It was so cool, my great friend Amy's daughter who is AWESOME turned 16 last Tuesday or Wednesday (?) can't remember which day. I offered to make the cake and it turned out like a professional had done it. I made the pound cake and it literally had a lb of butter and 10 eggs. I made a 12" bottom layer and a 10x3 oblong round. The bottom 12" turned out perfect, and the oblong took about 1 hour and 30 minutes to cook. I iced it with Disarrono butter cream. I had put some in the cake also. It was so moist and tasty. I was very proud, and my daughter helped me do some of the icing and the writing. I was trying to make it so "perfect" and being a perfectionist SUCKS. I was so stressed out I got a migraine and when Maya offered to help me I just said "what the heck" and let her instead of trying to control everything like usual.
I bought a book at Wal-Mart and it is called "52 things kids need from their mom" EXCELLENT book. I know it is common sense to know what to do, but if you are like me and have a severely dysfunctional family when you were growing up this book gives IDEAS and direction of what Jesus expects from us. I am not good about going to church, as I am not "churchy" I don't like it. To me it is a place where fakers get together and mock God. I know this sounds terrible to say, but so many people LIMIT GOD and what he is capable of. Honestly I just get aggravated about it and when I hear the sermons I either cry from conviction or get mad because they are talking about Calvanism. For those of you who DON'T know what that is, well people for instance in the "Bob Jones" arena believe that Christ only died for a 'select few'. I say this is bull-shit. Plain and simple. Christ would not have given his life up the way He did just to save people that were 'predestined'. If that was the case we would get coupons from God to get to heaven. That is what I think. Romans 8:28 is used to support that idea, (not the coupons but predestination). People change the meaning of the verses to suit their needs at the moment. The Bible specifically tell teachers that they will be held to a higher standard than others. I believe this.... we were ALL created in the image of God. People relate God as a man but the thing is he made both Men AND women so he must be both. We are all in His Image. He could NOT have sent a woman to do what Jesus did because NO ONE would have listened. Back then women were less than men, as they are considered today. I don't care if people think "I am weak because I am a woman !" I know where my place is, under my husband's covering. (I just got a kiss from him he is going to work now :)..) I LOVE MY P VERY MUCH !!!! He rocks. Now where was I. Anyway God has got to be male and female how could he make us if he didn't know the difference ? I love that movie with Patricia Arquette and I have mentioned it before "STIGMATA" it is about the books that the Catholics kept out of the Bible. They were in "charge" of the translations being made into a book. They control religion. I don't have a problem with the Catholics really I mean my husband was raised Catholic. People get raped in other churches and no one makes a big deal about it but lo and behold the Catholics have a problem and everything they do is wrong I don't get it.
I saw a priest once to try to get him to bless my home. He asked me what "my beliefs were" because I have tattoos and pierced lip and ear. I have since taken the snake bite out because I am tired of it but I just thought that was a "profiling thing" to ask me if I was basically a witch or a satanist. Dumb question, why would I go to a CHURCH for prayer if I was NOT a believer in Christ ? How dumb is that. People judge you for the way you look, how much you weigh your hair. The minute I lost all that weight, I was NO longer Chewbacca like someone called me at Starbucks. I will never forget how hurt that made me feel. I was 300lbs at least and on TONS of medication. I starve myself now and for instance yesterday I ate a peanut butter sandwich and a small bacon cheeseburger from MCdonalds and that was it ALL DAY. Having people make fun of you because you are overweight messes with your mind. When I lived with Deena and Steve they always went running, that was "their time". Deena always asked me "are you going to eat that" When I was starving myself and working out like mad for hours at a time to tone up and lose weight I would eat 1/2 an english muffin with margarine and a slim fast and she would say to me " Are you putting butter on that ? Are you going to eat that ? I was fucking anorexic and she was like being so mean. I started taking diet pills when I was 14 after puberty. It messed with me so bad but I didn't like the way I looked. My boobs were huge and my butt was NON exsistent and I had long legs. I had the worst hair and didn't know how to fix it and it was way short because Leska cut it off for my 8th grade graduation. I had cut my hair prior to that and Chally took me to get a bob because she didn't want Leska beating me. However I got the beating anyway and she chopped off my hair and made me look like a boy with a rat tail.
I can honestly say being overweight, well it sucks and you get stereotyped. When you go in a restaurant the servers act like you are going to eat them out of house and home. I have been to a poshy grocery store locally and didn't look like much, hair a mess NO make-up and the friggin Mexican behind the register ASKED ME DO YOU HAVE FOOD STAMPS ? WTF IS THAT ABOUT ? I thought about that last night and told someone that worked there I said you know I worked as a cashier in a grocery store but I NEVER asked if it was food stamps. I had to take the paper bills and I KNEW how humiliating it was for SOME of the people and how they looked embarrassed coming through the line with what looked like Monopoly money. Thank the Lord they put it on cards now. Ebt is on a card and they don't need to ask until you run the card through. What a punk, needless to say I haven't seen him. The manager told me I should have reported him but I just though he was ignorant and didn't have any manners. That is what I told her. Plain and simple I told her you know I may look like crap but I can't get EBT and You shouldn't ask, that is profiling. It is wrong !
I am pouring out my heart so I won't talk my son's ear off today. I am taking him to breakfast and then we are going to get our backs adjusted and then get a hair cut. I might take him to get a hair cut at Trendz it is a really great place. Later I have to go and get some new math books for the kids I want to make sure my son is on 'task' and I need to catch my daughter up. She is understanding addition and subtraction so much better than before. I am grateful for Horizon's math. It is the best program I have ever seen for home school stuff. My son is ahead when he is in school and catches on to EVERYTHING. I am so proud of him. We are working on grammar and writing and I have an advanced vocabulary book to push him to the next level to get him to think. I do believe his spelling is even getting better. It will just take time. I am doing "online" school next year. He is excited and so am I both my kids are looking forward to it. I will still be a part of it but it is really great and my kids won't be bullied and a teacher will keep up with their grades and the program will be tailored to THEIR needs unlike public school. To register them now would be 10,000 but I don't have that kind of cash laying around so I am just continuing the approach I have now. Doing the best we can, and my husband helps which I am greatful.
I would love to talk to someone who is psychic and know what I am supposed to do when I "KNOW" something and it isn't good. Are you supposed to warn the person or just pray or what. I talked with my friends nephew because he is going through a tremendous lot. I also talked to his mother and prayed for her and that night I had a HORRIBLE dream about satan trying to get my family. We had moved into this apartment and my daughter was sleeping between me and my husband but I knew something evil had happened there and my son was across the house sleeping in his room. I was terrified but I fought in the spirit with all my might. I spoke verses and cried out to Jesua and didn't GIVE UP AT ALL. I just kept on and finally at 1:30 I woke up in a cold sweat scared to death and went and checked on Topher and he was fine. All wrapped up like a taco in his covers so I kissed him and told him I love him. He had NO idea I even went in his room :) . I love him so much. What a great kid even when he is difficult I see myself in him. Promise a future and hard worker. He just needs some direction. He needs P to step up and teach him how to be a man before some other man comes along and does that for P. They have started hugging more which makes me SO incredibly happy.
When I was at the birthday party, I had fun but it reminded me of being in Texas with MY family. The sister were sitting around bringing up things that happened in the past and some of it was hurtful and so I one time was like ":can I get someone some coffee, Heather would you like more soda ?" I could just see the tension. I guess I learned how to do that from Amy. It was at her house and I just wanted to keep the peace. Finally I got sick of the tension and went outside to smoke. I was beside myself with nerves even though you couldn't tell it was on the inside. I saw one of the sisters with her feet on her other sister's husband and nearly had a cow. I was like who is that and WHY is she laying on him ? I was (in my head) thinking "Man if Cheyenne sees Heather on her husbands lap it will be world war 3..." Amy basically told me to hush but I was trying to figure it out. She was crying and sitting on his lap practically. If I saw my sister Bambi on my husbands lap or Susan I would BE PISSED and tell them to get the fuck off. He is MY husband. I would not tolerate that. Luckily it went off without a hitch and she didn't see. I would get so upset if I saw someone wrapped around my husband but I am a jealous person and insecure so I admit that freely. I also know that if someone messed with my family I would kick their ass and probably go to jail and become a lesbian (NOT). I do have to watch my protectiveness. One of the sisters said "Jamie is snowing her" and then the mother turned around and said "Did you just say He's snowing me" and she said OH NO I said ______ blah blah blah____ well she is getting a lie bump for sure.
Jamie is a good kid, he is smart and needs someone to believe in him. He feels like a fuck up and doesn't think he can do anything right. I wish I could help him I would love to see him go far and not mess up his life. I also do NOT want him hurting himself from guilt (which does not come from GOD but from satan) I want Jamie to know he is a child of God and special and this is NOT his fault he makes mistakes but God's grace is sufficient. It doesn't give us the right to keep doing what we know is wrong but there is a verse that specifically says ":there is therefore NO condemnation in Christ Jesus" how more plain is that? How more plain can you be ?
People beat themselves up for the things that they have done wrong that is not God talking in your conscious, the Holy Spirit uses your conscious to talk to you . Not to make you feel like you are a piece of poop. satan is the condemner. he is the one that comes to "steal, kill and destroy". I don't know if any of you have seen that movie by M. Night Shalamn I think that is how you spell it. He is Indian, (like the country) in the movie people get trapped on an elevator and all of them are criminals of some sort. They one by one get killed and think it is one of the people on the elevator killing them. However, what they don't know is satan is there and killing them to take them to hell. He just wanted to torture them first. ONE man confesses that he committed a hit and run and killed someone's family. The devil then doesn't take him and says DAMN and poof the lady is gone. They can't find her. It is a good movie. The director M. Night Shalaman also did "Signs" and "The Lady In the Water". He is awesome. I only know those movies.
I watched the "Girl with the Pearl Earring " it was AWESOME. Talk about fuddy duddy's back then and their priorities. I would have NOT fit in. If I have lived then I don't remember and a psychic once told me that I had a hole in the base of my skull, (where the occipital bone is) she said I used to let spirits into my being and Jane closed the hole. I believe it too as crazy as that sounds . She also stabilized my body so that it would not travel away. I have no longer been having dreams where I "fly" and go to different places all over the world. I can honestly say I would LOVE to learn how to do that because I believe that your spirit is real and if it is out of whack you body hurts, your depressed and things just don't go the way you want them to. When Dusty died I had to go to release the pain. It was SO HARD. He did stay around for awhile but now I don't see or hear him anymore.
He was a supre dog. I loved him so very much. More than I have loved any dog I guess because he was sick. It is hard to see something you love dying before your eyes. I hated it and it reminded me of how helpless I felt EVERY time I walked into my mother's room when she was in ICU. I could barely stay in there. Finally Grandma Nadine who was extremely callus (maybe because her mother boom-boom died earlier) I dunno. I talked to my mother because of Grandma Nadine and told her about her grandkids and the color of my eyes and my husband and I told her how sorry I was that I didn't know her better. Phil KEPT trying to get me to get my mother. He would have let me take care of her, to keep her. I couldn't handle the responsiblity though she was a former alcoholic and leaned on me very heavily as a child. When I got to Leska, I was so screwed up. I realize now she resented me because I WAS so attached to my parents. Leska didn't have that kind of relationship with her children. She never baked or did special trips or anything. She yelled and expected the house to be clean when she and her husband got home and dinner better be on the table. I didn't like the fact that she changed the spelling of my name from the way mom did it Tanja (russian) to Tonya (country fried crap) .... I would go to school and they would see my namea nd think I was black. LOL. Struggle through it and look at me like what in the world ????? She even changed my name at school to her last name and when I was 14 she wanted to change my name to INDIA. WTF ???? I didn't want that name. YUCK. So she stole a bunch of kids from Mexico paid their moms off and took their babies in her trunk across the border to Texas. She lied about their births and I am guessing forged birth documents and Social Security cards. I think she did this I KNOW she did this so someone would take care of her when she get too old and she doesn't wnat to go to a nursing home. She was so HORRIBLE to her mother. Her mother was and should have been treated like a queen after the hell she had been through. The great depression, a cotton picker, making dresses for leska out of flour sacks. She busted her ass for that girl and Leska was so fucking mean to her. Especially when she had Alzheimer's . She would SCREAM at Ma, and yell and Ma would just cry. I don't understand Ma was a rough and tumble person. However when she got sick, Leska just dumped her off in a nursing home where they were terrible to her. Then when she got her out she basically killed her with meanness. That is what my heart tells me. Ma had changed when she got sick, she was not the piss and vinegar woman like she was before. She was sweet, I had told her I loved her on the way to look at some property in Leska's van and she looked back into MY EYES and said I love you too. I sat next to her and hugged her and held her hands. That made up for ANYTHING she had EVER said ugly to me. I thought she was the most beautiful and precious soul I had ever known. I don't know what Leska is so mean for. I feel sorry for her. I am mean but only because I am an angry person and don't want to be taken advantage of so I am always on guard. For instance when I was walking the dogs yesterday someone (my neighbor's daughter Stevi and boyfriend) were speeding and I said "SLOW DOWN DUMBASS" AND THEY DIDN'T ! My kids have almost been hit by cars in parking lots and I have almost whooped ass because of it. One time my son was pushing a buggy for me out of the Wal-Mart and a BMW almost hit him doing 80 through the parking lot I was a cussing fool and he stopped his car. There were black people yelling along with me and he took one look at them and thought it wasn't worth it. I bet he would have shot me that day had those people not been there. He drove off and my son was in tears.
I went to publix once with my kids and a car sped to get a parking spot close to the front of the store. I was a cussing fool. I wish to this day that I would have hit him I was so angry. People do not realize that parking lots are not roads and that they should not speed through them. There are little kids that dart away from their mother and boom they are dead. People do NOT realize CARS ARE WEAPONS. Dangerous and deadly. My friend Susan had an accident and the car that caused the whole incident left the scene.
I know we are all a part of God and God is a part of us. We offend God when we offend others. I wish I had more grace when I get mad. I don't know how. I get taken advantage of and I loose it and grace and kindness go out the window. I am a fighter for the rights of others and believe people should be treated fairly. My kids would hardly tell me when stuff happened that they KNEW was wrong because they were afraid for me to go up to the school. Every time I did though I acted like a lady. Well until the thing with my daughter and that boy touching her and another girl. Shit I called his mother and when she had the AUDACITY to yell at ME I hung up. What a dummie. How can someone yell at another mother when her child is the problem ?
He did it right under the teacher's nose. I guess she was blind deaf and stupid. Yes I am angry. My daughter spent 3 years of her life in that school and people (kids) were holding her down and looking up her dress (K-5) her teacher called her a liar. Then in first grade a girl wen t under the desk and told EVERYONE what color My daughter's panties were and the list goes on. I am saying this with sincerity- I told my daughter if ANYONE touches her inappropriately it was her body and KNOCK THEIR ASS OUT. I told the principle Ms. Bigby that too. I said if Anyone touched my daughter I was going to enroll her in Karate and the kid that did the offense would get his or her ass beat, and if she made an example of my daughter I would just take her out of school. After being raped as a child I DO not tolerate bull shit like that. Your body is your body and you should not let people touch it if you don't want to.
I love my kids so much. I love my husband so much. They are my life and dear to me. It is the only family I have ever had that wanted me. I try to do a good job most of the time I feel like a faliure but I am attempting to do better. I wish I didn't have such a protective temper but I don't know what to do about it. I am ready to whoop ass at a moments notice. I don't put up with shit from anyone. I am going to have to talk to my tdoc about that. I want to calm down but when I feel like someone is trying to be mean to me or someone I love I loose it.
That stupid doctor took all my money twice because he did a spirometer test on me because I smoke. That was his justification that I smoke and he wanted to see the damage. I don't currently have lung damage and he is an idiot a smart one but an idiot nonetheless. He knows how to charge because of his wife and in one visit you will have so many CPT codes (procedure codes) that you don't know if you got them all and what they were for. Then you see what you paid and what the insurance paid and what was supposed to be written onn on your EOB's and poof they owe you money :) I know they owe us money because they always trump up the charges and make us pay more to get the balance that the insurance didn't cover cleared. (The stuff they are supposed to WRITE OFF because my insurance is UNDER CONTRACT) I am no dumbass. I was the second person in Texas to go through AGPAM for medical billing. I was learning medical terms when I left that job and quite frankly I am brilliant and I know it. My problem is I am bored with life. But that damn doctor is going to give me the money he owes me Or I am going to take his ass to court. I will charge him for MY time that I had to take away from my FAMILY to figure out how badly they fucked up my account and my husbands. The black lady even asked my insurance IF I HAD AN HSA CARD and how MUCH was on it. After I friggin told her .... ugh !!!!! what an ass.
I paid for the NEW office that butthead is in and he is putting it on the backs of his patients and I complained to the insurance company and they are INVESTIGATING him. All the charges I pray. I even have a complaint form for the Medical Board. I am waiting on EOB;s so I can send the one that they messed up on. I found a 22 dollar credit because my husband over paid. :) I am tired trying to type with one eye is really hard.
Don't take shit lying down. Be a fighter. God loves EVERYONE and he NEVER gives up on us. Remember that. I don't go to church because I think well, I don't like it. My experiences have been negative. My son likes his youth group and has fun which is good. I am wishing I could find a church but I know I would get upset and / or angry and that just stresses me out.
ttyl and blessings on your head to whomever reads this :) much love
Tanja
No comments:
Post a Comment