Hurricane Drunk By Florence + Machine
No walls
can keep me protected
no sleep
nothing inbetween me and the rain
and you can't save me now
I'm in the grip of a hurrican a
I'm gonna blow myself away
I' going out I'm going to drink myself to death
No home Idon't want shelter
No calm Nothing can keep me from the storm
and you can't hold me down 'cause I belong to the hurricane
It gonna blow us all away
I hope that you see me cause I'm staring at you but when you look over you look right trhough then you lean over and kiss heron the head
and I never felt so alive and so dead .
I'm going out
I'm going to drink myself to death
and in the crwd I see you with someone else
I brace myself cause I know its going to hurt
I'm going out......
I dunno I think this song says it all. Even though my husband is not physically having an outward relationship with women outside of the marriage it is obvious by his actions that his interest in me is lacking ... I have lost almost 20 lbs and am looking hot again. I have even noticed it myself ..I am amazed how good I look when I dress up and how good my face and make-up look and my hair since I have grown it out. I look damn good. He even blushed when he looked at me and couldn't even look me in the eyes. I looked that good. I don't know why he has to turn to his computer for satisfaction. I abhor his technology, it is his one true fascination. He spent all day with it yesterday even after he got off of work and I was so disappointed and he just left me and the kids ALONE. It hurts so badly. I am tiring of it. I take showers and that is the only way I get any satisfaction of my own. I was doing other things but came to the conclusion that it was ungodly and had to just really give it to God. I didn't want to be responsible for making him feel like less of a man . I know I had to take care of myself but I wasn't being very discreet about it and doing it out of anger. So I just did away with the things. I have almost given up on my marriage if this counseling thing doesn't help I don't know what I am going to do I guess I will wait until I am strong enough to get a job and maybe go to a tech college for some sort of degree and then leave I don't know I just feel so isolated. This is not what my marriage was about when I started. I never imagined being so damn lonely. I hate it. He blames me smoking but I go out there to have peace of mind and to be at peace, I can't stand the television constantly blaring his programs or the kids going at it so I go outside for my peace and listen to music or just nothing and hear the wind in the trees. I just listen to nothingness. I can't handle a lot and have really gotten frustrated that no one helps me at least the cleaning ladies come. NO one helps fold the laundry and I am so far behind it is ridiculous and everybody just takes their clean clothes and throws them back in the dirty ones because they don't want to put them away and I am not a slave. I am not about to run around picking up like I did after people like when I was a child . I am not forget it. I have able bodied people in my family and that is just offensive to me. I know that if I wash something they can put it up simple and plain or even fold it. I am tired of people using me like that. I am depressed and tired of being used like that. To my husband I am nothing more than a cook and dishwasher and that is all. He sees me as nothing more I can tell and I tire of it. I bet there are many women that feel this way and men too that feel like banks to their wives. I used to treat my husband like an ATM and it got old and hurt him I have quit doing that . I don't treat him like that anymore. It is rude and vengeful . I used to spend his money like water because of the porn and do things to get back at him and now well i have just given up. I don't fight with him anymore about it I just keep my mouth shut. I apologized for my sin and left it at that. Deception is not a good thing in a marriage and it is what the pastor talked about last Sunday so I asked for prayer about just how I had been living a lie and it helped me feel better. I wanted to go to church last night for the puppet ministry but I couldn't I am afraid to get involved .I am a healer and psychic and you have to lie about that kind of thing in church and I am not a liar. I would rather lay low and not get to know too many people and just be a loner. It is easier that way. When you have Bi-Polar in church people try to pray the devil out of you and I have been told "We don't know what's in you" and that I am meniacal...or my hair was because I got it colored pink and purple that it looked evil or something and what a load of BS ! I don't get it. These self righteous people tell you so much about how they are so perfect like Billy for example ... the perfect christian woman the woman I looked up to the woman who got me back into church in the first place. She is a perfect example of what you are not to do. The Bible says get the plank out of your own eye before you get the splinter out of someone elses eye and she just thought she was being so righteous with her anger if she would have come with love I would have heard her a lot clearer than in anger but you know what It doesn't matter I don't need friends I have my kids and even if my husband ignores me in Isaiah 54 it says the maker is your husband and I take that to heart. I don't need a filler for God and what he can do. I don't .. end of story , I am not going to drink I took two nerve pills today and prayed really hard the prayer of jabez so I wouldn't be grumpy and I hate doing school anymore my attitude is terrible and I am just really ready to put my son in public school it is a battle EVERYDAY and I am stinking tired of it. He lays down argues with me and i am just tired of his junk. I don't know what to do anymore it is stressing me out and depressing me. I hate school I want to move on with MY LIFE and make something happen for me isnt that selfish ? I hate what is going on with the person I have become. I hate leaving my house I am afraid of getting close to people because they are constantly rejecting or hurting me and ugly to me and I am tired of it. I have such a big heart and people take advantage of me ! I don't know how to stop it ...I am going to have to take that topic of discussion up with my tdoc
going for now. thanks for reading my blog. I hope you enjoy it.
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