Well I have several family members that are nurses so I wanted to speak with them or at least one of them about my breast lump. My "foster dad" from years ago blasted me about how I needed to seek the doctor's opinion and not that of a family member and how he was not going to bullshit me and etc. I think that was rude and uncalled for especially when finding a breast lump is scary and how it hurts. I looked online and according to all the data out there - there is no telling what it is. I do know this if it takes CANCER for my husband to straighten up and act right with God then I don't care I would go for it. I would let God do that in my life. Make me sick God please for my husband to get on his knees before you. He needs to come before you and know you . Yes I am that desperate. I don't understand what is going on with him, he is turning to something that will never fulfull him or the needs that he has. It is empty and draining and hurtful to me and I no longer have the trust for him I once had.
Enough said about that. I just think if it takes something serious to get his attention it usually is me. I break him I am the one thing that breaks him. He would lay down everything to be with me. I hope this is something serious and it speaks volumes to him. I really do I mean that with all sincerity too. God uses things to get our attention and if it has to be me then so be it. I love him; he means the world to me. I love him with my whole being so very much so. He has given so much up for me so many times, I can't even count them.
My extended family can be harsh to say the least, well not my sister but some of the others. When my mother was dying my grandmother made a comment that she should die too-however she was under great duress with someone in her extended family that drives her crazy. It still hurt though. I got the hell out of there when my friend pulled up I don't even think I hugged my grandmother good-bye I was so hurt by what she said. I just thought she was jackass for saying it and thoughtless. I have been the same way to those I love too though.
I texted my sister a million times I hope she understands where I am coming from, I told her how it's not cool to threaten your kids like we were. Even if it is just "I am gonna smack you" . I think verbal threats are the worst and the reason kids are bad today. Parents threaten and don't discipline their kids-they don't follow through with what they say, so kids never believe them. Plus threatening kids is mean I realize now that I see mine are scared of me and I hate that. It will take time to undo the damage but things are coming along nicely. I have done well by the grace of God and the new meds are helping me be calm too which is great Intunive is an excellent drug for me and both my son. We get along great now.
I also want to say that I had a friend and her son over and was totally stressed because this child acts like a baffoon and won't listen to me when he comes. I asked him 5 times to turn the speakers on the computer (he was watching videos I don't approve of on the computer WITHOUT asking) loudly. My spouse gets up to work at 2:30 to 3am in the morning to work because he works european time not American. I told him my husband is trying to sleep please turn it down over and over and he ignored me and the madder I got. Then when I was in the kitchen it was like he came up to me to try to intimidate me by coming really close to me and pull that "I am bigger than you" bullshit , but I didn't budge he started making racket again and I told him to cool it. He got upset and called his mother into the hallway and she said " he wants to go he's not having any fun". What a brat ! That kid has taken his shoulder into my chest as hard as he could while I was trying to play with him and hit me as hard as he could like a football player would and now I have a fucking lump in my breast. I don't know if that is why I have it but I never had problems before! This kid is a terror and my son was not putting up with his crap either so he got mad and left. It sucked to because I love his mom. I called her to talk to her today and the boy wouldn't let me talk to her. He is such a jerk. I sent her a message on FB though hopefully she will get it. He even said to her that I said my dog was going to have "intercourse on his leg" which my son said I didn't say so I don't know if I said it or not but I got in trouble for it anyway because he said it and said I said it in front of him. You know what though the funny thing is while on the phone with me one day though he said to me I needed to get me dog a "blow up doggie". He knows more about sex than he lets on and his mother needed to know that. So I made sure she did. LOL. I hope that kid got a talking to about that little comment because it was not very nice to make up something that never even happened.
I don't get it. Today kids call adults by their first names are disrespectful and don't say yes ma'am and no ma'am or anything. Where did all the manners go ? My kids have been taught to call adults "Ms. ____ or Mr. ___ and always say Yes Ma'am or No Ma'am or No Sir or Yes Sir . I am flabbergasted that more parents don't teach their kids about manners. It is a shame. It is because the world would be a nicer place to live in. Instead of the me me me generation we have today .
We had a lot of fun last night at the show. It was crazy, I wore these stiletto heel boots like a dummie, I was walking like I had a stick up my butt. I can't walk in heels though especially with my bad back and hip. I don't know what I was thinking I just wanted to dress up though because I never get to go anywhere ! I put on make-up or anything anymore either but I got all dressed up. My hair is even laying down too even though it is super curly. I am surprised ! It looked good too. I was very happy about the way I looked, but very uncomfortable by the end of the night and worried that I would fall as there were many lumps and bumps on the pavement that I had to walk on not to mention the stairs.
I know the breast lump coming at the holidays is a stressor but if it bear fruit then it does exactly what it is supposed to do. I don't care at what cost, if I lose my hair that oddly enough I haven't (for a change) cut off or shaved short. I don't care ! I don't care if I get sick or have chemo or even loose my precious breasts that would be hard - I would feel like less of a woman I think . I would make it though, not trying to borrow trouble just saying if it had to come to that I would be willing to make that sacrifice. I am saying it out loud. I am being honest. I want my husband to know the Lord again.
I miss us together at the table. I miss us spending time together,he is always at his computer. He loves that damn thing. Sometimes I think he loves her more than me- it is his other wife, he works with her and plays with her and spends way more time with her than me and I am jealous. I deal with it though. I somehow muddle through my day and deal and sneak a kiss when I take breakfast, lunch and sometimes even dinner to them while they hang out. I hate her- she is sleek and seductive, she can offer him things that I can't. A solace a piece that of things that only satan brings. It angers me to no end. I hate her. I want to ravage her with my hatred. I want to break her and tear her to pieces and make her no longer work. I want to ruin their relationship and make him dislike her. There is nothing I can do, not a damn thing, she is a seductress. I can't do anything like her. I don't tempt like she does or thrill like she does or scheme like she does. How dare she steal my husband from me . He doesn't even pay attention to me anymore I hate to say it. It hurts like hell. I am broken inside from it. I adore him so, I would give up everything to be his everything and nothing matters to me but his happiness but all he loves is his damn computer.
I am done now it has been an interesting blog. I am drained from the emotions exerted. I am toast!
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