I am so incredibly sad today

I can't quit thinking about what if I loose my dog Dusty I don't want to. I love him to much... He is so precious to me and I adore him so. I took him shopping yesterday and that kind of cheered me up but not really. I loved on him a lot too. I dunno I gave him some of my ravioli last night he liked that. He likes cheese really well. He enjoyed it. If he isn't going to be on this earth long then I want him to be happy. He doesn't like dog food and only eats it out of necessity. I want him to be healthy but have to give him his pills in wieners because he won't swallow them otherwise. He takes them right away which is good and seems to have stopped coughing.

This is a trial I was not ready for. I think I could have handled the breast lump gung ho but not my dog having heart problems, its all I can think about. I am so incredibly sad and I listen to music I think about life without him and all the loneliness I would feel and how miserable I would be. I was bawling earlier, just while ago and it hurts my heart aches. I don't know how long he will be around with his heart condition. My husband tells me not to worry myself but I can't help it. I have only once in my life been really close to another animal and Spunkles was her name. She was a wire hair Dachshund and she was my life. She protected me from my ex-husband when he would try to hit me and get between us when we would argue and fight. She would fend him off and bark and fight him off of me. It was amazing the way she protected me from him. When she died in the vets office I nearly passed out I was so broken. I went to her because she was already gone and got down in my dress and heels on my knees and told her "she would always be my baby and I would always lover her and always think of her " and she came back! She took one LONG breath and let me know she heard me and then she was gone. She had already passed before I got there but she came back to let me know she heard everything I said. It was amazing ! I grieved for 2 years after she died and then got strong enough to leave him my ex and knew she was with me that first year. I would hear her collar or feel her jump on the bed. I had a dream I went to the window where we buried her and she bit my hand, my pastor told me that was her telling me to let her go. To move on. It was so hard, so very hard. I put an angel on her grave and when I moved out I took the angel with me to remember her by.

I can not loose Dusty that would kill me. I don't want to, it will demolish me on the inside and I don't think I could take that kind of a loss again. I don't let pets get close to me but he was meant to be mine and he adores me he never stops kissing me and loving me and he chose me. God gave him to me because he KNEW I wouldn't give up and take him back when I found out he had a heart murmur I would already be attached and in love with him and never give him back. The funny thing is he was only sold for $250 and they were like "he needs to go to a good home", that was a sign right there something was wrong .  I didn't see it though I was blind to his cuteness and loving nature. He never barked or growled at me like he does at strangers he was so sweet like he knew we were meant to be partners in crime. I adore him with my spirit. I don't even think my healing abilities are strong enough to touch his heart. I know I can't close the hole in it for sure and can't keep fluid from building up so I just have to pray. It is beyond my capabilities. I am not that strong of a healer yet. I don't know how to control it yet I am a minimal healer and have to do it repeatedly. I am unable to just do it once and a person get better. I have to do it a couple of times. I don't understand my gift yet. I need to study and learn from someone. I need help. I need a master to teach me about my gifts and understand them or else I will never grow and learn .  I have contacted someone locally but have gotten no response. I am desperate though I so want to learn more about my gifts. I want to help others. I really do.

God has a lesson in all of this for me I understand that and take it that way. I don't know what it is yet but will take it a moment at a time. I do NOT regret getting Dusty, nor do I regret loving him because he is a precious animal with many insightful gifts and he loves with his whole being. Once he knows you he loves you and he doesn't take it lightly. He never did really like that one kid though. He knew his nature for sure. That one mean kid that made that comment, Dusty tolerated him but would never let him get too close and would bark at him because animal KNOW humans for sure!  Dusty is a good judge of character .... I know my dog and whatever time he has on this earth will be a blessing to me and to the people he comes into contact with. The only people he doesn't like are strangers. I can't help that though he is after all a chihuahua... a darling one. He is brown with white mixed in and so incredibly sweet . I love him my gosh I love this dog.  He has such a giving soul. He is smart too, I had him doing tricks over the summer it now seems kind of irrelevant but he could do them. He used to sit on the blanket in the front while we would play and hang out and be there with us and sometimes run away but not often. Man is that dog fast! Now he runs to my neighbors house to see his girlfriend he loves her she is some fancy $1500  that they had to have financed. You know you are a red-neck if you finance a dog LMAO ..Anyway that is his girlfriend. He is IN LOVE with Katie Scarlett and wants to make mad passionate love to her if he could reach her . I know he can't though he isn't tall enough. I want him to be happy and content and feel all the love we have for him for as long as he has. I want him to know how much he is loved. I am broken but strong and hanging in there knowing God has a plan for Dusty and has already used him in a mighty way in my life and the lives of the people around me . I care for Dusty and show him that by the way I treat him. He is sometimes naughty but I don't care I let him get away with murder, I don't care. He is too precious to me. I dunno, I have to have him muzzled at the vet's office because he doesn't trust the vet. He is so secure with me and trusts only me, it makes me feel good but he won't change that. I don't know how to help him calm that down. I think it is just part of his chihuahua nature.

I pray for him and want him to be miraculously healed. I don't think it will happen though and I don't think he is long for this earth as my papa once put that to me before he passed. I just have a 'feeling'. Something inside me says that Dusty isn't going to live a very long life. I must enjoy my precious time with him that I have and swallow it up for all it is worth. I am just thankful it is not one of my children that is sick. How much worse would that be ?

I am already broken over my dog. If it were my child I would die inside. There is always something to be thankful for. Always. Merry Christmas to all of you.