I am 39 and I never would have thought at this age I would have been bullied by someone. Yes in my younger years I expected it with my frizzy hair and awkwardness, but not now. I don't know why it is happening. I am glad though that on Saturday God prepared me for the battle at hand. I thought initially it would have been for my grandma who was going through a grieving process but NOPE it was for me. I am grateful though that my heart was primed and ready for the task ahead and I did not curse Anne Fincher out. It was a great moment that I was yelling "God Bless You " instead of all the other things I have yelled before. She was calling me names and telling me how fat I was (which actually wasn't true I have lost a whole person now haha) and I corrected her on that one, it wasn't good enough for her still of course because she is still smaller than me lol. I know nothing is good enough for her though, it never is. I have been to her house and it is like she likes to bring people down and make them feel ashamed of who they are and feel stupid and lower and bring their self-esteem lower because that was done to her when she was small. (She told me once her father used to do it to her about her math.). Her parents were never supportive. I know that is why she is an alcoholic, she has a mental illness, and OCD, she cleans like a mad woman and everything has to be just so or it isn't right. I remember trying to help her clean and she would always correct me. It was scary. I have been cleaning since I was 7 years old and been taught by a Psychiatric nurse *I am not sure if this is supposed to be capitalized. Anyway nurses are known to be paranoid of germs. She gave me my OCD. I gave my OCD to my son. ugh it is a vicious cycle.
I am going to my therapist on Friday at 3 pm and my pdoc at 11:40 on Thursday. I can't wait he is giving me something for my nightmares. I have been having a bunch of dreams that have been bugging me and getting to me and I can't handle them. I need to deal with my childhood memories of this Leska character that was in my past that raised me from 7-14 years old. It was rough. She was hell on wheels. She has Borderline personality disorder if anyone does and she gave it to me honestly. Anne reminds me of her. You see it is strange the similarities they have. They both would constantly watch me and stare at me, listen to everything I said in a sneaky sort of way and sneak up on me to see if I was doing something ANYTHING wrong and call me all sorts of names. ugh. What sicko's. I feel sorry for Anne, she really has problems, she needs to get a life. I was on my front porch (I have put up my Christmas stuff and I know this is CRAZY!!) but I need to stay cheered up and it reminds me of Jesus. I don't have the tree lit up just up with decorations and it is pink. It is VERY beautiful. I love it. I love Christmas. I dunno. It isn't the presents its the holiday, Jesus the birth of Christ. People don't remember the beauty of Christmas they are too focused on buying gifts I like to enjoy the snow and the beauty of it. I love the season. All of it.
What is the point to life if you don't do something bizarre once and awhile ? I am tired of being like everyone else. I am not. When I was a freshman in high school I bought a t-shirt in Galveston TX that said "Why Be NORMAL?" and the normal was upside down...... I never have followed the pack. I never will I won't . I don't really celebrate Halloween, even though I am of the medium species, I believe VERY strongly in Angels and God and the spooky stuff scares me.
Btw it brings me to the following entry: I have for the last 3 days had my outside radio turn off and switch stations and the outside lights stay on longer which is abnormal. I got some hangers (wire) because that is how i communicate with the passed on. I can't really get anything from them but guess they are unhappy about the Christmas Decorations and me going to the bonus room to get them and disturbing them. sigh- what can I do ? I also went into the basement to get a couple of couch chairs but I think it was the attic that I disturbed the man. I felt him on the front porch. He used to be a slave. I think he heard me reading Maya Angelou's poetry too to my friend (on the phone) the other day. She writes so beautifully. It inspires me to be a better person to my fellow man.
Well my shoulder is hurting. I must go. The hurricane is heading to where I am I think I can feel it in my bones. Jesus Be with us all.
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