Well I called my ex-friends son a little bastard because he threatened me ... you see he thinks he is his mother's husband. He is totally 'enmeshed' with her. I know about this because I studied it in college and have been in therapy for so many years. She tells him EVERYTHING about her life and he is gullible enough to believe every word and take it to heart because he is only 13. He is trying to protect his mother. He calls me at 10 am this morning and tells me " I told you never to call my house again". I just told him off. Prior to that conversation I had spoken with his father and apologized for throwing away a c.d. that Billie had given me because I didn't want it. It had THE TRUTH on it. I don't want to hear the Church of Christ's version of the 'the truth'. Jesus came for all men and women and children to be saved and it is not some certain church that is going to save the world. There were several different churches formed in different cities and honestly I believe you can have church in your heart. It does say "do not forsake the assembling together of yourselves" but I have panic attacks. I have bipolar and people have laid hands on me and told me I was 'healed' tried to pray demons out of me on women's retreats and all sorts of nutty stuff... I have even heard and been looked at DEAD IN MY EYES by a preacher's wife and been told we don't know what's in you ? ugh. So I have quit going .Look I can't help it .. I have a disease, if it was a heart condition it would be acceptable. If I have to go to a mental hospital I am a nutcase. What a big drag man. You know they NEVER show people with bi-polar home schooling like I do, or baking or as chefs or doing cool stuff its only in the news when someone with it looses their mind and kills someone. ugh.
My goodness. I have calmed down A TON since my hospitalization. God prepared me today. It was a nice day, my best friend Amy and her husband came over. He has started cutting the grass for us they need the money and we need the reliability. The other guy was never showing up until after the 20th and by then the grass was a foot high. grrrrr the neighbors would get mad ( ESPECIALLY Anne...) Well this is what happened today. Amy and I went to the gas station, I bought some junk and got her money for cutting the grass and won us (me $20) and her $5 on scratch offs I think God just blessed me cuz I gave the girl in there $2 for a drink she had NO money whatsoever. I thought then shoot she has no money I just won $20 I am going to buy her lunch. I would fritter away a million dollars in a heartbeat. My husband said I am like St. Francis who went naked to give his clothes to some children. lol. Anyway I brought her the lunch and spent the other $20 on scratch offs not knowing they were $10 a piece... duh check the price next time Tatti ! I was not going with instinct or perceptiveness just shooting blanks so to speak. Anyhoo, my shoulder hurts ! Add moment ugh....been up all night putting up Christmas stuff will explain.
Clear thought. I get home and Jeremy Amy's husband sits down and has a smoke and Anne (neighbor from Hades) comes to the end of her driveway to the middle of the street with her dumb dog and says " I hope you are going to blow this grass off the street and Jeremy replies "NO ma'am I'm not I was gonna let the rain wash down the drain.." She interrupted him and started blurting out WELL THEN IM CALLING THE HOME OWNERS ASSOCIATION !!!!!!!!!! blah blah blah. I responded calmly but sternly over and over "do what you need to do" then she cursed me a blue streak in front of God children and EVERYONE " Mother Theresa would have smacked her. I just blessed her. A week ago I would have gotten up ran down the stairs and beat the snot out of her but today because I got in my Bible and read about TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK to my grandmother (who just lost her daughter in a terrible accident).... I did not know God meant that FOR ME.
I would sell my house to the worst person in the world for a dollar if I were loaded to the hilt. I really would . I would LOVE To do that. I would give it away to someone that had 7 kids she hates african american people. They don't put up with people like her. They are proud and strong people and don't tolerate people with ignorance. I read Maya Angelou's poetry she is a strong black woman. I want to be like her. Although I will never be black I want to be strong and confident. I named my daughter after her. I know she is gonna be something special.
Right now as we speak, my nieghbor's garage light (which she is turning off and on - it shines into my bedroom window) what she doesn't know is I bought about 4 curtains EXTRA thick to keep her dumb light out.
She is a bully I am gonna let God deal with her. I have thought about suing her for my hospitalization she ought to pay it she contemptibly antagonizes me but now it so doesn't bother me. My priorities are straight I cried today, I corrected her on my weight. She was wrong about that. I could be neater true .... I need help in that area.... but God's word says I am a wonderful and marvelous creation. God don't make no junk. You are a wonderful and marvelous creation. I was so upset earlier. Now I just feel sorry for her. The bitterness and anger that she has and drowning it in alchohol. What a sad exsistence. She called me a pill popper too. I can't help it. My therapist asked " think about the things you can change and the things you cannot change ..." I will ALWAYS be on meds for the rest of my life if I want to live a healthy life in my mind ....it might make my liver fail but I would rather live a full life mentally and be stable than be sad all the time and kill myself in the process of trying to live longer. I wasn't happy before.
You have to make peace. Jesus gives me peace. Today- I put up my Christmas stuff. If I have to live her under these circumstances being bullied by her I want to keep Jesus around me close to my heart.
Oh you know what. All this bullying is causing nightmares about my childhood. My daughter put some rosary beads on my pillow the other nights I was having a terrible dream and woke with them in my hand ... How is that possible ? Angels or my mother in law. It was hers. Thats my only guess, I am guessing it was momma.
Well love to all who read this and I bid you peace. I recommend a book " A Wrinkle in Time" very cool ! read it or share it with your children ages 8 and up. VERY ADVENTUROUS 3 Kids looking for their dad well 2 of the childrens dad..... bye now !
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