I dunno I don't know what to do anymore with my kids my life and tonight I seriously considered overdosing on Saphris. It only takes so much. I am tired of my husband fussing at me about money and other bullshit every time I turn around he is bitching about something. I went out tonight and filled his prescription at midnight prior to the gas going through on the check card so that he could have his test strips for his diabetic meter and left my ck card in the bag I am done with it.
I am sick of his shit. Today he went to his regular doctor and he (doctor) prescribed him Remeron which is a mood stabilizer and a sleep medication and Cymbalta. That technically should REALLY only be prescribed by a psychiatrist. They should regulate WHO can prescribe medication like that because it is not known by a FAMILY physician what it can do to your liver function nor anything else nor do they monitor your depression like a shrink. The FUCKER. I was pissed. He is so fucking stupid they both are my husband for letting him and the doctor for doing it. I told him before he went to Belgium to go to the shrink but does he listen ? NO. I guess if he had cancer he would just die. He is so frustrating. He tells me I make him feel dirty because HE WAS RAPED. I did not KNOW.... how can I prevent MY ACTIVITIES if he does NOT TELL me ? how ? huh? someone answer me ? A woman in her sexual climax has needs and especially if they are not being met. I am so sexually frustrated and have men hitting on me and he wants me to roll over and play dead he won't so much as even kiss me because I smoke so that makes me want to smoke MORE OH MY GOD ! I am so fucking pissed right now I could scream.
I am so fucking tired of this the kids the house everything I just want to leave and be alone. I am tired of all the fighting and arguing and everying. I got into it with my neighbor and started telling her that if "she thought she was 'big enough' to come into my yard so I could kick her ass. She started it though by yelling across the street from her front porch at me to "SLOW DOWN" and it was on honey ! I let years of word VOMIT pour from my mouth. I even called her daughter a whore. She used to be a really good girl and I don't know what the hell happened. I love her but I saw her locally and she looked like something from a porno movie and it scared me. I have watched them mind you but I never saw the girl in that light I mean she used to watch my children. I dunno it is hard to see someone you care about end up getting kicked out of school and loose her life over a mistake like being caught with an ounce of watered down alchohol when she used to be a cheerleader and honor student and had the world in the palm of her hand and she is so brilliant !
I can't believe the things I said in front of my children but it was like I was letting all the abuse that woman has given me over the years, all that I have put up with out and I just gave it back and I don't feel good about it but I don't feel terrible about it either. I can't even sleep. I went on a joy ride tonight through downtown the bad part and saw two youths and they just happend to be of colour and the cops were at a stop light and I got OUT of my car and I asked them "Did you see them" and they said "YES" and kept on driving.... what a bunch of paid dorks .... typical. Not because the guys were of colour but because they were cops. USELESS. Typical cops. NOT doing their jobs. FAT and useless. If the doughnut shop around the corner would have been on fire or been held up ..they would have been there. What a bunch of losers I should have gotten their squad car number but I was too tired. It is in the morning now and I can hear that son of a bitch snoring and that is why I couldn't sleep in the first place. I went to the couch. He pissed me off by saying " I am NOT GETTING A CASH ADVANCE" I didn't ask him to now did I ? I did not ! I sure as hell didn't. What a dork. I am tired of him
Wednesday he yelled at me for my son leaving chicken bones in the seat in the back of the car. He SERIOUSLY could have just said that he wanted me to pick them up and told me to get them when I came in. I would have instead he started in on me the minute he brought the bags in from Dollar General.... I was like Quit your job if it is that stressful but don't take your shit out on me I am sick of it. I am I seriously am. I have really thought about I am starting to dislike him as much as I did mark. He was a really big bastard. He really hurt me (current husband) when he told me I made him feel dirty and we haven't had sex in YEARS for this thing and He has held shit against me without telling me and I am sick of it I want to move out and I have NO WHERE to go and I am stuck. I want a fucking divorce I can't take living like this. I am really feeling suicidal and the kids are driving me crazy and he doesn't listen he changes the subject when I try to talk to him and I just get NO support. I hate the kids now they act like brats spoiled brats I mean I love them because they are MY kids but they are never satisfied. Nothing is ever good enough for instance. My daughter threw her littlest pet shoppe people in the room where the dog had diarheaha after a storm in the SE and it was a terrible one with hail and lightening and who knows what it even knocked down trees. my dog got terribly sick from nerves. She got mad when I asked her to pick up her toys and instead of putting the stuff up she threw all her stuff on top of the poop. I sanitized it and gave it to a friends daughter who plays with them now. After all I had $100 left and spent it on the kids and she didn't appreciate it when I did. So that was her punishment. I don't spank because I was abused NOW all she does is pout when I ask her if she would like to replace her littlest pet shoppe people. I bought her some knock offs today and she got all pouty "they weren't the real thing. I told her , not all your other ones were the real thing and you didn't mind what is the problem.
My son today did something nice for me he cleaned of the back deck totally and put the umbrella and a rug out there some flowers I had and stuff. It looks terrific I hope he can move tomorrow. He said he killed 3 spider webs in the grass and there was BLOOD.... white webs. YUCK. That is what happens when you live in the country.
So what am I supposed to do ? I can't go to my shrink next week. I hate my life and I want to leave I am sick of my husband he is hurting me yet I love him. I want NO one else but want to be happy. I am sick of fighting and know if I don't fix me it will just happen again with someone else I think... He is just fucking STUCK UP. Poshy. I dunno. I have done it HIS WAY all these years if I talk too loud he shhh's me if I do that he tells me to do that if I don't do it a certain thing. I should have known that night I wore that purple dress to the french restaraunt and the flip flops and he got all pissed off that he was an asshole and too pissy to be with. I should have known.
Do any of you remember that song from the 80's the one the girls sings it about the guy telling her to be quiet. That is how I feel. I can be sitting on the front porch and he is always telling me "I don't want to talk about that" I don't want to _____" Hush Hush Voices Carry... that is the song. That is it exactly.What the fuck. I have tattoos Why can't he accept me for me he burps and farts and is hairy and doesn't brush his teeth and didn't use deoderant when I met him but he learned. He has to go to the pharmacy and get antibiotics prior to cleanings his teeth are so bad I will NOT french kiss him. I hardly kiss him at all. He right now makes me ill.. I don't know how to raise my kids I have no fucking body to talk to . I asked my sister to call me ... Did she ? NO . I am helping support another family, they are broke as hell and I think it is putting a strain on my marriage. I just need a break.I need a break.from everything. I want to run fucking away. die or something it is getting to that point and I just got out of the fucking hospital.What is happening..I really loved my husband when I married him and it has all gone to hell in a handbasket. He says he loves me but I think he just feels sorry for me . I can't even cry anymore. My dead dog is the only one that understood me. That is sad HE GOT ME. Jesus gets me why can't he talk to me ? huh. Why can't Jesus talk to me ? I need that one on one from the Lord. ugh fuck it good-bye the bastard is getting up gtg
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