I love the Foo Fighters... I want this song played at my funeral actually I want a party instead of a funeral. I don't want a drab boring thing where everyone is sad and depressed the afterlife is a party ! I just want balloons and cake and music that I liked. I want to be creamated and my ashes dumped in the mountains somewhere where the wind can carry them far far away. I don't think this is depressing to state this because if I don't write this down somwhere no one will know my wishes. I have thought about this and must make this known to my loved ones some way. So what better way then my blog.
Home lyrics
Wish I were with you but I couldn't stay
Every direction leads me away
Pray for tomorrow but for today
All I want is to be home
Stand in the mirror, you look the same
Just lookin' for shelter from the cold and the pain
Someone to cover, safe from the rain
And all I want is to be home
Echoes and silence, patience and grace
[ From : http://www.elyrics.net/read/f/foo-fighters-lyrics/home-lyrics.html ]
All of these moments I'll never replace
No fear of my heart, absence of faith
And all I want is to be home
All I want is to be home
People I've loved, I have no regrets
Some I remember, some I forget
Some of them living, some of them dead
And all I want is to be home
I love that song. It is so true. So true about me there is not abscence of faith I remember most of the people that I have loved and there are some that have passed on like my mother and my papa. I miss them tremendously. I wish I could have known my husbands mother. It is at seasons like this (Christmas) when I don't have a big family around me that I miss mine so very much. I miss my best friend in Texas and wish to see her with my whole heart and want to hug her and tell her how much she means to me. One can never tell their loved ones how special they are too much. I love my kids with my whole heart and my sister... she is amazing she is so INCREDIBLE ! I have to say that about my bff too. My sister is going for her Masters in something like nursing to become a NP ( nurse practioner) and my BFF is amazing she works so hard on cakes and makes the most amazing creations. Little Piggy Cakes she used to do them but I don't think she is in business anymore she is doing it for fun now not for a living . I got her step ups to work in and they are going to help support her bad legs and stuff. She has bad vein things and they hurt her so I got her these shoes for Christmas to keep her from hurting. I love her so. I got my sister a Guess purse which rocked I had to get her a Kenneth Cole wallet though they didn't have any Guess wallets on hand at the store I went to. I was on a budget but got good deals and I know she will love it. I got my sisters beau (he sounds awesome and they are Finally together after all the naysayers) a t-shirt from Rue-21 which was a 2x I hope it is big enough because he is a po-po and a military guy and he is buff and it may not fit. I am not sure ? I hope she gets the present by Christmas I can't wait for her to get it she will love it ! I know it looked nice I crammed everything inside the purse-I wish I could have put a $20 in the billifold but I didn't have it. I wish I could have though. I just sent my foster dad a message on my cell phone telling him I wish they would talk to me and I started crying . I feel so isolated from them. It is hard I live far away like 17 hours and they NEVER call me or see how we are doing they won't friend me on facebook and have ignored my requests it is like I am the black sheep and I don't even know what the hell I did.
Did me going into the hospital all those times last year make them think bad things of me ? Do they not know that bi-polar is difficult to live with ? That it is a struggle. I hope that my foster mom (who is only 10 years my senior) can see now that she works in a mental hospital the struggles of a mental patient. IT fucking sucks ass ! When your meds are off you are unable to function and that is the bottom line ! I am doing good right now but the minute things are off kilter I go to the damn doctor. For 3 weeks I went to the doctor every week because I was yelling and a nervous wreck when I first started home schooling. It was hard I couldn't even think straight, and my son was testing me with his attitude. We both (my son and I ) started Intunive and he is on a lower dose then I am but we are both doing better and we don't fight and argue and he is much calmer and so am I. I noticed yesterday while driving that I didn't have the road rage when people were driving crazy around me since I have had my Chakra cleared. Whatever was attached must have been bad. I am thankful that lady closed that door for sure.
I wish they would try to have a relationship with me I want so badly to have grandparents for my children but at what cost ? I am hurting now I get no response and no matter how I try to reach out to these people that brought me up when I was a teen, and screwed up (badly) they tried their hardest to make things right. They didn't let me do things and kept me out of trouble which was AWESOME. I didn't get pregnant, went to college got an Associates Degree and ended up married early happy for a little while and divorced and they took me back in for awhile and got me back on my feet. I hated moving back in with them LOL. It was hard after being an adult and having rules put back on you. They are good people just stubborn they expect you to get over it automatically and I believe in therapy and getting help. I am who I am because of where I have come from. I don't blame people I dislike some people that brought me up but I can't help that. One specific person needs her ass kicked. I wouldn't do it though unless she hurt my kids. I would NEVER let her near them though.
I love my kids too much and when I was 17 and at her house after who I call my foster parents took me away from her ... well we went and saw her for Thanksgiving because it is that ladies mother. After my foster parents went to bed she took me back to her bedroom and asked if I was a virgin and I was proud that I was ! I told her yes ... she said NO you aren't your brother..... blah blah blah and I just started crying. That is how that lady is. EVIL. She broke my heart at 17. I was still a virgin in my heart I never gave myself up until I was true to the person that I loved. I loved him with my soul and I think part of me always will. You never forget your first love.
I went home after that and when my foster parents found out what she did they were livid. I was so fucked up after that I needed counseling but didn't get it. I didn't have nightmares thank God. I didn't relive the rape until I was 19 and married for the first time and in counseling for it. I hated going to counseling for it but now I can talk about it freely without crying or anything. I don't get upset like I used to. A true miracle of God ! I am thankful to Him for healing my heart for sure.
It never ceases to amaze me what God can do in a heart. I have hope that God can heal my family's heart toward me. My sister is the only one that claims me. Not even my foster brother claims me, he is bitter toward me too. I left him when I got married and he always used to ask me "when are you coming home" and it would break my heart. You see when the kids were small I would baby-sit them a lot while the adults went out and we would dance and I would take them to the library over the summer and read to them Dr. Suess books and Shel Silverstein. I loved those kids like they were my own ! They kept me from hurting myself a lot. I promise that. I know I never hurt myself because of those kids. It was a blessing, to have those children in my life and I loved them with my whole heart. Now my brother won't speak to me. Oh well. Such is life. I miss him though, very much. He is a good boy. I loved walking him in the park when he was fussy and no one could handle him and he would fall asleep for me. I still love him that much.
It doesn't matter if they talk to me or not I love them. I can't help it even if they hurt me by ignoring me. I just deal with it. I hang in there and suck it up. My husbands family ignores us too so there you have it. What do we do? We live alone our little family and make do. I told my husband I would haunt this family if they fight if I were to die ... if they were to argue and not get along. I would come and break dishes and plates and rattle cabinets and stuff. My son said he would be a broken vessel. I told him I would never leave his side no matter where he was I would always be with him.
I mean that too.
I believe firmly in the afterlife-I see them all around me too. I have a lady across the street that communicates thru a light in my neighbors yard . I go outside and smoke and the light will flash and I will talk to the lady sometimes but I really don't know what to say. I wonder if she is just lonely and wants company. I think so.
I wish I could help her- I don't know how.
I dunno I guess I will learn eventually. Have you heard the Plain White T's song Rythym Of Love ? It is a beautiful song. I love that song !! It is awesome, and has a beautiful message. I love to listen to that song it brings me such joy. I am going to hopefully learn more about the blessings God has given me like healing and other things and hopefully one day bless many people in God's name. I want to do that more than anything.
May this be a blessing to all who read it.
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