I have to be honest, and it might help someone else to hear my story...You see when I was a kid age 5 or 6, my parents divorced. I was living with my mother, however she could not afford to keep me and had to let my dad have me. It was horrible, although I loved my dad I wanted to live with my mother, but he was not paying child support.  She had to get a job and could not keep me. She had it rough, we took taxis everywhere because no one taught her to drive ( she was German)... and she only spoke German to me. Oddly enough I still understand it :).  I dunno I moved in with my father and my step-mother Michelle, her two sons and Richie my step brother. It changed my life. What was my father thinking when he married a stripper , REALLY !  Her sons made me do bad things with them, and my step-brother Richie raped me. I don't call it molestation. I call it rape. Molestation is too nice of a word and those who this has happened to know what I mean. I know we live in a 'fallen' world so NO I do not blame God for what happened. It would not do any good to blame anyone. What good would that do ? It doesn't make what happened go away, or undo the pain.  I am just glad it is over that is all I can say. 

     Quite honestly, I have had a hard time dealing with the horror that happened. I have been in therapy since I was 19.  I guess I started after Richie called me and said, "I heard my little sis was married " ... I was  FURIOUS ! I immediately went into reactive mode, a thing that is all too comfortable to me and told him " I REMEMBER WHAT YOU DID".  I immediately hung up on him and was crying.  I was so incredibly livid. What nerve did HE have to call me and say that ? He is a pedophile for sure, I know I am not the only one he has hurt.  I remember one specific incidence where he said we were going to 'play a game'....It was NOT funny at all or fun. I am graciously blessed by God with two children after all this has happened to my body so I count myself lucky.   O.K. I am giving you a warning if some of you are squeamish then do not read any further. At age six (*Richie was 15) he put a water hose inside of my and turned it on full blast.


     I am writing this down, because for those of us who have unfortunately been abused by someone in whatever way, we not only have to deal with the initial trauma of the ABUSE but its consequences .  I have to say it makes me very angry. I have had to be in therapy for so many years I have lost count.   It isn't just the fact that I was raped,  by different people, my ex-husband or Richie . It isn't just the emotional damage something like that has caused.  People overlook the Physical Damage in later years....

     I do not know how I honestly had kids. You see after the physical trauma of the water hose and the many abusers that attacked me in my youth, I have Intercystial Cystitis ... It is having bladder leakage to the Nth degree. I am sorry for being  so graphic I pray it does someone some kind of good to know I am one of many unfortunately and for those of us who have suffered WE ARE NOT ALONE.  I have no control of my bladder and am in constant pain.  I used to be on pain medication but got addicted so I have just stopped with my shrink's help.  I as you may have noticed have a better perspective than in previous posts because I have a new outlook.  I have a good tdoc and she helps me a lot.  The style of therapy she does when we are trying to place a memory is EMDR and it is VERY EFFECTIVE.  I honestly say I hated DBT and this is much better. 

I want people to understand how I am having to have a hysterectomy from the mess that was made of my insides.  It angers me yes but I have to accept it. I have had problems for as long as I can remember.  It does no good to play the blame game either. I am 40 now and well I am realizing that I have to overcome and it is a fight and if I stay angry it is only going to continue giving him power over me and you know what I am done with that part of my life.  I refuse to let him or anyone else control me. It is why I can get so disagreeable. I don't like being jacked around and treated badly.  I have to say, not that it makes it alright but someone had to have done it to him.  Yes I believe  that  is NOT AN EXCUSE.  Rape is not about sex, but about power.  It just is.  The control was in his hands.  Anytime my father told him to leave me alone (Richard Sr. did not know until later ) or if Richie got into trouble over something he did to me.  I REMEMBER him looking at me and saying with his face and evil eyes ... "I am going to get you".  I remember him holding me under the bathwater when he gave me a bath. I remember him putting pillows over my face or stuffing HIS socks in my mouth.  

    None of this is acceptable, but what makes it even worse is - he told me "if you tell the devil is going to get you"... I even think from a blurry memory that he was in a black robed cult because I remember things happened there too.  That I will leave out.   I have a severely dark past thanks to those people who were supposed to care for me and didn't.  I do not understand I am THERE for my kids I don't expect them to do my house work or beat them or mistreat them.  I know I am not a perfect mother but I try to do better each day. The Lord knows I am a perfectionist, and was a former really dedicated "Type A" personality.  It is difficult to live up to all of that.

    Well you know I truly believe there is a lesson in EVERYTHING and well I will never, ever be able to use the gifts that God has given me if I am stuck in the past and I am 40 now and I must move on or all of this will kill me.  I am not saying ANY OF THE ABUSE WAS O.K. that is not my point. It surely was NOT !  I am saying it is time to let go of it.  I can't bring that innocent six year old back and fix it.  I can only stay in THE PRESENT.  I really am amazed I have two beautiful children and a great husband.  None of us are perfect but we love each other.  We truly do.   That is what counts, I am blessed for sure.  I did have two miscarriages yes, but after the divorce I got pregnant and met my current husband and then later we had my other child ... God is truly good.

     I wish I could say it is easy to let go of the pain, it isn't.  I have found the stages of grief are really true:   Shock and Denial, Pain and Guilt, Anger and Bargaining, Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness, The Upward Turn, Reconstruction and Working Through,  Acceptance and Hope.

I am glad to say I am in the " Reconstruction Phase"  and thankful.  Yes I have been severely abused by all the so called parents I had, not just my biological ones. I was living with a real foster family (although I think she had her license taken away ...)  and she was as mean as a rattler.  I can't go back and undo the damage she caused or any that anyone caused me.  I don't know how you guys feel, but it SUCKS.  I have had so much trauma to the head from being smacked around, I have been told I have brain damage.  I know you are saying "WHAT?" . How can someone with brain trauma make complete sentences ?  Well being smacked around is not good for anyone. Especially not a child whose brain is still growing.  All the serotonin was messed up from drug use in college ( I have been clean for over 20 years).  I was traumatized ever since birth and it was NOT until I was an adult and with my new husband that things started undoing themselves.

     With EVERY experience we have it makes a pathway for serotonin to flow if you hit a child in the head it affects the brain.  I have had car accidents and been abused even in my other marriage. (He was terrible).  I have had trauma until I was 26 and well that is a LONG time ... I had a crazy lady that changed the spelling of my name, wanted me to change it to India, and gave me her awful last name.  I was told this was so people would not question the legality of medical procedures. Who the heck knows?  I had another set of parents constantly telling me to behave or they were going to put me in a home.  When I was in college I met my first husband and well that was a huge mistake.  I began my drug use after I married him.  We didn't know the first thing about marriage, I was looking for security and I was considered "high maintenance property" to him. He called me crazy and took friends away and isolated me and made me TOTALLY DEPENDENT  on him. I then went on my own and explored my adulthood.  I have had EVERY kind of abuse there is.  I am a survivor not a "victim" anymore . I pray that for anyone who reads this and understands where I am coming from.  Man after my divorce I didn't even know how to get gas for pity's sake... sad huh ?

Well, I guess I have a lot to learn just like everyone else.  I am just grateful for good friends and family.  I am also truly thankful for God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit.  I have an appointment with a lady who has gifts similar to mine but knows how to use them. LOL .... I am going to get some advice from her and have a cleansing (spiritual )  No she is not going to cast spirits into me or out of me but it is an energy thing .  I don't think anyone would understand what I meant unless you have been explained and I can't so... I have spiritual gifts but not sure exactly how to use them. I desperately need training.

I am going to write another blog and hope someone out there got something out of me bearing my soul.

Take care all... t  





 

What Happened?

I will freely admit that I am a mess. A disheveled mass of atoms that has dissipated into oblivion as I approach my 40th birthday. I will also freely admit that Karma is a bitch as they say. I once called someone's son a little "bastard" and well someone that was painting my daughter's room told my son if he DARED touch any of the walls that were freshly painted that "He would strap my son to a tree and stick a corn cob on his 'pecker' and let the animals eat it." What the FUCK ?

I give up. I know the person doesn't like me. The time I called the kid a bastard he was berating me about throwing something that I thought to be overly religious and something I didn't really want to hear about and it offended him. Well Topher didn't do anything (except mess up a bathroom in my house by trying to be creative and well I LET HIM (?) and left the room when he messed it up so it was partially MY FAULT. I won't paint anymore and HE had no right to say that to a fucking child. end of story. I know he doesn't like me but I have done nothing but been respectful regardless of the crap his wife tells me. I think things but I do not say them to his face or anyone else. I just respect Amy and her family and care about them and would NOT say that to one of their kids.

I am hurt and tired and going to bed I think he has called several times but I can't speak to him. I just can't.WTF

I am sending Topher to camp though that is cool I wish I had the money to pay for it now. ugh. I am broke from paying them. It was worth it though they did a great job. I am not sure what will happen but I am hurt and numb
 

I HATE THIS

Attempting to get motivated is IMPOSSIBLE. I can't I don't want to do anything around the house I don't want to go anywhere EVERYONE is grumpy and I am mad because everything I do is for nothing. I hate housewife life and want a job that I could get paid for or to go back to college this life as a mother fucking sucks. I love my family but they are thankless human beings that gripe and fight and I want out.

I had Basia playing loud on the radio and it caused my husband to shout I can't EVEN hear myself TALK... so he turned it to where I can't even hardly hear it. Music motivates me. I am sick of living in a mess and frustrated with the fact that the people I want to serve the most I can't. I go anywhere in the house and it is messy I haven't lived like this since I was a kid. I HATE it.

I want to move out and be ALONE. It is not because I am not on medicine that I feel this way I just hate this bull shit and can't stand my life and feel stuck. Being a mother is the most THANKLESS job you can ever have. I know my attitude sucks right now but if you saw the lack of enthusiasm in my family when I ask them to do anything or the fact that they just do not listen well you would understand. The dog pooped on my bathroom floor, someone (one of my kids I am sure) covered it up with the bath mat and it is stuck into the tile now. I have to scrub the floor by hand now. I do not know where to start and am sick of all the fighting with them and my husband. Everyone is lazy including me and I can't do it alone. I have a 2800 sq foot home and can't clean it alone. My friend offers her services and I feel as though I am using her and even though I pay her it never feels like it is enough.

I am so sick of this shit.

I am leaving to go smoke then I will figure something out. I need to go back to college and educate myself with a trade that is the smartest thing I could do.

Well, I hate Mondays

Another Monday has come about and I checked my Face Book. I don't like my son's pastor telling me he won't apologize for getting him "on his knees" what a pompous ass. I never asked him to apologize for that I wanted an apology for him NOT having him call me.  That is O.K. karma ( which is real ) is a bitch and he has a son who in turn (am I dare cursing a man of God ? YES) will NOT call him when he goes out for the weekend with whomever . Just wait it is inevitable. I am going to call the Cops next time he has my son and doesn't have him call me. I didn't even know you could check where the kids were and what they were doing on Face book. I was never told that. Communication is key. When you have my kid damnit you better communicate.

I will let my son go to church again, that is where his friends are. I think it is good for him, however I won't let him go to another outing without first laying the law down with Chris his pastor. What kind of crap is that ?

He needs to take responsibility for not having kids call their parents and in this day and age you can't trust ANYONE.

I will tell you parents a story, in the 80's when "Godfather" the movie came out, my foster mother sent me to a "disney" movie which attracted a strange crowd. There was a man sitting across the aisle from me, greasy hair to his chin or longer straight brown hair, evil beady brown eyes and a white shirt and tan slacks. He looked like he had sex on his mind and I would know that because I had already been raped several times. I knew what he wanted (I am gifted) and as a child I didn't know about "sex" other than what was thrust upon me as a little girl.

So I am sitting in the back of the theatre 3 rows down and the bastard is staring at me... and staring and staring. I wave thinking he is going to leave me alone. I am scared to DEATH, my heart is pounding and I am breathing heavy, so I move- he moves I move he moves. Even though he is on the other aisle I remember it as clear as day. Finally I make a break for it and run to a mother and tell her there is a man chasing me. She looks at me dumbfounded and like I am crazy. I tear my ass off to the bathroom and the GUY follows me out of the theatre but I am too fast. He didn't know I went to the bathroom into a stall. I am sure he kidnapped kids. I never told ANYONE about that night. I hope Leska enjoyed her movie dumbass. I could have died.

This is WHY I don't trust anyone with my kids I don't like it when they go out I know what ADULTS are capable of . Death and destruction.  Watch your children and the adults they go with their very lives depend on it. Think I am overreacting ? You are mistaken. I lived it I have seen it. I am not saying be paranoid but ask questions and don't just assume "the best". Check on them, check on who their friends are. Deena and Steve may have been mean at times but they kept me safe for the first time in my life. I didn't get pregnant when I was at home or do drugs ( I waited until my first husband introduced me to that crap). There is something to be said for innocence which is so quickly lost nowadays. My kids unfortunately thanks to cable know about homosexuality. I don't care if you are gay, I love EVERYONE. I just would like things to be taught by me and not Charter Internet .... you know ? I am not sexual with my husband and it isn't because any other reason than it is the wrong time. I kiss him in private, I hug everyone openly.

I am going to smoke and then start all the crap that I have to do going to make a list. Too much to do and been up since 5 woke up at 3:30 husband was running to b/r every hour. Told him to go to the damn doc. Something is not "sitting right" in his body. I had a RA test Friday, I hope I find out what is wrong hands are swelling and hurting and stiff. Whole body is stiff getting older Sucks ass ! The aging part of the body does your improved attitude and not taking shit off anyone doesn't suck. I am honest to a T always most people can't handle it. Especially stiff religious types.

Well My Son is Growing Up and I HATE IT !

Topher was gone all weekend and it made me sad....I am so sad that my boy is growing up, He is so big and strong like a man. 5'5 and 170 lbs and has a 12 size foot. I can't believe it. I miss the days when he would sit in my lap and I would read to him or just love on him. I miss the baby that he used to be, him and Maya. I used to cuddle and nurse them when they were little and it meant so much to be such a strong symbol in their lives. I wish my mother would have been like that with me. She was distant and cold like most German people. I don't understand it but I can make sense of it because her adopted mother was awful to her. She locked her in closets and beat her with brooms and belts. My mother was the product of a Nazi affair. Her father was Gestapo and my grandmother (biological) was a Jew. I know my mother was born of the concentration camp from a rape. I wish I could say otherwise but I know the things that happened then were awful. I am sad for my mother and she is not around now. I should have listened to my husband and saved her and had her live with me. I would have cared for her but I was not strong like I am now.

I don't understand this pulling away that children do. It is hard when your identity IS your family. I used to be successful and did things and now I am just a 'mom' to most. It is a life I adore. I am not tidy like my mother was, I have a horrid back condition and probably fybromyalgia. I wish I didn't but taking medication for it makes you gain weight and nothing really helps and my arthritis is terrible. I take nuerontin when I need to it helps a little. I am tired of hurting all the time. I think that constant pain just makes you want to die. It really does. It is from the trauma I had when I was a little girl. I was raped and beaten and forced to do a LOT of hard heavy lifting and when I worked I had to lift things and just screwed up my body. When you have trauma your body remembers it and carries it with you the rest of your life. I wish I could cleanse my being and heal it. My son is a healer but he doesn't want to hear anything about it. He just wishes he could be 'normal'. His hands get so hot to the touch when he prays or touches me. I know God gifted him with this for a reason. I know he will be a pastor of a church one day which is why I named him Christopher (which means bearer of Christ). I believe that names are key to WHO YOU ARE. When I was a child people called me 'Cinderella' and Leska "Mommie Dearest". She was such a freak of nature. I oddly enough have the name Tatjana which means "Princess" I think it is funny that I was named princess and was called Cinderella .... because she became a princess. I find that humorous. It is just SO incredibly ironic. Life is full of irony.

My life has been pretty messy but I am attempting to change and grow. Tonight I will return to church which is scary. I just feel the need to be with God in a literal sense and I guess I feel like maybe He is at church. I believe totally what the "Stigmata" movie says about the book in the Bible that was not allowed to be in there by the Catholics . It states from Jesus that He is everywhere.  He is in the trees and earth and flowers and doesn't have to be just in a building. My dog is sad because he got into the brawnsweiger which was on the table and he ate it and now he is crying because he thinks we are mad at him. I told him I understood he was just hungry and he is doing better :) . I don't give a rats ass what people say, dogs have souls just like humans. Did you know cats are the only animal that are not mentioned in the Bible ? My son told me that. Wierd and strange isn't it?


I don't know how to get my house clean. I am attempting to get motivated and I just feel crappy. Nothing helps thank God that I see my shrink next week (I think). I am not feeling so great. I don't want to take Prozac anymore it gives me night terrors about the devil and all sorts of past trauma and they say it is for PTSD. I don't understand how a drug that is for that can cause you to have bad dreams about stuff you want to forget.

Last night my phone called someone (I don't know them from Adam) that lives about 2 hours away. 4 times at 1:30 this morning. It was her son Nathan that had died from a drug overdose. My gift is getting stronger, and I don't understand what to do. I got that Nathan wanted her forgivness and I prayed with her. She seemed to be more peaceful after we talked. I don't have ANY record on ANY of my phones with her number. Just now when I was typing about this the screen when blank. Something is here with me now and just knocked something off the desk. I keep my feet crossed under the chair I am sitting in so there is NO way I unplugged it. Nathan must be here with me now. I dunno or someone else. I give up on trying to understand this gift / curse. It is hard to always "FEEL" what is going on with others it is like electricity running constantly around me. I can see what people look like when I don't even know them. I can see stuff that has happened and my heart was hurting after I talked with Ms. Margret. I dunno. I just don't understand.. I am going to go and wash my son's covers so I can make up his bed. I cleaned his carpet. It doesn't look great because it is as old at the house  but it smells good in his room now. I am going to try to tuck him in tonight if he will let me.

Pray for me Paul. I will pray for you. I like your column that you have and it is very insightful. My husband is Catholic. I like the mystisim that is involved but you are right the 10 minutes they have of what they think is insightful text doesn't touch the true greatness of our God. I don't know why they walk around with the Bible like it is so Holy that we shouldn't touch it or why only Catholics are allowed the sacrement. I wish it wasn't so. No church has the lowdown on God. The church that I am going to is The Lords Church , the Church of Christ and they think they are the only way into Heaven. Jesus died for ALL MEN and that is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I am going to leave this room the printer just made a noise and it is off. Something is following me. I need divine intervention.  God PLEASE help me understand what is going on. I need you. Speak to me tonight. I love you Tanja

Well My Identity is My Children

I never realized how much being a mother identified me.  I just don't get how a successful, bright and fun person has "just become a mother" and is now stuck doing that .... I don't get it.  I used to work and go to school and have a life outside what I saw around me. Once I became a mother I sacrificed EVERYTHING and just do that. I don't mind don't think I am complaining but I have seen both sides. I have had the 'career' and had the family. I prefer the family, what I miss though is the intellectual stimulation you get from other adults. My husband is NOT much of a communicator. I would like to add however that he did give me a card for Valentines Day that basically said the best thing he EVER did in his life was marry me. That made me feel absolutely loved and YES I cried when I read it. I also got a yellow rose... I am so grateful to have such a wonderful family. I just wish I could go back to school read literature and learn something maybe french or speak Spanish fluently. I do speak it conversationally and it comes natural but I just wish I KNEW more about the world. I am seeing a psychic next weekend for sure to see where and what I need to do. I was to take classes from her and I have given my first reading although I didn't get paid I was at a salon and got a discount. I 'knew' things that  astounded the lady and it was interesting afterwards I got a migraine. I think it was bad energy and I don't know how to cleanse my aura from things that are going on in other people's lives. I am anxious for my son to come home tomorrow. I am going to clean his covers and carpet and make his room smell nice for him. I love him so. I love both my kids I just really miss him he is away at a church retreat. He is really a wonderful kid especially since he is off all the medication he was on. I am a lot better too since I quit taking Prozac and Vyvanse. I don't like those drugs they make me mean. I was losing a lot of weight from not eating but it isn't worth it if you are a bitch.

I will go now have things to do. I hung hearts in the dining area with the qualities I love about the people in my family. I even included my dogs past and present. I miss them  especially my St. Bernard Kylie and Dusty. I loved them so. I will go now if you mom's want something cool to read, "52 things every mom should know " is a GREAT book. I got the idea for hanging those hearts for V day out of it. It really is an inexpensive valentine. I got the hearts on strings from JoAnn's Craft store and hung them up with red ribbon and yarn. I would suggest you do them too. It is beautiful and so special. It will be a tradition that I have forever.

God bless those of you who read it. I pray that you will have a great weekend and know that God's love is EVERLASTING ... God will never give up on us the way we give up on ourselves. I don't understand His ultimate sacrifice or grace I only wish I had that quality. I wish to be more like Jesus.  I fail miserably all the time but you know it is a journey this life we have and a gift. I will cherish it forever. It seems the older I get the more I understand how important it is to give love. I have cried this weekend because my son is away and I miss him so. I don't know if you parents out there get that but it is hard when you home school your kids and they are your life. I am not the neatest parent as far as house keeping probably because I have had to do it my whole life but I make sure my kids are played with and loved and fed and cherished in a way I never was and that is my legacy. When I die I don't want people telling my kids what I was told about my mother "she kept you so clean, or ... the house was always immaculate...." I want people to remember my humour and my laugh and my love and the fact that I ALWAYS tell people I love them. I want my kids and husband to remember that I loved them even after I die. I know my spirit will linger around my children until they are with me I will NEVER leave them. I love them too much and they need a mother who will see them through. I know I don't have much longer on this earth I don't know why I feel this so strongly but I don't think I will make it past this year. Actually I never thought I would live this long. I am blessed to have kids and often feel ill equipped to deal with the rigors of being a mother. I fail a lot .I never don't love my family though. I talked to Steve on Friday he told me Arsela passed and they held her funeral that day. I almost got into a fist fight with her when I had my son on July 4th weekend at Grandma Nadine's house. I did tell her that I loved her recently and you know it felt good to let bygones be bygones. You must apologize and love before it is too late. My neighbor walked through my yard the one I can't stand and well I did not say a word. I am thankful to God because I have changed He changed me. I still get mouthy and angry but I am a better person than I was before. I love God and I think that is the key to finding your peace in this world. Someone or something greater than ourselves has to be in control because we would just mess everything up.
Still haven't had relations but I love my husband now more than ever our committment runs deeper than fleshly actions it is a soul thing. I would NEVER be with anyone else. I love him and him alone.

It is funny how our perspectives change .

I have to say my son freaked me out when he told me that he "GOT SHOT in THE LEG and was in the ER" today. Especially after he did a service project in a bad neighborhood. I was freaking out. Did it hit his big artery and is he going to be ok ? I was so beside myself, and then he laughed and I knew he was full of shit. I love him he is so much like me it is scary. I pray to God my family has a good life no matter what, I need God's neverending grace to see it through. Thanks to all who like my blog and read it. God bless.