I just found out

I just found out that when I married my husband we together had 85,000 dollars saved up.

He had it when he met me.  He had paid off 15,000 dollars of my debt but I did not know

that he had more in savings . He never said ANYTHING about it.  We would spend money

LIKE WATER, I thought it was because of his paycheck. NOT because of his savings. I

was so stupid. He was rich and I was a fool.  I don't know anything about money and

I feel so fucking guilty now. I don't ever want to spend another dime of his money without

asking. I don't ever want to. I am not ever going on a shopping "spree" with the kids. Or

being tricked into going somewhere with them. It is terrible they do it all the time giving me

ideas, my son does it especially. Like when I had the credit card, he said "lets go to World

Market" and I ended up buying a bunch of stuff for my husband and some wine. I am going

have some in a minute.  I don't know what to do. I am so ashamed of myself all these years of

making these collasal purchases and not caring because I thought "we make a lot of money"

and he "looks at porn" I'll get him back. Ugh what a pig I am !  You see how it is what a

selfish bitch I am ? I thought I was showing him and I wasn't I was only hurting the family.

I can't believe it. I can't I need to stop smoking and do it for real. I need to I wish the patches

at the pharmacy stuck better. They don't !  I am so frustrated when I don't smoke. I get

so upset. I get so fucking irritated and discumbobulated. Yes I said it !  I am going to write a

book about my life called " If They Called Me Cinderella Where The Hell Was My Fairy

Godmother ?"  I think that is a great title.  I was called that as a child.  I hated those fuckers,

they haven't changed either. I know it. Self involved is what they are and I can't even call

them family. They fucking brought me up and I can't count on them for shit. It is ridiculous.

I will have to send my kids to Belgium in the event of my death. Is that not pathetic? I am in

such a bad mood right now I could shit a brick. I am going to go get that glass of wine.

a hearty GRRRR And a good bye FUCK ! I just feel like crawling under a rock right now.