I never realized how much being a mother identified me. I just don't get how a successful, bright and fun person has "just become a mother" and is now stuck doing that .... I don't get it. I used to work and go to school and have a life outside what I saw around me. Once I became a mother I sacrificed EVERYTHING and just do that. I don't mind don't think I am complaining but I have seen both sides. I have had the 'career' and had the family. I prefer the family, what I miss though is the intellectual stimulation you get from other adults. My husband is NOT much of a communicator. I would like to add however that he did give me a card for Valentines Day that basically said the best thing he EVER did in his life was marry me. That made me feel absolutely loved and YES I cried when I read it. I also got a yellow rose... I am so grateful to have such a wonderful family. I just wish I could go back to school read literature and learn something maybe french or speak Spanish fluently. I do speak it conversationally and it comes natural but I just wish I KNEW more about the world. I am seeing a psychic next weekend for sure to see where and what I need to do. I was to take classes from her and I have given my first reading although I didn't get paid I was at a salon and got a discount. I 'knew' things that astounded the lady and it was interesting afterwards I got a migraine. I think it was bad energy and I don't know how to cleanse my aura from things that are going on in other people's lives. I am anxious for my son to come home tomorrow. I am going to clean his covers and carpet and make his room smell nice for him. I love him so. I love both my kids I just really miss him he is away at a church retreat. He is really a wonderful kid especially since he is off all the medication he was on. I am a lot better too since I quit taking Prozac and Vyvanse. I don't like those drugs they make me mean. I was losing a lot of weight from not eating but it isn't worth it if you are a bitch.
I will go now have things to do. I hung hearts in the dining area with the qualities I love about the people in my family. I even included my dogs past and present. I miss them especially my St. Bernard Kylie and Dusty. I loved them so. I will go now if you mom's want something cool to read, "52 things every mom should know " is a GREAT book. I got the idea for hanging those hearts for V day out of it. It really is an inexpensive valentine. I got the hearts on strings from JoAnn's Craft store and hung them up with red ribbon and yarn. I would suggest you do them too. It is beautiful and so special. It will be a tradition that I have forever.
God bless those of you who read it. I pray that you will have a great weekend and know that God's love is EVERLASTING ... God will never give up on us the way we give up on ourselves. I don't understand His ultimate sacrifice or grace I only wish I had that quality. I wish to be more like Jesus. I fail miserably all the time but you know it is a journey this life we have and a gift. I will cherish it forever. It seems the older I get the more I understand how important it is to give love. I have cried this weekend because my son is away and I miss him so. I don't know if you parents out there get that but it is hard when you home school your kids and they are your life. I am not the neatest parent as far as house keeping probably because I have had to do it my whole life but I make sure my kids are played with and loved and fed and cherished in a way I never was and that is my legacy. When I die I don't want people telling my kids what I was told about my mother "she kept you so clean, or ... the house was always immaculate...." I want people to remember my humour and my laugh and my love and the fact that I ALWAYS tell people I love them. I want my kids and husband to remember that I loved them even after I die. I know my spirit will linger around my children until they are with me I will NEVER leave them. I love them too much and they need a mother who will see them through. I know I don't have much longer on this earth I don't know why I feel this so strongly but I don't think I will make it past this year. Actually I never thought I would live this long. I am blessed to have kids and often feel ill equipped to deal with the rigors of being a mother. I fail a lot .I never don't love my family though. I talked to Steve on Friday he told me Arsela passed and they held her funeral that day. I almost got into a fist fight with her when I had my son on July 4th weekend at Grandma Nadine's house. I did tell her that I loved her recently and you know it felt good to let bygones be bygones. You must apologize and love before it is too late. My neighbor walked through my yard the one I can't stand and well I did not say a word. I am thankful to God because I have changed He changed me. I still get mouthy and angry but I am a better person than I was before. I love God and I think that is the key to finding your peace in this world. Someone or something greater than ourselves has to be in control because we would just mess everything up.
Still haven't had relations but I love my husband now more than ever our committment runs deeper than fleshly actions it is a soul thing. I would NEVER be with anyone else. I love him and him alone.
It is funny how our perspectives change .
I have to say my son freaked me out when he told me that he "GOT SHOT in THE LEG and was in the ER" today. Especially after he did a service project in a bad neighborhood. I was freaking out. Did it hit his big artery and is he going to be ok ? I was so beside myself, and then he laughed and I knew he was full of shit. I love him he is so much like me it is scary. I pray to God my family has a good life no matter what, I need God's neverending grace to see it through. Thanks to all who like my blog and read it. God bless.
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