I am tired of all the arguing !!!!

Damnit I want peace in my home. I want peace so bad that I am ready to leave my husband but I have not means to. I am trapped like a rat. I am stuck in this shit like I can't imagine. I am home schooling my children and must do so to get them on track because both of them fell behind in school and missed quite a bit. My son NEVER learned the basic grammar and my daughter kept failing in math yet the teacher passed her. They are both very bright but I feel the responsibility is on me to guide them into the right path.

My spouse yells at my son like he is a dog. I was angry at my spouse because I went to the grocery store and wanted to come home and cook as it was noon when I got back. He was laying down watching t.v. and since I have been sick all week I haven't been able to get much done but school.  I was furious, and he said " I tried" and I was like "what you don't think my back hurts?" Seriously don't give me a cop out when my back is messed up and I need help too. I am tired of it. He griped because he was like I didn't get my sleep....ugh he is constantly griping and bitching and I am sick of it. The glass is always HALF EMPTY. I am tired of it. Jesus above help me get through this time in my life. I am not all prissy like I was I smoke and he complains because I am not like I was when I was married to Mark. He say I bring up Mark more than I do our marriage. He hates me and who I am now. He even admitted he didn't like me anymore. I don't know how a mate could hurt a person more. I don't think I can touch him ever again. He has hurt me beyond hurt. I don't think I am going to kiss him EVER again. I am who I am and he doesn't appreciate me. The things I tell him he thinks are bologna and that I am hallucinating and my imagination is working overtime. He doesn't understand my spirituality nor does he appreciate it and it hurts.  I give up trying to be his friend and he won't be my lover. I don't have a real relationship with him. He is an asshole to Christopher and he has problems he may have bi-polar and I can't see that specialist with him for another 6 months. so ??? what am I supposed to do. I am fucked stuck in this marriage unappreciated and yelled at and mistreated and everyone that knows him thinks he is so god damn great. He is a jerk. A big ugly mean ass jerk and I think he goes on here and reads this because I sign out and every time I go to type on my blog I am already signed in. I go on the porch to be alone because I HATE t.v. and don't think that it is worth shit to watch and it rots your brain. That is why I go outside to be with God and nature. I talk to God and listen to music. I am so fed up with this stuff him bitching and it does not motivate me to be a better person it just brings me down.  That is what it does maybe if he was somewhat nice to me I would clean more or do more but I hate being around him . He needs to see a shrink. I pray to God things change if they don't then eventually I am going to leave his ass and be ALONE.  I am tired of this shit. I don't need the emotional abuse and neither does he and my kids surely don't need to hear all the yelling and fighting when it does happen. We are stressed about money and that causes the arguments but it is not an excuse to belittle my son. My son my have autism or something and when he (husband ) starts on him he doesn't let go. He is like a roaring lion eating him alive.  He just won't shut up and tears him down. I at least apologize when I am a jerk I know when I have crossed the bounds of being an asshole. I apologize. Not him he just says everything like my son is a man grown and can take it and my son sits on the floor with his hands over his ears and cries and cries and says how bad he is and then today my husband was telling him to "STOP IT" and making fun of him. Like it was easy not to be upset under those circumstances. Oh my God Jesus Lord how I would love to leave. I am getting my son into counseling. I hope my husband keeps his pdoc appt. I hope he does. He needs to go desperately. I am going to go now. I feel like shit and my life is shit and I want to crawl in a hole and die but I have kids to live and protect. I am not doing anything stupid. I don't have that option.