You might be asking what I mean by that ? I mean this, all these years I have had an 'out' if things got rough I would O.D. on pills I would just try to do it. I would get overwhelmed and do it. I would basically give up and that was partially because I had the wrong shrink that wasn't giving me the right meds, and my life is extremely stressful and I am fed up. I don't know what my answer is now. I wish I could feel comfortable putting my kids in school but I can't my daughter was practically molested EVERY year she was at school by some punk ass boy and my son is supposed to know things that he doesn't. The only thing he is on track on is his math. His English is behind by a couple of years thanks to the "no child left behind act" and his reading sucks. My daughter well I am letting her breath and I do school almost every day this summer with my son. It is GRUELING I am coming out of my skin. Then there is the housework and never ending laundry and the fact the dogs aren't potty trained and I am having to clean up after them. I have the Kirby but broke the belt and so I had to take a MOP and scrub his floor with it and then use my old water vacuum that doesn't clean but sucks and my son sucked the water off the floor for me. It no longer is stinky in his room. I think we are going to go and get him the futon bed at Sams this weekend so he can stop sleeping on the floor in my room. I can't take it. My daugher will NOT sleep in her room, she is too afraid. She might if she actually had a decent bed in there I don't know but the bedrooms are so FAR away from mine that it is ridiculous. I think I will move Topher's room into Maya's and then My daugher's into the dining room and get her a bed in there. I am tired of it. I WANT the kids OUT of my room. It must happen NOW. End of story !
I need my bed to myself my space my time if I want to watch t.v. or do something in my room or take a shower or do something in my room alone with my husband I am sick of the kids being in there. It is ridiculous, and I am taking charge damnit. They run over me and it is time to get my life back. GRRRR!!!!! I am proposing this IDEA to my husband and running with it.
There is NOTHING in her room except loose stuff and a bed would go in there so much easier than in the dining room and a smaller bed would go in the dining room would go in her room easier. I am doing it . Next paycheck it is time to do hers. Her room is already painted and done in cream, a perfect boys color, and has a door, so that is final. It is done. Problem solved. There are adjustable lights in the dining room and no door to block light out for her to be afraid and she can see I have just bought a nightlight too a pretty one. She can have that. We can get both of them a futon bed and set it up. They are full size at $350 a piece it will be affordable. I just need sheets for them that match. Eventually I can paint her room Blue to match her curtains.
Did I mention my doctor's appoinment? It went sucky, last Friday I went to the doctor Dr. Weaver to be exact and he didn't treat me with ANY dignity or respect. I wore a long skirty and a nice shirt and my hair in a bun and no make-up. You could see my tat's but it was not like they are vulgar. I have a butterfly progression and a sun with the words of Buddah that says "With our thoughts we make the world" Which is true. I would have something from Jesus but it is hard to pick. I like the one that says When your father and mother forsake you the Lord will take you up. That one is my favorite. My father and mother forsook me.
All of them.
It is hard to feel like you are not wanted not even by your own. I want a nice caress or a kiss or love. I want to be loved. I have so much love to give and it is hard it is making me hard hearted. I can't even give hugs to my children anymore because I get NO affection from my spouse. I have to ask for a kiss or a hug or whatever. Shit I have a tear running down my cheek and I can't even cry about it. I am not crying just one single tear. He says he loves me but I think he feels sorry for me. He was on the phone yesterday for business, now mind you I grew up VERY poor in a trailer to a german mom who taught me ballet and culture and now I am more course around the edges because I am tired of taking people's shit. LIKE the Doctor's who when I gave him my shrink's lab paper didn't do my LIVER PANEL or give me theyroid meds or an inhaler and I smoke. I was OUT of a lot of meds and he didn't even contact my old doctor for crying out loud I told him my last cholesterol test was like 800 and he didn't increase ANYTHING so I am reporting a complaint to the STATE BOARD. May he rot I am certain I am not the only one he has done this too.
Other people in their seer-sucker pant's and pink ties may get away with this but I am educated and know that I have rights and deserve respect just because I and I capitalize I because damnit I deserve respect. I do. I didn't go through my hellacious life to get where I am today to take crap of a two bit doc that thinks I owe him something when I don't know him from adam. I was respectful and brought my husband and daughter thankfully and they are witnesses to the whole thing and the lab drew 5 vials of blood none of which were for what I needed I am sure I was NEVER contacted about anything and had to go to an ER to get medication because I felt so bad. Thankfully the doc there gave me medication without asking or doing labs. He was so nice. Dr. Weaver had a whole week, when I lit into his staff I told them I will NEVER be returning and they might be hearing from my attorney.
I have no rights to a case through an attorney per one but I am filing a complaint and I will put down EVERY detail . I have a place on my left shoulder like a bump that I had scratched that Dr. Patel would have biopsied but this doc was like "I can't see it for all the ink of your tattoo" what a turd. Some people are so self-righteous and one day he is going to need someone to take care of him. God sees EVERYTHING and he will pay for the treatment he has given others.
I see people homeless and from the manor house and I am more liable to give those people my respect that someone that has money. Wealthy people think that those of us that stay home as mothers or that have mental illness' are just ignorant and can't get jobs. I was at the top of my field once and was the 2nd person in Texas to get a certificate for medical billing and EVERYONE WANTED me in Dallas, TX. I scored 100% on the test. I am brilliant when it comes to remembering stuff, I speak spanish. I am trying to learn Dutch but can't get past the accent and only am able to pronounce German like what my mother spoke to me. It makes me sad. God I miss her. I wish I would not have been made to be afraid of my parent's by leska and rueben they should be ashamed.
My mother was a human being. Leska tried to get me to love her through fear that is not love. I hate her now. I always will I don't think I will EVER forgive her, or the things she did to me and although the things she did made me stronger they made me mean and hateful and I act like that at times to my kids. I hate that part of my soul I wish I could wash that filth away. I hate myself sometime. I was trying to have a conversation with God last night and my nieghbor anne snuck out on the front porch to listen. Why can I not talk to my God without her listenting ? She is such a bitch and reminds me or Leska. The looks when you are in your front yard or driving by the nagging voice. When I used to be her friend I would go over and help her clean and she used to make me do things over and over it was NEVER good enough.
What a dork.
I am going to go now. I am sad and I need to take my medicine. I am not leaving my house this weekend. I talk to you all because I have no one else to listen to me I think. I have "surface friends" but not ones I can pour my soul out to EVERYONE has ALWAYS thought me to be a weirdo except my dog dusty. now he is gone.
I ask again. What am I going to do ? What is my escape now that I do not have death to use ?
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