !   I am having a Halloween party for my son and daughter this year because he is doing so well in school this year. I am going to have pumpkin carving and games and ghost stories.... whoooo stole my golden arm? remember that one lol !

Hi, I am a 39 something year old mother of 2 who lives with bi-polar disorder.  I have tried to kill myself multiple times to no avail and have so come to the conclusion that life is actually worth living for a change.  It has taken me years to get to this point but if I can so can you.  I am tired of the news media plastering mentally ill people as sick-os who go and shoot up schools and then blame their mental illness.  There are more of us out here living with our disease and functioning normally and I intend to be the voice of that .  It is unfair to label those of us who struggle with past abuse, ptsd, ocd or whatever ailes us and be in a vat of excrement with those people whom can't and don't seem to control themselves for humanity.  Just because you have mental illness you aren't crazy.you aren't a murderer or a sick twisted person.  Yes those people exsist but are limited and are usually hospitialized in institutions right ?  I really want you to hear my story and believe that you too can overcome your obstacles !