I wonder

I am curious, I can't talk to the doctor so I am on here every five minutes. I am scared yes, very scared. I have picked up my Bible and read a verse. It is Romans 8:28 And we kow that all things work together for good to those who love God , to those who are  the called according to His purpose. For Him whom He forknew., He also predestined.

I don't know how this plays into my life but if I would not have got hit in the breast by that kid, as my friend so kindly pointed out I probably would have never had the pain to find the lump. I need to be thankful. I can feel it lurking under my skin reminding me that it is there.  I just came in from outside crying, I just can't help it. I am sad-worried and can't call the doc until tomorrow. I don't even have an appetite for the spaghetti I made.  I heard my husband just fuss at my son for getting seconds of it but I don't care I don't even want any food. I just want to crawl back into bed. For two days now I have stayed in my pj's and moped. I dunno to have supposed faith in God I don't think my meter is too high. 

I know things are going to happen the way they are supposed to-but have I touched someone's life besides my immediate circle ? I hope I have, I would like to say yes. I would like to say I don't think that this lump isn't anything bad but I have a bad feeling about it especially after my reading with my angels speaking. They have always been right on the money about everything. I trust them innately.  I can see in my minds eye this is to be a jouney for me not to be taken lightly and I am fearful.  You see a lot of my family has died from cancer and I smoke like a dumbass. I know I should not and have been meaning to quit. This would definately do it. This is a wake up call for sure. I am frightend.

Maybe this is God's way of getting my attention ?  I am stubborn for sure and sometimes having all of your crutches taken away to get your attention. My good guy friend in Texas told me he loved me in a very caring voice and I know he is worried about me. I love him so much, so is my bff in Texas- if this is serious I am going to see them at Christmas.  I don't really care about seeing anyone else except maybe my sister and Grandma. They are cool. The rest of the family ignores me most of the time with a polite irreverence.  I dunno I just get tired of it all . I try to talk to them but get nothing back when I try like yesterday I got yelled at. I am tiring of it !  Bullshit is what it is.

I have my little family here and love them tremendously. I give my all to it and it wears me out but I love them so. Well I have to go the boys are arguing again and I am growing tired of it today. My brain can't handle it today. I just emotionally can't stand it . ugh.