I went and had an EMDR session with my tdoc yesterday. It was super hard. SUPER difficult because I talked about all the beatings I got and being called "Cinderella" and and how it was so mean of Leska to just fucking haul off and knock the shit out of me. I don't abuse my children. I loose my temper sometimes but I don't do even do half the things that was done to me. I am a yeller, cold and true. I yell a lot but they don't listen AT ALLLLLLLL. They take advantage of the fact that I am afraid to discipline them and take advantage of my fear to go too far.
They know I am afraid I am going to loose my temper. So they ignore me and my husband. It sucks. My husband read from the Bible today and actually got through to my son. He talked about Jesus' life on this earth and how he did things it was really cool. I was proud of my husband. He rocks. He is a dad like I wish I would have had for myself . My therapist says that we marry people that can fulfill a need in ourselves and heal something that needs to be healed and I think when I married him I saw someone that could be a good father to my children. His gentleness speaks volumes to me. He is very charismatic also. He is a strong man and not because he is macho but because he lets his strength come from within not from his fists. (Like a lot of men I have known in my lifetime...) I don't like fighters. I am an asswhooper if I need to be and I don't like to be a fighter but don't back me into a corner because you will have a fight on your hands.
We got our $50 for the car so we have gotten paid $100 toward the Buick that we sold the lady and her husband but I don't like how I act around them or how they threatened to spank my son- they said they were joking and it pissed me off. And then said "is he going to go all 'columbine on us with a gun ?" I didn't think that was FUNNY at all. My son suffers from depression. I don't think waving a switch at a child is funny especially when he just saw him (Rob) beat the little girl with it. NO WAY
Anyway, I have had a hard couple of days, my son said I was holding a grudge on him for saying I abuse him which I didn't the day after I wrote out some of the abuse from Leska. I believe that shit came straight from hell, trying to depress me. I had a panic attack in CiCi's pizza and started sweating inside and panting and had to get the hell out of there it was so crowded. My son had them sing my daughter happy birthday she turned 9 yesterday, but I couldn't stay inside. I had to get out. I HAD TO. I dunno it was all too much. And of course we HAD to go pick up the money from the lady's house but at least she gave it to us. That I know she didn't really have it. We needed it too. We had to get a credit card for emergencies. I have to get some Geodon and Vyvanse or something I am almost out of my meds I have been taking another add pill it works pretty well in spite of the fact it is old.
I hate today I need to clean, and mop and do all sorts of shit and I am so stressed out the kids are going outside so maybe I will get stuff done.
You know the words to "pretty pretty please if you ever think you are less than perfect.... by pink?" well that was me growing up. Definately I don't do spell checks on this thing either I keep getting red lines on this and it is not because I don't care but I am so stressed I just skip over them. I am a perfectionist by a long stretch and it is hard for me to let things go. I have OCD and have to clean with bleach thanks to Leska and make everything JUST perfect or I go bonkers and if I can't do it perfect I won't do it right I won't do it at all. So a lot of the time my house stays messy. I get so stressed from it. I hate my life sometimes. I have passed my OCD to my son. I hate that the computer software highlights OCD. It is a real diagnosis and word. Doesn't it get updated ? dumbass software... doesn't even know the word dumbass. or is dumb ass two words oh it is two. When I say it , it is spoken as one LMAO..... I have to get to cleaning . I have a lot to do. I hear the kids fighting and my husband yelling "STOP IT" and I want a divorce and to get my disability and to fucking not be a mother anymore and to move the fuck out sometimes. Did you guys know that now I home school BOTH my kids ? My daughter got sexually harassed at school and I determined after 3 years of this shit happening (in a row) that she was NOT safe there that they could go fuck themselves and took her ass out. The other two K-5 she was held down by two boys and her dress was continually looked under and her teacher called her a liar. in Both first grades her dress was looked under (she repeated) and in 2nd a boy rubbed his pelvis on her pubic or VAGINA well her and another girl's... and I don't know WHERE the teacher was because this was IN the CLASSROOM. Plus there is a fucking bully that is constantly pushing and kicking her and I had enough of him.
I am done with district 5 and told the superintendent that they can all go fuck themselves ... I pray to God we move .
I am mad. Having a shitty day and going to take a clonadine the computer doesn't recognize that word either . ugh. I hate going to therapy and talking about shit that is traumatic. It ruins me when it is painful. It just hurts like hell and I am having the worst time. I can't even enjoy anything smoking is sucky too everyone is fighting and crying and not getting along and I am ready to give up.
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