I feel dead today

Dusty is dead. He oddly enough didn't die from his heart murmur but the angels didn't lie to me in the tarot cards they said that he would pass. My visions were spot on too I saw a dog attack, I thought it was a coyote but it was in actuality the German Shepperd's down the street.

I was sitting on the front porch with Dusty my baby in my lap. He was happy and had just kissed my all over my nose and face and mouth I loved that . His kisses were like fresh rain to me full of joy and wonder. He was so innocent and happy. So goddamn happy never would hurt a fly. He got down and edged toward the steps of the front porch and took off. I yelled for my son to go after him and he did and Dusty went to my neighbors house where Dusty's girlfriend Katy lives. The financed dog...dumb asses for paying that much for such a dog. Anyway my son puts him down in the street and he looks at me when my son "go to mama" and then looks at the German Shepperd's who are barking at him.... he looks again once more at me and tears off toward the other dogs and bam I hear my son screaming and the dog yelping and crying and run to their aid. I had never though of all the times that Dusty had been doing shit that he would venture into their yard but my son said he was "just trying to be their friend mama" "I am so sorry" I told my son it wasn't his fault. My husband said Dusty was shaking the whole bed earlier that morning and my husband is a big heavyset man. He can hold the bed down and so I know that this was allowed to happen so that I didn't have to put Dusty to sleep or watch him suffer with his heart murmur.

I screamed for him. I heard him cry he was in the garage, the big dog looming over him... sniffing him and poking him with his nose. I heard him cry for me and there was not a goddamn thing I could do. I wanted to run over and rip them apart for killing my dog and get his body but I knew I would be arrested so I am going to stand by the verse of the Lords that says "vengeance is mine". I don't have to worry about doing anything to them God will deal with that lady that owns them. They should be put down after what they did to Dusty. I called the police and sheriffs office and they said it was a matter for animal control but since Dusty went on their property their is nothing to do. I can't do anything and I am terrified of big dogs and would not hurt them anyway I am not like that I will let the Lord handle it. I know he will maybe they will die from some disease or something . Something where they will suffer a slow painful death they are pure evil. I just pray some kid doesn't wander into their yard they would eat them alive. They really would. I will not let my kids play near the cul-de-sac anymore for sure. Those dogs are only on an invisible fence and you never know if your batteries are still good and I have seen the super violent one get out. She picked Dusty up in her mouth like a rag doll. Goddamn her. May she rot. Again I am not touching those dogs God will handle it.

I am hurting so fucking bad. I heard Dusty's collar last night in the house and my son felt him too. He is here with us he hasn't left yet . My daughter stepped on a toy last night and I lost it I absolutely lost it. Bawling and squalling. I don't know what to do. A part of me has died.


Foo Fighters:  Home
I think of Dusty when I hear this song...

Wish I were with you but I couldn't stay
Every direction leads me away

Pray for tomorrow but for today
all I want is to be home

Stand in the mirror you look the same
just lookin for shelter cold and the pain

someone to cover safe from the rain
and all I want is to be home

echos and silence patience and grace
all of the moments I'll never replace

fear of my heart absence of faith
all I want is to be home

all i want is to be home

People I've loved I have no regret
some I remember some I forget
some of them living some of them dead
and all I want is to be home

Plain White T's Rhythm Of Love ( for Dusty)
My head is stuck in the clouds
She begs me to come down
Says "Boy quit foolin' around"
I told her "I love the view from up here
The warm sun and wind in my ear
We'll watch the world from above
As it turns to the rhythm of love"
We may only have tonight
But till the morning sun you're mine all mine
Play the Music low and sway to the rhythm of love
My heart beats like a drum
A guitar string to the strum
A beautiful song to be sung
She's got blue eyes deep like the sea
That roll back when she's laughing at me
She rises up like the tide
The moment her lips meet mine
We may only have tonight
But till the morning sun you're mine all mine
Play the Music low and sway to the rhythm of love
When the moon is low
We can dance in slow motion
And all your tears will subside
All your tears will dry
And long after I've gone
You'll still be humming along
And I will keep you in my mind
The way you make love so fine
We may only have tonight
But till the morning sun you're mine all mine
Play the music low and sway to the rhythm of love

I have no body to bury him, I don't know if the dogs ate him or buried him I have only the music we listened to in the car and on the front porch. I have only his toys and his blankets and his pictures and his memories and the sweet memories of his nose kisses. I loved that dog. God bless his memory he was my baby.  You know I am so blessed my son didn't try to save him he could have gotten mauled ! He was so brave and tough and it fucked him up so bad to see it. I know it is going to take something to get over. By Gods grace we will . I know it. I don't know how but we are fighters. I just feel so fucking empty. I am going outside to smoke and listen to "home" now. It comforts me. He hopefully isn't suffering ANYMORE. He was so tough a tough little dog. Right to the end of his life.