Well it is surprising but I am in a bad mood as usual LOL

I am struggling with what I am not sure. Demons I guess from the past they never leave me alone. I am tiring of battling with my past as usual, dreams, visions and just the waking up several times a night is getting old.  I can NEVER sleep through a night no matter how much melatonin I take. Ambien is like me drinking coffee and taking a vyvanse. I just stay awake... I asked my doctor for a prescription of Lunesta to help me sleep and now thanks to my Internal Medicine doc I have no money left. Twice in a months time he charged me $500 to ask me "Do you want to quit smoking ?  " I told him I didn't have the money to be charged for that but he did it again anyway. What an ass ! He is the reason that they want to socialize healthcare... I am sick of doctors really. Except for my shrink and tdoc that is all. I wish I NEVER had to go to a regular doc again. 

I am a reformed medical biller, reformed meaning I would never collect for another doctor if they paid me millions of dollars. I think that insurance companies don't pay the way they should but looking at charges from this said doctor, that I thought cared about my husband and mine's well being well I think he is just full of shit now. I am trying to figure out how to get the money he charged me back the dishonest fuck !  I don't know what to do, just because he went to medical school does not give him the right to recklessly charge for unnecessary procedures. I am just sickened now - I have to wait until payday to see any other doctor. He didn't get me an appointment at the right facility for a breast exam (I have a lump) and I am NOT going back  to him even if it means something awful happens to me physically. I am going elsewhere to see a physician that actually gives a shit and is not trying to pay for an office he can't afford.

I have gone on long enough. I am tired of fighting to live, tired of fighting with my emotions. I honestly wish Jesus would call me home. I am sick of living, and not because I don't love my family either. I am just not happy, maybe the prozac isn't working but I am just tired and can't get motivated with anything. I know I should not base what is going on with my feelings but having bi-polar and constant nightmares every night just sucks. I am easily worn out lately. I hope my meds kick in soon I am ready to go to bed. 

Best wishes to all of you,

Tatjana