well went to the hospital

I went to the hospital for a med redo, and well I just was fucked up. I kept feeling like I wanted to kick someone's ass or was going to run into a car when I was driving or in front of a truck or into something. I was NOT well. I just could not handle myself. The tdoc that ckd me in said I was having mixed states which in bp mentality means you go from drive to reverse and back again. It really sucks. I dunno what to do with myself. I am also struggling with my sexuality. I don't want to be with men at all. I mean I haven't had sex with a man (husband) for over 8 years and don't want to really not because I don't love him but I don't like penis' and find them revolting because of being raped at 6 years of age by many different people including my step-brother. He was 15 and I was six. He was probably six feet tall and wore a 13 shoe and I was tiny. I don't know what the fuck his problem was. He was a man and I was a little girl. He used a water hose on me too that is why my bladder is all fucked up. I hate the bastard. I told that to the doctor in the hospital and she was so sad she started crying. She said the girls in the facility did not EVER tell and she told me how strong I was for being able to talk about it. How can I NOT remember ? How can I not be ANGRY about it? The injustice done to children at the hands of bastards like that ? It is sick. I get mad at people driving too fast though a parking lot. If someone hurt my children I would KILL them plain and simple. I would. If I found out someone raped or molested my children they would pay dearly mark my words at the hand of God. I would not tolerate it. I would not stand by and wait for some magistrate to deal out their sentence. I don't think there is any law that fits. My best friend got raped in an alley at the age of 11. It shocked me to find out that his sentence was like 4 years . that was all. How pathetic is that ? He should have been casterated. He should have been hung. I don't know what life my step-brother is leading but from what I understand he is some so called 'christian' (which is WHY I don't go to church) church is a very loose term in most places. They let anyone in and Do not check backgrounds lol. I just heard the most creepy noise in my house. ugh that is ANOTHER STORY....

I have been having weird shit happen around my house. I don't KNOW what is going on. My so called psychic friend won't come over and bless it ( I guess she is scared lol) and the priest want me to contact a priest closer to my home and the priest closer to my home wants me to contact someone of my own faith which I don't have a 'particular faith' so I am fucked. So, I am in bed the other day after the kids have had an argument and was telling them how Jesus said to forgive 70 X 7 and the hot water faucet turnes on ... all by itself. ?  Also, a computer flies off the desk in my husbands room and knocks off a computer screen upside down .... when I am by myself. I hear voices say "we are tired of this " in unison like demonic ones in my son's room woke up at 2 am creeped me out and now I hear something shaking my dogs cage harshly. It shook it several times. I don't know what to do? If anyone has any advice let me know how to get a thing that is evil out of my house. It is creeping me out. I threw my tarot cards away. That is for sure. I am not messing with them. May God protect us. I am not giving glory to the weirdness I am not afraid I did not flinch except for when the computer flew off the desk that I was not expecting. Now I expect it. I expect something to happen. I know to protect my dogs I just let Bella out of her cage. Jesus be with us as we sleep if I can get that way. I dunno if I can. I am not tired. ugh. I had to write in my blog.

I am stressed beyond recognition. I dunno I feel stressed out and am tired of people using me. I am sick of my husband not listening to me and wanting me to "hush" , he doesn't want me to talk about what is going on in my mind or what I am thinking about or the past ... he says "he is not my therapist. I don't have any idea what happened to him prior to him meeting me or he doesn't have any idea what happened to me prior to me meeting him I guess. he knows a little of my history. I got hurt a lot. Beatings from Leska a lot of them. I followed the footsteps of my mother I think. I totally believe that she was a war child. Born from WWII she has a Polish last name so I am a german jew... I have the history behind me from what I can understand and decifer, my mothers mother -what she told me was a Jewish actress and her father was a Nazi. I am guessing she was born in a Nazi camp and adopted out. She was adopted. It sucked her life she was beaten and locked in closets and starved her foster mother was nutso like Leska. There was no telling what she had to do to survive. Then she escaped before the wall was built. She met my father sometime in 1971 and I was born in 1972 in Germany. He was in the Army, and he wasn't even there when I was born the bastard. He was NEVER there when I needed him. EVER. All the times he should have been watching over me he wasn't. He gave me to Leska his cousin and she just used me as a maid because she was to damn lazy to do her own work and it ruined my back and now I pay for it. I am only 39 and my back is all fucked up because of her. I was called Cinderella by all of her family, oddly enough my name means "PrIncess" but they don't know now is I am living like a Queen and the joke is on them. I have it easy comparitively to their lives. I guess God smiled on me thankfully . I don't know why I am a sinner too. I just don't go around beating my kids and smacking them in the head telling them they are stupid all the time and causing brain damage. You would NOT believe it ... she had me thinking that I could not think for myself and I would believe EVERYTHING she said. She made me watch the "faces of death" videos and also got a sheep with maggots in it and made me feed it a bottle it was fucking dying and she made me feed it a damn bottle while they were crawling in and out of its skin. YOU KNOW that is traumatic ! I was sitting there watching the videos and thinking why am I watching this and she had told me if I didn't watch all of them she would beat me. I got a beating for trimming my hair. Well she wouldn't let me get a haircut. What was I supposed to do. She would rip the hairbrush through my curly hair. She NEVER did it right and had patience with my tender head. It HURT ! I trimmed my hair unevenly and her daughter saw that I had done it and said "mom is gonna kill you" and she told her and then she took me to get a bob it looked so pretty. Boys started paying attention to me. It was the best time of my life. I felt so pretty. Then one Saturday when everyone was gone, she made me strip naked and lay on Maeleska's bed and facedown I laid while she took an open belt and whipped me like 45 times. and counted it everytime all over my back and ass. It hurt like hell. People would wonder why I was so defensive and angry ? I couldn't help it. I couldn't, I was hurt NO ONE EVER WANTED ME. EVER I am not sure if I am wanted now for more than a cook and dishwasher. I know he loves me but he doesn't show it. he doesn't show he loves me. I need physical affection. I NEED it. I have to have it and I haven't had it in so damn long I have forgotten what it feels like to be touched like that. I dunno am I crazy ? It just hurts. That is all. My kids are on my last nerve. They don't listen for shit and act helpless. I guess I say that because I was expected to do so much at such a young age and comparitivley they are helpless. I used to clean house at 9 my daughter won't clean the toilet it is "yucky" if I acted like that I got backhanded. I can't do that. My "leska" wants to come out but I won't let it. I refuse to because I hate her so much. She was such a shit. No one like her should ever have had Foster kids but she raised them me and many others collected money from the  gov't and was a faker and a fucker. shame on her. Ruined lives ... She has children she smuggled across the border from Mexico too and personally it drives me crazy because she has already ruined one of the kids lives and made her into me all over again what I used to be. Its terrible. She stayed with my old parents for awhile and got better started thinking clearly and leska didn't like that so she made her go back home. dumbass. Leska is coniving. Anyway Leska brought these kids over from Mexico to take care of her when she gets old because she already pissed off her own natural born children. She is that bad of a mother. I MEAN IT.

I think I have ranted and raved long enough but would like to add one more thing tonight or this morning- my dad tried to rape me twice as a teenager. What a bastard. You can't trust the man. He smacked me when I repeated what he cursed at me. He said if your damn radio is more important than your fuckin scholin than you can just quit. I said all you ever say to me is "damn and fuck" and he hit me full on. My whole cheek swelled up. The school should have called the cops on him. DSS should have gotten involved. NO ONE did. NO ONE CARED EVENTUALLY i spent the night at my neighbors and he thought I ran away. I ended back with Deena and Steve thank God. They saved my life. I praise God for them, they kept me out of trouble.

I don't know much about life except Jesus is my hero. He was the coolest person to ever walk the earth i wish I had His patience. His love and His discernment. I need His help right now I am feeling sad and lonely. Fluctuating talking about all this stuff has made me sad. I hope this has been enlightening and helpful to those of you who struggle with issues similar. May God bless you.