In rememberance of Dusty I thought it would help me to write a letter to him to get over some of the pain and remember some of the good times that we had together. I think that is a positive thing that I can do to help with the pain. so that is what I am going to do. Especially since I didn't get to bury him or say a proper good-bye.
I remember when I first got you and loved on you and held you so tight you melted in my arms. I was so happy to find you, you were so adorable. Then I took you to the vet and found out you had a heart murmur and was worried about you but realized it was just something that we were going to have to deal with. We spent our summer in the front yard teaching you tricks rolling over and playing and giving you your favorite liver treats and you were so very happy not a care in the world. I haven't ever had a happier puppy. The sky was so bright and you loved it in the front yard that is where I am planting you a butterfly bush and some lantana for you special for you and getting you an angel just special because that is where we hung out all the time. I have seen you on the front porch and heard you whine I know it I miss you too my dear Dusty. I love you so much you mean the world to me and I can't help but miss you . It is the first time I am not crying about it, what happened to you . I love you and what happened was so tragic and I had to go see my doctor again because of my grief. I spent my therapy session giving my tdoc a reading and it took my mind off my problems which was nice for a change to think of someone else. She said it was good to see me in my element. I appreciated the compliment. She is a good lady and a good therapist and I hope I helped her with the reading she said it was spot on. It's funny how the angels speak. Then I interpet what they say they are good to me. I feel Dusty is still around lending his prescence too. His help is ever present too for all of us. He was a good dog and my little doggie that was like my other son. That sounds crazy but true . God bless his memory. It is true just like Sir Walter Raliegh said : It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I would have much rather loved and lost Dusty or many other people in my life than to have never experienced the pain of loss at all. It is just better that way. Some things were just meant to be and some things were just not meant to be. As bad as it sucks maybe he commited suicide . Maybe he knew he was dying and didn't want me to see him suffer ? Who knows dogs and cats are known to go off and die when they are sick and he never got that close to those dogs before I think he did it on purpose. I really do the more I think about it. It just wasn't like him to do something that insane.
I was the one that introduced him to Katy in the first place it was my fault but it just happened so I can't blame myself he was a runner and it was bound to happen . Now we have to dogs that we are paranoid to let outside because of those dogs and my son has a premonition that there will be another attack and I am praying that it isn't a person. I am worried sick. He told me that he was playing hide and go seek with the little boys that live next door to the dogs and kept getting warned by the man that owns the dogs a while ago to watch out for them .... that is scary. He knows how dangerous they are . And the lady acted surprised that they attacked Dusty . I know she just threw him away . Shame on her for her callousness and lack of understanding for my love for my dog. She was just afraid that her dogs would get in trouble but if she knew the law she would know that I was at fault because my dog went on HER property. duh. I just wanted his body back to bury him that is all. sigh. What can you do that when you are at the mercy of others.
I still think I live in a sucky neighborhood, and if I was laying dead or near dead in the street that no one would help me or if my kids were getting attacked that anyone would help them. After what happened with Dusty and with the way my son was screaming and knowing my neighbor was home and how she didn't come out of her house to help and just watched out of her windows to see what the dogs did I just don't have a lot of respect for anyone and just want to move to a piece of land where not a soul knows me. With a tractor and some farm animals. I am done for now with people..at least in this neighborhood. They are too snooty for my taste. I just don't get it. It is not even that nice. They are more worried about what your yard looks like than the state of your being .... that is just stupid. When we were suffering as a family they bitched about our garage being messy. And our dog causing a ruckus in the neighborhood when the next door neighbor threw firecrackers at her. What kind of crap is that for a nieghbor? That night I shot a roman candle over my drive way and it flew into his front yard .... I was waiting for the cops to show up. I was so mad because he woke me up that morning at 3 am popping firecrackers at my dog dixie that I had to get rid of. He hated her. Now he has a NO TRESSPASSING sign in his yard it looks like it has a target on it. He is retarded. He hates me and my kids . I have small dogs and kids so he is ready at any moment to yell "GET OUT of MY FUCKING YARD " when I happen to use his little area to turn around in because our driveway is so long. I don't like to back directly out so I turn around in his little area by a tree and now by his big hairball bushes because I am afraid he is going to slash my tires.. he is a creep. I thought I would have to get rid of her but Phil didn't make me though. I just kept her in the house at night to protect her in case he tried to poison her. Now we have a new garage door and no one can get in. My neighbor across the street even came into my house and put the flowers that I had given her from when she had to get rid of Tucker her dog. You see we have had a rocky relationship and she is an alchoholic ... and she came in my house and saw that it was messy while me and the kids went to Wal-Mart to get groceries and a haircut. I found the flowers and the card that I had given her on the floor in my kitchen and called the cops and they showed up at Anne's house and she said the Fuck word to the cop and got arrested and I got so mad that I wanted to kick Anne's ass I ended up in the hospital and wanted to hurt her which they told her she ended up threatening my life which I have written down in my diary when she did that because I got so freaked out I didn't go to the cops I didn't know it was a crime but we talked after I got home from the hospital . She called DSS on me and I was so upset they dissmissed the charges because they could see the kids were well cared for. She is full of shit and a drunk. VERY SPITEFUL and MEAN ... these are my neighbors... yeah. so self serving. I was giving her flowers to tell her I was sorry that she had to get rid of her dog and she comes in my house and calls DSS on me. What kind of shit is that ? She is a whack job. The police saw that yes our house was lived in but that the kids had clothes washed and dishes to eat out of and food in the fridge and that we loved them and he didn't give us a hard time ... the next cop to come told Anne I was crazy and went on and on and called DSS And the case was dismissed again I hate DSS but the last lady was the nicest of them all. Anne the drunk was on medical leave in the spring and was constantly watching our house and what we were doing and would sit on her porch. Had it not been for Dusty I would have gone insane .... he was such a support through all of that . I loved him she would sit out there and watch us and we would just sit out there and play and enjoy Dusty and ignore her while she drank her beer and have fun. She was ill and we were happy she tried her best to make us miserable but Dusty kept us GROUNDED. I am grateful for that .He was our rock. God used Dusty in a mighty way. Thank you God. It was a rough time. It was a rough time for all of us and it hurt to be inspected like rejects and my son was having a hard time in the 4th grade and his teachers were giving him hell and his attitude sucked and he had an african american teacher that had it in for him bad. I took him out of that class he wasn't the only one either she was not a nice lady I think it was reverse racism and it hurt. She had her doctorate and it was impressive and I liked her and helped her with supplies and snacks but it didn't matter she just never liked him. He struggled because I kept ending up in the hospital and his meds were not working. Next year we are trying the Charter School and I am enrolling my daughter in dance and home schooling her in 3rd grade material working maybe on level 2 of english not sure I took all her books back and got more for my son some phonics stuff to help him with his spelling. I am amazed at how his reading has improved so MUCH .... he is doing so well like it has tremendously improved because he used to stumble when he read and have a hard time reading out loud and now he smoothly reads his material . He was reading his Social Studies and just did it with ease and I was so impressed. I am so pleased at his progress I am looking forward to him learning more this year and at his reading comprehension. He is doing so well. He is such a hard worker and he is so intelligent when it comes to math. He is so amazing and nothing puzzles him once he grasps a concept nothing stops him. It is amazing.
I went on a date last night with my husband and was hoping for sex but was disappointed bummed out. I don't seem to have that connection with him anymore. I don't know if it is my weight or my sexuality or if it is him. He said he caught a "cold" in the restaraunt and couldn't because his back hurt and he didn't feel good. He ate too much and kept eating like a pig and didn't want too and wasn't interested in me and it really hurt my feelings never in my life have I felt so unattractive or un womanly if there is such a word. It makes me feel like "what the hell is wrong with me" if he can look at women on the internet then why can't he pay attention to me once and awhile ? He has amazing hands and wouldn't even display any affection to me last night after dinner and it hurt like hell. I don't care if I have gained weight or if he has too I think he is beautiful. You can see his picture on my profile he hasn't changed much his belly is a bit bigger ... that is all. I don't get it. I don't know what is going on . The only sex I have is with myself and it is getting old . One day someone is going to find me attractive and I don't know what is going to happen then . Someone will find me interesting and want to talk to me like he doesn't and find me amazing and treat me the way he doesn't and then I won't be able to stop myself . It will happen again and it will ruin my marriage. He doesn't love me the way he used to he loves me in a deep respectful way but I want that love that makes it fun and non-married and nasty kind. You know? The love you had when you met the one t hat made it fun and then it changes with kids and they ruin everything when they start by sleeping in your room and don't give you any space and argue all the time and hurt people's feelings . I don't understand how kids can change things so much . I adore my children but boy have they changed my life. I wouldn't change it but it has hurt my marriage a lot. I wish they would get out of my room and start sleeping in their own. But they won't and it sucks.... I miss Dusty too. He was a great Dog and helped us thru a very traumatic time I realized that today praise God for that. The whole DSS fiasco he was our rock through that sitting outside and feeding him liver treats and having him do tricks and play ball and play with his little sqeaky pig. It was a special time even though Anne tried to ruin it she couldn't. HA.
I am thankful to be writing this . It helps me to get out my feelings and over the crap that I have NO control over. I want to work out but my back hurts all the time I don't like it and I want to join the gym to get away from my kids they drive me crazy especially right now my daughters mouth is so loud...
Oh I am so aggravated and it is hard for me not to curse. Susan bought this book a bible study called taming your tongue I have lost it somewhere in the house I know it is here somewhere ... I take topomax and cleaned the living room so well I put it up somewhere safe so I would not loose it and poof it is gone . I dunno what I did with it. I am so forgetful and Susan never has understood that but Topomax is bad about making you forget stuff, I just told Susan not be my friend she wasn't very patient with me she accused me of treating her like a doormat and talked bad about me to her mom. I told her I wish I could have been a fly on the wall. She said I had mad cow disease because I repeat things so if I am repeat things sorry ....I can't help it I don't remember what I write. Half the time I don't remember what I do. I don't think my husband loves me I think he tolerates me and feels sorry for me and that is why we are still married so long he knows I have bi-polar and borderline and that means that I am a basket case for now and helpless or so he thinks I have the kids dependent and him dependent on me and so I can't finish my degree I want to become a therapist and it is impossible right now for me to go to school right now. I want to go SO BAD. I could do it. I could finisht my psychology degree... I know it.
He takes good care of me and I can't complain but rarely hugs or kisses me and it hurts but his love is the computer his computer his women on the computer or games or work that is his first and foremost love. I am tired of it but there is not a mother fucking thing I can do . I have begged and pleaded and cried and threatened and done everything I can to stop him to get him to change. It hurts. I have even found a live web site but he doesn't care ..... it so doesn't matter. His father exposed him to that shit when he was a kid and I hate his dad. What a bastard ! Pa is a loser and useless and Charlotte was the only one that mattered to my husband and he lost her 17 years ago and she was a good woman and he would not let her get the medical care that she needed. The last time I was in the hospital and had tried to kill myself my husband called Belguim to talk to his father for support and was crying to his father his dad hung up on him the bastard. I have NO respect for him ... what is this world coming to.
I did it the last time and final time because someone called I think it was a collector and I was VERY deppressed extremely depressed and I had a crappy psychiatrist he didn't care Galvarino was his name. He didn't care-I kept going and going to him and trying this and that, finally laying on the bed had been going to DBT which I hated had to keep a log of how I was feeling everyday which sucked ass and how I was coping with it what skills I was using . I was supposed to be doing school with my daughter because I had taken her out of school. Anyway I was laying in bed and this collection agency called and this mean ass told me " Why don't you grow up and pay your bills " that is something my ex-husband would have said to me so I took every bit of my medicine ... I am not telling you what it was but the phone rang again and I fell out of bed ... my house was a mess there were 2 beds in my room the twin bed from my daughter and my bed, good and plenty candy all over the floor so it looked like pills and clothes all over the living room and dishes in my sink my house was a wreck this was the very first time DSS ever came to my house. The sherriff took picture and my daughter came and got dad and told him I hit my head on the window and passed out and wouldn't answer her. He freaked I was in Cardiac Care the CCCU for 5 days and the ICU for 7 I almost did it this last time ... I remember going down the hall on the guerney and seeing faint people like ghosts and they were saying " I have seen her here before, "she is crazy ? " is she going to make it" it was terrible... I was so scared I could see through them and they were really there I know they were spirits of people that had passed before.
I hurt my husband so badly and scared him so bad after that I ended up in the Carolina Center committed for hurting myself and so upset and disheartened and lost I didn't know what to do. I hate when I get like that. My pristiq seems to be working right now a lot better and I don't need to go but on Thursday I needed to go somewhere and the Hospital told me I needed $5000 to come in which I didn't have I wasn't about to go to the e.r. and be locked up in the dungeon for sure. There is this one hospital here that locks you up its basement and puts you in scrubs and escorts you by the police even if you are just depressed they treat you like a criminal it is ridiculous.
Dusty was an integral part in our healing last year and I was so happy about it. He healed our hearts he was our angel. I am grateful for that I don't know if he knew the joy that he brung into our home but he did and he was funny as shit too. He would growl if you tried to pick him up sometimes and he was comfy in my lap or by me or in the covers he loved to snuggle for sure he was a lover. I loved him. I am going to gather everyone together in a moment and say a prayer in memory of him in the front yard because that is what I need to do . He brought me so much incredible joy. I miss him and it is time to bring to closure to the wound now finally to end it once and for all. I will always love him now and forever. A prayer for him will do it.
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