I went to therapy and told my tdoc what has been going on at home. She said it was not good that my kids are scared of me but it is understandable because I was in an enviroment growing up that was unhealthy, and that people that were supposed to 'care' about me treated me like well I said 'shit'. I heard it all the time. I dunno but the apple doesn't fall far from the tree as they say. I just hope I have stopped this soon enough and they won't do it to their kids. Although every time I was mean and nasty to them I apologized they still fear me. I can relate to this feeling and not with great fondness. A slight raise of the hand and you think you're gonna get smacked or if something spills on the floor you will get yelled at. (or worse). I know these things well I grew in an enviroment infested with violence. It sucked ass.
I am ashamed and now she told me I am doing the 8th step which is asking for forgiveness, which is good. Now the trick is to undo the fear that my kids have for me. I want to undo it NOW but it has taken years to create and I can't undo it in one day. I still think of the other day before Thanksgiving when I grabbed my daughter by the arm and she looked at me in fear like she was in trouble or something and all I wanted was to dance to 'Dog Days are Over' by Florence and the Machine . Its a great song! Anyway I scared the hell out of her and she begrudgingly did it for a moment . Hopefully in time I can make up for the hurt I have caused them.
No one ever apologized to me not really. I was told "I did it to make you tough" what a crock of shit. I have never heard of a more cowardly excuse to abuse someone in my life. I got beatings on a regular basis. When I cut my hair at 14 because the lady made me feel like a boy.... all scragglly and shaggy and the kids all laughed at me all the time I cut my hair too much. I got caught with it uneven. Her NICE daughter took me and got me a bob haircut and for the first time I felt feminine and pretty. When no one was home however the mother of the nice daughter beat me naked with a belt and told me if I told anyone she would do it again. She was CRAZY.
I wonder if I will ever get over the abuse I suffered at the hand of that woman ? Sometimes I think back and hate her and wish her dead and other times I don't care. Today I just think she is a sorry excuse for a mother. I would NEVER let my kids around her she is the devils advocate. I don't have any family really to speak of I am the black sheep anyway ..having bi-polar and being hospitalized gets you judged a lot. I think if more people understood mental illness they would not be so quick to pass judgement or hospitalizations. People don't go into the hospital to run away they go to get help. People don't try to commit suicide because they want to die they feel so hopeless that they can't see any point anymore and give up. Its not about others when they try to do it either you don't think about others ... you're not thinking about anything but your sadness. It engulfs you and swallows you whole. It is a terrible feeling it is like someone has died everyday and you can't get over it and you wake up and they die all over again . I hated feeling like that.
Every time I ever tried to hurt myself or ended up in the e.r. it wasn't about others it was because I just wasn't functioning at full throttle and some people said to me even in the hospital or in my family - you are leaving the kids abandoning them....which is lie. I only went there to get better. So those people didn't understand nor did they try to. They passed judgement like most people. I think it is bravery when people take their medication and go to their doctor appointments and see their therapists if they are blessed to have insurance. It sucks at the first of the year my deductible per person is like over 1000 per person in my family. I take over 5 different kind of meds and don't know how I am going to pay for them. Only by the grace of God. I did a reading and it said money trouble in the future but would come out triumphant. I just trust that we hang in there and do the best we can. I will keep shopping at Dollar General first for the dry goods and then go to Wal-Mart for groceries and CVS for milk that is the cheapest way to go.I know where the sales are.
I have lost 8lbs just walking around the house in step ups and eating less... my pdoc weighed me and I am down 4 more pounds from 2 weeks ago. I have had to go in quite a bit due to stress from life and what not. I am doing better the doctor put me on Intunive a long acting drug for nerves and ADD and it helps.
Well I am going to go no, having egg nogg with disarrono which is yummy =)
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