I don't know why it is but in life we relate that relationship we have with our earthly father to that of our Heavenly Father. In the spiritual realm this is not good because it makes things more difficult for us. God is all merciful and good and wants us to receive no harm and our earthly fathers are of this world and can let us down.
I know this sounds bizzarre. Everyone we come across we are a part of, and inevitably must respect and accept whether they are of a different race, creed or religion. I am not attempting to preach but sharing what I have realized in my short time on earth. St. Francis said," A sinner is lead back to God by humble meekness rather than creal scolding". I believe we can all apply this to our everyday lives even if we are not christians. I think if we are offended by someone it is important to be gentle rather than hateful. I AM NOT GOOD
at THIS and it frustrates me I lose my temper a LOT ! too much !! Just twice yesterday I had to go back (that I can remember and eat my words with grown adults that were not in my family). I eat words all the time in my own family. I don't try to be mean but having bi-polar is not a good combination with being a woman, your cycle and 2 kids home schooling and a work at home spouse.
I just want everyone to feel 'normal' in my blog. Especially mothers of mid-pre teen children and it is hard. I have an 8 year old and a 12 about to be 13 year old. lol, and He is someone to be reckoned with. He has not been taking his depression medicine for who knows how long and suffers from sensory disorder and may have aspebergs. I am so stressed because it is going to be over 6 months before I can get him any help. It will be next year before I can see the psychologist at the specialist office.
I am amazed how different he is off his meds. At first I didn't know and then he burst into tears on and off and I caught him yesterday. I flat out asked him how long it had been and he said a couple of months. I am worried he does not understand the seriousness of taking medication and going cold turkey off of it. Just now his favorite toy got chewed up he is pissed and slamming stuff around. I am at a loss, typing here because it gives me solace. I don't know how many read this but I honestly don't know what is wrong with him. He is a great kid and looking at him you would not see anything but when you 'deal' with him there is something there. It is difficult for everyone in the family especially him. He feels so frustrated and like he is letting everyone down and he hates to take his medicine. He was so angry with me when he took his medicine. He said " It is always about the medicine". It was so hateful (his tone of voice). I don't know why but he is so angry and I do know that is how depression shows up in children. His chemicals in his brain are messed up. He has had to see his mom try to hurt herself several times (not literally) but be in the hospital. It has scarred his brain and caused ptsd I am sure. I can't feel guilty I was seeing quacky, dingy doctors that had me seriously overmedicated. I wasn't thinking straight. Oddly enough they are still in practice. Karma is a bitch though. It will come back to haunt them. On a side note once when I was admitted to a terrible hospital where an old doctor of mine was going to be on call he sent me away to another hospital (which was good for me I got better treatment anyhoo). I just think my son unfortunately doesn't realize what a dramatic difference medication can have with depression. If we had cancer it would be more acceptable. I know he doesn't want to end up like me. That is what I am getting what my inner capabilities are telling me.
I just had a good friend tell me that he should be "over it" by now. I am angry about it, because people that are traumatized in their childhood don't just frigging " GET OVER IT" . I am so pissed that I want to scream and my son is being a turd. I don't know why he is choosing or not I can't tell but he is SO incredibly mean to me. I don't fucking deserve this.
I had such a lovely weekend too with my family in the mountains. No computer, or t.v. or phones around to bother us. We fished for trout and examined their insides looking at specifically their respitory system which we are studying in science. (We had to gut and clean the fish). No arguing, no fighting , board games walking and antique shopping going through the mountains, looking and picnicing, views and beauty and rest. Sheer and utter unadlterated quiet. I was shocked totally. I went to bed Friday and woke up Saturday and had NO CLUE where I was it took a couple of minutes to get my bearings.
I have to print out the " Serenity Prayer" it is important for us to identify the a. things we cannot change , the things we can change and what the wisdom that lies therein. I had a therapist help me with that one in the hospital. (My neighbor like to call me a pill head, I got over it by doing that and accepting the fact I will ALWAYS be on medication. It is final ! Or I would be dead.... I don't want that.
love -me
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